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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Daddy By Korn
I had to stop listening to the song cause it was bringing up feelings I don’t like having. I have to deal with it in my nightmares along with the physical, mental, and emotional abuse at the hands of my stepmother almost every night, which is bad enough. It happened to me as a child but from our babysitter’s 16-year-old brother for 2 years. I felt embarrassed, and ashamed and have always wondered if I did something wrong to deserve it. Did I cause it? Once I asked my babysitter why he was doing that to me, she told my parents and they just said he wasn’t allowed over anymore, and that was it. I was always hiding or throwing away my undergarments because I was afraid of being beaten for making a mess of them. She always yelled at me cause I was always running out of them and “WTH are you doing with them? I’m sick and tired of having to keep buying you new ones” I now have severe CPTSD, bipolar 1 with major depression and on the autism spectrum, and have been in therapy for 20 years and I just can’t forget or accept for some reason. I have so much anger inside I don’t know what to do. I attempted suicide by cutting my wrist at 16, but I didn’t go deep enough. Since I tried I got grounded for it because she had to take me to the hospital and it cost them money and it was embarrassing for her. I try to talk about it as much as I can to try to help myself feel more comfortable and maybe a stepping stone to accepting that it happened and it wasn’t my fault, but it’s really hard when you have other mental health problems working against you in the healing process.
I am so heartbroken to hear of all the physical, mental, and emotional abuse you had to suffer through growing up. It is so not right for anyone to be treated with such blatant harm. To feel the embarrassment and shame of someone else’s wrong choices should never have been something you had to carry, but here you are with the 20 years of therapy to show that they caused this harm. To be punished for your attempt adds salt to the wound and makes the sting more painful. You were not made to feel safe even to express your pain in any way.
I hear you saying you are really trying to heal from this and work through it. Talking about it can definitely maybe take some of the emotional burden off of the experiences and maybe help you have some exposure therapy to the events. I understand that having so many mental health problems working against you at once makes things more complicated too.
It sounds like you in a place where you know there is help and you are seeking help, but it is still a journey to get to full healing to move on from the past. While all this seems like the healing hasn’t happened, there has been so much working under the surface in those 20years. Seeds of growth take a while to spread their roots before they can sprout-- just because you haven’t seen the full relief from your trauma, doesn’t mean that continuing to talk about it isn’t doing things in your heart that will bring you freedom. Because the truth is, you are more loved than you can ever imagine. You are here for a purpose. You are not defined by anything done to you. You did not deserve anything that was done to you or how you’re being treated now by your parents. The seed of healing that you’re working through will sprout and you will continue to grow in your depth of understanding. They say with grief- or loss- or deep trauma-- the pain doesn’t get smaller over time, but we grow around the pain. My prayer for you is that you can grow and deepen your roots in such a way so that you don’t have to hold on to anger about them, but use them to empower you as part of your story. You are a beautiful person and I pray that healing process comes to fruition in your life. <3
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and I’m so glad you reached out here! I’m sorry the adults in your life didn’t protect you from harm and you had to go through that. You didn’t do anything wrong and you definitely didn’t deserve to be treated that way. No one deserves that. It makes sense that you feel angry and frustrated. I commend you for talking about it, being in therapy and for not giving up. That tells me you are a very strong and resilient person. I have experienced shame in my life due to a parent’s words and it took me a long time to get over it. But the good news is, once we bring it into the light we loosen its grip on us. I pray that you keep accessing that strength and resilience and keep speaking your truth. I know how difficult it is but it is possible to break free from anger and shame. Shame cannot survive when we continue to shine the light on it. You have support here. You are not alone and I truly believe in you!
Thank you for reaching out, it takes so much courage to do that, and I recognize that. I’m so sorry that you had to go through these degrading experiences. Going through these seasons makes you wonder if you caused it, or if you did anything to deserve it. You have a sense of guiltiness even over something you had no control over. You feel embarrassed, ashamed, and sometimes, you are left questioning your worth. Though, through this chapter in our lives, we can learn how to adapt, grow, and comeback stronger from our experience. Korn is a great band, something that helps me with my anger is listening to metal, it truly is therapeutic, and helps me get my anger out when needed. We are all here for you and want the absolute best for you. Everyone here at Heart Support cares for you and loves you deeply, we are always listening. Never hesitate to reach out, and speak up about your emotions. Keep shining your light, and keep growing
