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I hate it here

I’m so confused and angry with myself. I haven’t really cried in weeks, maybe months. Always felt like it but nothing ever happened. And now? A simple conversation with my father getting a little loud send me over the edge and I’m bawling my eyes out. We didn’t even fight or anything. I just… I don’t know. We had a normal conversation, I must’ve done something wrong once again, because he raised his voice a little at me, left and now I’m sitting here, crying.

My thoughts are overwhelming again. I know my parents, and I also know that there is a high chance they are talking about me right now. And not in a nice way. I hate it here. I don’t wanna be here.

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Hello dear friend,

My heart hurts to hear that you are in this situation; it is scary and painful and unpredictable. It reminds me so much of my relationship with my parents at the moment, and I just want you to know that you are not alone. You are loved. You are loved. Please know that. :purple_heart:

I don’t know about you, but there have been times where life has just been a burden of pressure and stress but I’ve held it together (or maybe I was just dissociating), but the moment someone says one thing to me, even a stranger on the street, I would drop everything and just start crying because it was the one thing that pushed me over the edge. Please know that you don’t have to understand what happened with your dad just now; I can empathize with wanting to figure it out right here and now, but it’s okay to just feel your emotions, and let it out, and have a ‘good’ cry. I am sorry that it may be the norm for your parents to talk about you behind your back- it’s not fair, and I don’t believe it’s right (my strong thoughts about this come from how what you’ve said reflects on my parents as well). I know that the pandemic is ongoing right now, but are there any safe places with other family or friends you can stay with for a while? If you have to live with your parents at the moment, that is completely understandable, and if you ever need small ‘survival’ tips, please let me know, as I think I have some experience in that area.

We love you. We are here to support you. You deserve to feel safe, to be safe, and be seen for you. It’s okay to feel, and it’s okay to let it out. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your heart with the HS community; it isn’t easy and it just shows your courage and resilience.

Hold fast,
Alex

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Thanks for your sweet reply.
But sadly, I don’t really have anywhere to go. I haven’t seen my aunt and uncle in years(plus I don’t really like them), my grandparents passed from my fathers side(my only relatives I actually got along with) passed away already. And we’re not in a good relationship with my mothers parents.
So, no other family.

I only have one friend around here, I could go to, but her older brother gives me anxiety from just being in a room with him for a few seconds. So, this is also a no.

Although I would appreciate some kind of “tips”?

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Hey friend,

I am sorry to hear that those you felt closest to have passed. I hear you and there is absolutely no pressure to leave home either. Absolutely, if you do not feel 100% safe around your friend’s brother, then it’s not an option to pursue.

I think one of the major ones (that may not change the situation with parentals, but can help how you deal with it inside) would be to recognize that it’s not your fault. Sometimes my parents will blame me for things because I’m right there. It’s not fair, and it’s not right, and it definitely means they have their own issues, but please remember to remind yourself that they’re taking it out on you, just because you’re there. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you deserve to be treated with respect.

I also believe that it kind of helps to tell yourself it’s okay to take up space in your house. You are allowed to take up space, speak up for yourself (if you’re comfortable with that), allowed to feel, allowed to voice your opinions. Of course, those tips don’t necessarily change the immediate treatment of you by the parents, but at least, they may recognize that you’re silently standing up for yourself.

I’ve stopped trying to analyze what their thinking, whether it may be about me or not. I’ve also had to learn and not read into some of the things they say; they’re human, they say things, and sometimes I think they’re so wrapped up in their own lives and worlds that they may not see that something said impacts their kid.

Staying productive with hobbies and things that make me happy have also helped, and my parents are respectful of things I’m passionate about, and even encourage it (e.g. photography, working out). In turn, these hobbies. get me out of the house more, and away from home when it’s mentally too strenuous. I throw on a mask and go out to take pictures with friends or alone- that’s been nice.

Oh, one last thing: if it is at all possible/available/affordable, I encourage you to seek the help of a professional/therapist. I’ve honestly gotten most of these ideas from my therapist and about how to cope at home. If it is something you’re comfortable with, I very much encourage this option!

I apologize this is so long, but these are just small things I’ve learned along the way. Please let me know your thoughts, and maybe we can pool some ideas together as well. You are not alone. Not now, not ever. :purple_heart:

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