I hate my body and the pain it has put me through. I cannot do things I use to love doing, take care of people I need to care for, or be the person I’ve envisioned I’d be since I was young. My depression is so bad now. I cannot even find the will or strength to take a shower (sorry if that’s gross). My house is a mess. I’m angry and snapping at people who dont deserve it, but I can’t stop it. This pain I’m in is cruel and exhausting. I take pain pills that doesn’t help for long, only to help make me more irritated. I’m so tired. I’m tired of going to doctors. I’m tired. I use to feel strong, like I could take on the world. Now the world is just tossing me around. I hate this.
Hey Meg. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I too am struggling with physical pain of a back injury, however due to other circumstances cannot take pain pills. It’s okay to come down when things get too much. It’s not ok to let that push you to rock bottom and go back into old habits though. The people that you’re around will understand that you’re in pain and that you’re not snapping on purpose. You can get through this. You can fight the pain… You will get back to feeling strong again… It’s just now you need that little bit of help. There’s nothing wrong with that. This community will always be here to help you and I hope that you can find something to help the pain soon. It’s horrible to be able to do the things you used to be good at.
First I want to tell you this, you are so strong for reaching out and posting on the support wall, because we are here to love you and stand beside you, and help you get through whatever you’re going through in life. You are not alone, we aren’t going to judge you, and we will be here to help you and give you insight, and be supportive!
I can’t say that I’ve been in your shoes, but this topic hits my heart close to home! Because my mom struggled with this. She lost her job, because she couldn’t go to work. She didn’t have the motivation to take care of my sisters and I, or the motivation to even take care of herself. And that’s a scary spot to be in! I encourage you to start doing little things. I don’t know about you personally, but when I shower it makes me feel better. Or when I put on makeup, even if I’m just going to be home all day, it’s the little things that make me feel better.
As far as not cleaning your house, that’s hard. And i’ve struggled with that a lot recently. I would get up go to the kitchen and make food, then come back to my room and eat, and set my dishes on my night stand. Next time I was hungry or thirsty I would do the same, and the dishes would just pile. But one day I decided I wasn’t going to do it anymore. So i would spend thirty minutes cleaning then would spend an hour watching tv, or playing a game, or whatever you would normally do. Then spend a half an hour cleaning then repeat. Once you start doing those little things you will feel motivated and you will feel better.
Hold fast my friend and remember that you’re not alone in this, and we are here to be supportive and help you in anyway we can! Love you and stay strong.
What Monkey said about being strong for getting on here and posting is spot on. The fact that you got on here and wrote this post when you have been struggling to take a shower shows how strong your will is to get help. Know that we are here for you and you can vent and seek support as much as you need.
Dealing with weight can be extremely difficult, depressing, and sometimes neverending. My mother and sister have dealt with weight issues their whole lives and it can really take a toll on them and their happiness. I too have had times where I struggled with my weight. You definitely feel powerless and down on yourself. Just know that you CAN do hard things. I believe in you. You will get back to where you want to be, just don’t give up. We are here for you and want you to succeed. Let us know if there is anything we can do for you.
I struggled once with loving my body. I really got into lifting. I loved it. I still love it. But I got so big to a point I was uncomfortable with how big I was. I was fit but It really bothered me that tieing my shoes felt like running. I realized I was not eating right and that caused so much mass growth in me. I decided needed to make changes and it wasn’t overnight big change! It was very small steps at a time kind of change.
I am so sorry you are going through pain and that has brought so much frustration. Start with the easy small things that you know you can do without there being pain. Let yourself heal.
We are here for you Megclong!
Its not so much a weight issue, I mean that contributes to it, but it’s more so all the medical issues I’ve been having. My knees and legs. Fatigue. Pain causing fatigue and irritability. but thanks guys
You sound like me… I have had too much health problems, these have driven me to feel anxiety, depression and exhaustion every single day. I know how hard it is, but we need to find that strength who helps us to live better, you should start taking a shower, some times when I’m sick, depressed or tired i take a shower and it helps me.
Start doing that small things that could help you, like set in order your house, if you have weight issues take a little walk every morning and I think it could help you with your knees and legs, eat well, etc…
Hope you can find that strength every day to fight your battles! and trust in us to fight with you, we love you!
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, and I want to encourage you that you’re doing the right thing by reaching out. Isolation is dangerous so please keep reaching out! I would challenge you to dig deep within yourself - what exactly is the root of your depression? Once you find the bud, nip it. If you haven’t seen a counselor to talk to about your situation, I would highly recommend it. I’ve seen a few counselors for years now, and I walk away each time feeling refreshed. You’re strong, remember that!
Im glad you posted. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. I definitely understand this. Prior to my military injuries, I loved to hike, and climb, and do all sorts of physically active things. After the injuries, I cant. I cant even stand for extended periods, and I need to have chairs with proper back support or I cant sit in them for long periods of time.
For a while I went to a dark place where I felt like I would never enjoy life again. It took me a whole bunch of time to process that just because THAT part of my life (The hiking, climbing, etc…) was over, my entire life wasnt over.
I had to actively seek out new activities, and endeavors, and the entire time I went to some dark places. I used to feel like I was holding my family and friends back, like they werent hiking, because I couldnt, and it felt horrible. No matter how much they told me different, I still felt like I was restricting them.
That being said, eventually I learned to accept that I didnt choose for my body to be all busted up, didnt choose not to be able to do those things anymore, and stopped thinking of it as “What I cant do” and tried to focus on “What I CAN do” Instead of “I miss doing those things” I focused on “Well, I enjoy these other things.”
Remember, Christopher Reeves didnt BECOME the worlds Superman until after his injury. Before he was injured, and then fought hard for people in need in SPITE of his injury, he was just an actor playing a role. It was only after his injury that he truly became Super Man in real life.
I know thats not the end all be all answer, but I hope it helps, and you can find your mojo again.
I’m rooting for you.
Meg, I’m so sorry you have to go through this just know you are not alone . My pms are always open . Just know you’re worth is and please hold fast . You are loved friend
I thought of this video of Bethany Hamilton when I read your story. I hope this brings you some encouragement. Hold Fast.
I watched the support wall video just now. Thank you guys. So much. The reason I missed stream is I was at the doctor again today (I did take a shower the night before. Thanks to monkey for telling me the common sense truth that it might make me feel better. It did) . He doesn’t know why it keeps breaking, but we are planning for me to have surgery again somewhere around July 2nd. They plan to take a bone from my hip and put it in the broken area. Then securing it with more screws (possibly a plate too). Then putting me in a cast for a minimum of 6 weeks. My doctor hopes this works. I’m still hoping for the robot leg tho. After watching this video tho, I felt so encouraged and loved. I got home, exhausted. Helped Fix my daughter, my parents some food (nothing major, I literally opened a lunlchable XD). Then my daughter wanted to play the Xbox. I went to turn it on and the TV was being stupid, so I said “what’s your problem? Because I’m about to fix it” then realized that was literally them most encouraging thing I have said about myself in a long time, and because the stupid tv wasn’t working! I literally started tearing up over something I said to myself. I blame you wonderful, encouraging, lovely people. This is a long road, one I’ve been on for a long time and will be on for a lot longer, but you guys make me realize I’m not alone.
I can never tell you how much I relate to you and the pain you are feeling. I mean it I GET IT. So has of recently I really get it. I am going to openly admit to you that I also many times have said I hate how I cant function. I said it today to a coworker as I was being asked to do a specific task and I did yesterday to my manger. BOTH of them replied with the statement this isn not on you. It is not like we went to a store and picked out to have the issues we have. My family doesnt get it and it is hard believe me but you can only do one thing and that is to know that you are not defined what you can or cant do you are define by NOTHING in my eyes all I see is Meg a wonderful human deserving of love and support. I am sorry if stuff isnt going well but you can make it past this moment and you just got to take it one step at a time. I am always here if you want to talk message me. I am here for you.
It can be so hard with chronic illness, especially debilitating pain to resolve who we used to be with who we are now.
I get this struggle; I live this struggle though probably not to the degree you do.
It is hard you run out of spoons so easily. You mentally want to do more than you are physically capable of.
I am not going to tell you your story because you know it as I know mine what I am going to do is give you some ways that have truly helped me through the worst of these days.
EVERY TEENY TINY STEP ADDS UP TO BIGGER STEPS AND PROGRESS
It could be as simple as brushing your teeth or getting out of bed, heck some days even waking up is an achievement.
And at first you are going to think this lady is nuts because it can take a while to see the small shifts, for those baby steps to show bigger progress. I call it chipping away at things.
The hardest part is when you fall backwards or have times where you just cannot even take baby steps is to pick up and keep going to do the little tiny things that help make life a bit easier/better overall
Sometimes taking those tiny steps can have a huge far reaching impact.
As for hating on yourself I have been down that road it is exhausting carrying so much hatred inside you, it is such a heavy heavy burden
Elvie has a Self-love challenge in her Discord and something like that is a great way to examine your self beliefs and maybe work on changing them. Changing how you speak about yourself, how you think about yourself is a huge step it is hard not going to lie but I promise as someone who has done the work it is well worth the effort. Even now I still have to remind myself that I have value and worth maybe it cannot be measured in traditional ways such as a job or money but I know people who need help will always find a person willing to listen, to be there, to be their biggest cheerleader when they are chasing their dreams. You may not be able to live the life you imagined but you can help those you love and find ways through the darkness
I know how hard it is. It is not a short easy road would that I could give you an easy solution but this one comes down to doing the work on yourself, maybe talking to a therapist and most importantly finding value in who you are now.
I may not have the cleanest house, in fact that is my chip chip chipping away thing I have spent years working towards and guess what some days there is actually a light at the end of the tunnel others I slide backwards but the important thing is that I do not give up I keep trying.
Gah I am not trying to come off as lecturing or holier than thou here I really hope you can see where I am coming from with this because you are amazing the fact you are here seeking help is a sign you are ready and wanting to do better.
Some things that helped me get more comfy in my own skin, was finding pretty clothes & underwear, spending a little time just doing everyday stuff naked and most of all learning to accept that true beauty radiates from within us the outside is just the wrapper.
I really truly hope you find your way through the darkness, that you remember every tiny step adds up and that you truly are stronger than you know and an amazing human
Biggest hugs please keep us updated on how you are doing.