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I hate myself again.... and I'm losing my grip

I feel like things have been going downhill very quickly for me. The first 5 months of the year were really rough. Things started to turn around in June. I had felt like I was drowning. I was overwhelmed with my work. My bipolar depression was out of control, as was my anxiety. My boyfriend and I were going through a bit of a rough time. It was all a lot to handle.

In June I started to seek out help. One of my co-workers entered the picture. When he found out what I was struggling with, he stuck by my side. He became my best friend and the strongest support system I’ve had. Not only does he understand the stresses of our job and the toll it can take, he understands depression. He is in to the same things as me as well, so we could always have an in depth conversation about trivial things.

It didn’t take long and the two of us were dating… but he has a wife and I have a boyfriend. I hate myself for cheating, but I kept telling myself that I was following my heart. He was helping me get better. He was providing me with the love and support that my boyfriend never did. I guess I was doing the same thing for him. We had the most in depth conversation I’ve ever had with someone. We established that the two of us had an immediate connection we had never felt with our S/O. Our love was/is so deep and complex. Neither of us have loved someone like we love each other. He brought me a sense of peace, calmness, and happiness. We decided that it was make or break for us at this point and we started planning our future together.

I started looking for different places to live so I had someplace to go when I broke it off with my boyfriend. I prepared myself to tell my bf that we were done. I even started sleeping in my own bedroom, and it’s like my current bf and I are on a break. I was oddly comfortable enough with that. Out of the blue, a few days after we discussed our future together, my married bf messaged me and said that he needed to lay low because his wife was sus. It destroyed me, but I lied and told him that I would be okay while he takes the time he needs to get his life right. I love him so much, that I want him to be happy no matter how much damage it does to my heart.

Everything I worked so hard on with myself is starting to unravel. I can’t sleep anymore. I don’t eat. I can’t stop crying. I’m back to having PTSD nightmares. There is a heaviness on my chest and heart that won’t go away. It’s suffocating. I hate looking in the mirror. I HATE myself. For the first time in a long time, I’m starting to have suicidal thoughts again, and I feel like I’m just not worth it. I need help. I need to get a grip before I lose all of the progress I made on myself. My bf keeps asking me why I’m not okay and I can’t tell him it’s because my secret bf broke up with me. That’s killing me too. I feel like it’s a secret I need to take to my grave in order to protect him and myself, and I feel like I’m closer to the grave than I’d like to be.

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i know in real life exspirence how it feels to lie that ur “fine” or “ok” and its ok not to be but it will get better it wont happen today or tomorrow but it will get better

Hey, @JaseyRae.

To be honest, I don’t have the words you need right now. I’ve never been in this situation. The PTSD and nightmares and falling back to a terrible mental state… Yeah. I know how that feels. But the bf thing I have no experience with. If you had a close friend come to you and tell you they were in this situation, what would you say to him/her? How do you think the person should handle what’s going on?

The only thing I can tell you is to be honest with the people in your life. Truth is important. The people meant to be with you will stay, and the people who aren’t will move on. It will hurt if people leave, but at least then you’ll be able to start the healing process. Right now you have yourself in a state of limbo, and it’s hard to heal when you’re stuck in this state. No matter what you decide to do, I think it might be a little while until you feel better. Try to remind yourself that hard endings bring about new beginnings- and while new beginnings can feel scary, they are usually for the better. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so terrible, but I want to repeat what Clara said. Things will get better, just hang in there.

I hope you figure things out and that things start looking up for you soon.

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