I hate myself, I always did ever since I know, and I want to stop, but I don't know how. - 1546

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From llamaface94: I’m a very uninteresting person. I’m 27 years old and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’ve had dreams as a child, but I gave up on them, because I realized I’m not smart enough to study in the field I enjoyed.

I’m slightly overweight and whenever I’d like to train myself, I get discouraged, especially if I see others, much stronger, fitter people training.

I’ve always learned things much slower than others, and I think I’m an ugly idiot. I kind of learned living with these feelings, and not paying too much attention to them, although sometimes they come up.

I was never really good in anything and I never found something that I would do passionately… Noone could help me to get out of this…

I have only 2 people in my life who are close. I have a secret, and I was scared to lose my friends, so I didn’t tell them, I ghosted them instead, because I was scared. If these 2 people would disappear from my life… I would end mine without thinking…

Sorry if it’s too sad… but that’s how I feel. I just go with the flow in my life, but sometimes it really drags me down for a few days.

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Yeah, it’s a lot like sweeping these feelings under the rug over the years, and every now and then you realize - holy shit there’s a monster under there. It’s hard to feel like it’s impossible to deal with it because it’s just…idk, at this point, feels so much like “it is what it is”. It’s hard to hold hope you’ll lose weight, you’ve tried. You’ve always learned slower, doesn’t matter what you do. You had dreams, but don’t feel smart enough to pursue it. You find yourself a good way into your life at 27 and not really liking what you see. You have two people who love you, but you feel like you can’t let them in anymore because your secret would crush them, but you also can’t bear the thought of losing them by pushing them away. It feels like they’re the one good thing in your life you’re holding onto, the last thread of tangible hope, and if that snaps, you will too.

It feels exhausting to hold up hope against what feels like the tide of inevitability. It’s hard to feel like there’s anything good coming. You’re looking ahead and there’s this kind of resigned sigh like - fuck man. I knew this was coming but didn’t want it to finally be here.

Self-hate, man…it’s such a heavy thing. It’s so debilitating. It causes us to turn back on the things that matter, causes us to give up on risk, to stop caring for ourselves. There’s so many layers to that. It’s hard to wrap your arms around, it’s easier to sweep it up with the rest of shit in life and just try to get through the day.

But then there are days like today where the meta of your life hits you. (Hits me too.) And it’s like fuuuuuuck.

I don’t think I have an answer, but I can definitely say - I’m there with you man. I have a lot of “good pieces” in my life, and I still struggle with self-hate and just trying to get through the day and ending up years down the road and feeling like I’ve gone nowhere. Wishing I could just bury my head in the sand. But then I do, and shit just stacks.

You’re not alone in that. Life is fucking hard, man. I’m so thankful you chose to share because honestly when I keep these thoughts locked up inside of me, I just keep my wheels spinning. It’s only when we bring these things into the light that we can get real traction.

I’m curious what you want to do at this juncture. Are you wanting to share about your secret with your friends? Are you wanting to keep going as is? Where’s your head at today when you look forward?

Thanks again for sharing.

-nate

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Thank you for your answer! I’m sorry also if my english is not so good. It’s my first foreign language, and I still tend to make many mistakes or I’m not able to express my feelings with the words you described, but…yes. You basically told me how I usually feel. I have days when things are seemingly brighter, but then when I have the time to think about myself… these thoughts always come up.

I guess it could help a bit if I would be able to find my passion in life, but I never could. I don’t feel like I’m good in anything… I want someone to help me, telling me that “Hey you are really good at this, here, I give you a job which earns well” … it would be a nice start so I could stop living in a room.

To answer your questions : I live in a totally different country. I only moved here because of the person I love, and I left my “friends” there… I mean, we were not really talking, there was only 1 person I kept in touch… my childhood friend. Just really scared that if I tell him my secret, he won’t talk to me. I don’t like to think about my future, because it scares me. "Going with the flow’ is a comfortable option for a short while, but since I’m lost, and I don’t know what I’d like to do, the thought about my future scares me. I feel like I’m alone and noone can help me. I want to feel safe, and I want to be happy. I even deleted myself from the social media, because I don’t like to see the success of my aquintances… They are so much better than me. I often want to be like them, but I can’t… and them I’m sad…

People say: “You can always learn something new…” but that costs money too… There are 2 options of my future I like to see:

  1. I find my passion, I get to live in a comfortable home with my partner and we live a happy life together.
  2. I fall asleep, and I never get up… and I’m happy because I know my partner would surely find happiness by the side of a better person… who can support him and grant him safety.
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Yes, finding your passion seems like something that could make a world’s worth of difference. Feeling energized again in life, like you have purpose in getting out of bed - that would be a huge advantage. I think that is a smart place to start.

What have you explored so far?
What do you do currently?
If you could do anything, what would you like to do?
What keeps you from that at the moment?

Thanks for writing back. Excited to hear more.

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Thank you. I’ll try to answer the questions, although it might be a bit hard, since I’m not really into trying out things. There is always the fear that I’ll fail, or that others are laughing at me if I’m struggling or making mistakes. That’s why I usually just didn’t try out new things in like the last 10 years of my life.

1. What have you explored so far?
Not much. When I had to choose uni a few years back I choose something where I could use my medium knowledge of Biology. I’ve studied Conservation Engineering. It’s basically a study about species, and ways of protecting them. It’s only a Bachelor and I only choose to learn it, because I didn’t really trust people, I like animals, and being outside… but unfortunately it’s a very specific field and I since I’m also introvert… I didn’t find anything I could do… I’d love to work somewhere, where I can take part in the protection of animals, plants, helping and finding new ways to do so… I’m also interested slightly in renewable energy source, and working somewhere, where I can learn more about them, and work in connection with these things… I like learning new things, but I’d love to learn something with what I can put a roof above my head for long-term too.

2. What do you do currently?
Since I had to move to a new country I had to learn the language. I managed to do in a medium level, now I’m looking for a new job. I also applied by a company, who might help me finding contacts in my field, giving me advice, etc… They are my only hope right now… But since it takes some time, I’m basically doing “grunt work” in a warehouse… I need to work you see, and I don’t feel like I’m able to do something else atm.

3.If you could do anything, what would you like to do?
As a child, I wanted to be a vet… but since I gave up learning Chemistry, and that I’m not a smart person, I eventually gave up on the whole thing… I really don’t know what I would like to do… I want to help… let it be people or animals. I’d love to have a skill that makes people or animals feel better… I guess I have a helpful personality.

4. What keeps you from that at the moment?
I guess since I’m not sure what I want… I can’t really answer that question, however the things I gave up on were the ones where I always had people who were better than me. Yes, I’ve heard that I should focus on myself whenever I do something and not on others’ success, but I could NEVER do that. I’d love to, but I can’t. Therefore I rarely had hobbies as a kid. I pay too much attention what others do/say/think about me… and I feel like a terrible person, because I can’t be happy to my close friends’ successful moments… I’m jealous of them, and it makes me feel really bad about myself.

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I also want to thank you for listening… It feels good that I can share my feelings and that someone listens, without any drama!

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Really encouraged by this message, @llamaface94 - seems like you have a lot of clarity, which is helpful. Just reflecting back to you some of the notes from your message:

Another good note is that you’re already working with a company who might help you find contacts in your field. That’s fantastic! It means you’re not actually “STUCK” - you’re taking steps ALREADY, which is fantastic. Additionally, you already have a job, which means you’re not in a panic. Even though it’s just “grunt work” it means that you’re responsible and capable. Another bit of great news.

Some other notes of roadblocks:

Just reflecting on the roadblocks - it seems like, YES, you do have some roadblocks - but you have a clearer idea of what you want to do than you might think. You have some personal areas of growth to break through (as we all do), but you are already pushing through those areas to make headway.

Honestly, I’m very encouraged by your position and your story and your self-awareness - both of what you love and makes you passionate and what holds you back.

It seems like you’re feeling discouraged because you haven’t yet had your breakthrough, and you are worried you won’t make it to the breakthrough. And that makes a lot of sense. I get those kinds of fears too. But still, those fears aren’t keeping you from making progress, and progress will eventually lead to a breakthrough. I have experienced it in my own life.

Maybe a piece of what you’re experiencing right now is what my friend calls the “middle of the journey”. You’re not “Starting off” with all of the hope and optimism of the first steps. And you’re not closing in on the “finish line” with all of the final wind of energy and press to cross over the threshold. You’re dead in the middle, where the journey feels the hardest. You’re well away from the safety of the start line, but you’re not yet at a place where you feel like you’re at a milemarker that reinstills confidence or energizing excitement. You’re in the “valley” between two mountains. Honestly - of course you’re feeling discouraged! That’s part of the journey. Every hero faces a slump. But you are still fighting forward. And I’m proud of you for that. You don’t let these things keep you from taking steps, and THAT is what makes a hero.

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