I hate myself, I want out of this hole I'm in

I’m scared to even post this but I would like some people to talk to. I feel lost and alone. I am married but am in a toxic relationship. I can’t afford to move out because I have a minimal job and three cats I would need to take with me. I feel so stuck here. I know I made the choice to get here but I feel like I’ve changed and my life is holding me back. I am trying to find another job but I have depression and anxiety and its hard for me to find a job I can handle. I’m such a weak and worthless mess.
I also feel guilty for even wanting to leave my husband because it feels like he needs me, I take care of a lot of household and just life things and he always tells me how lost he’d be without me and that he would be alone if it weren’t for me. I have no friends and have no one to talk to. I just feel like I can 't move forward and that maybe it’s just too late for me to change my life, I know 32 isn’t that old but I feel like I have had opportunities that I’ve missed and maybe I just don’t get another chance, maybe this is it, and I just have to be miserable for the rest of my life. Why not, my life has never been anything but miserable, maybe I just deserve this, maybe I’m not allowed to be happy.
I am such a loser and am so disgusted with myself for all the stupid decisions I’ve made and how all those stupid decisions have gotten me here. I am not the person I want to be and I don’t think I can ever be good enough to be the person I want to be. I just hurt all the time and I’m tired of hurting.

Hi friend,
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, you are so brave for posting on here.
Thank you for sharing.

I know it feels like you are alone right now but I can promis you, you are not. There is someone in the exact same situation as you and you have everyone here’s support. Relationships are hard, they fluctuate depending on each persons emotions. I don’t know what happened between you and you spouse but if it’s hurting you then you should speak to someone around you whether that be family or even confront your significant other about how you feel and potentially move past this rough patch.

Depression and anxiety are so so difficult to face and I know how rough it can be. You are so incredibly strong! Perhaps consider finding a job where you work from home? If possible obviously, I know that may not be an option. My way of dealing with anxiety was to put myself in those situations I found uncomfortable and scary and proving to myself that I can do this thing that I’m scared of, I can work through this. You CAN get through this.

You are not weak, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
You are not worthless, you are worth EVERYTHING!
You are not a mess, you’re hurt and upset.
This is all normal and it sucks but it’s okay to have these feelings, it’s okay to not be okay.

I know you feel like you’ve missed opportunities but you still have so much time and so many more opportunities to come. Don’t give up yet you still have your whole life in front of you.

No one deserves to be sad, ever. You deserve everything, but unfortunately you got dealt a bad hand. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are brave.

Yes right now things seem bad and like they’ll never get better but the night has to be dark for the stars to shine.

You are good enough, you are loved.

Hold fast friend,
Luna :heart:

Thank you for being so kind. I wish that I could talk to someone, (in real life) the reason I posted on here is I have no one. I don’t have any family or friends. I live with my husband and his family. I feel isolated and trapped all at once.
I have tried talking to my husband as far as the relationship goes. We do nothing but fight everything I try to have any kind of real conversation. He doesn’t want change, its like the end of the world for him. I thrive on change. I feel like he has taken over our life and its no longer mine. I cant do anything without him asking me why i would want to do that. He wants to be a child reliant on his family forever and I just want to be independent. I have no life of my own.
I just want something of my own. I want it to be ok for me to explore new things without being made to feel guilty.
I am trying to hold onto hope but I feel like i just keep getting lost in the darkness of my own head.

I’m so sorry to hear that,
Are you religious in anyway? Perhaps reaching out to a church or something may help? Or perhaps anything with a neighbouring community? Whether it be sport realated or something like that?

I’m not really sure of anything I can suggest. Perhaps reaching out to old friends from your childhood and asking if they want to catch up?

I understand your husband may refuse or shut down the conversation but I highly suggest sitting down and just talking through everything that’s going on and how you feel. Yes this may upset him and you but it may end up being better in the long run.
Sorry if that came across harsh :grimacing:
Hold fast,
Luna :heart:

Maybe if you can’t find someone in real life try the HeartSupport discord if you haven’t already and join the live streams on twitch on Monday’s, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays.
We’re always here, if you ever want to speak to me personally feel free to message me anytime :heart:
Twitch link: https://twitch.tv/heartsupport
Discord link: https://discord.gg/ZpuEVvM

My relationship is beyond saving at this point its why its so hard to be where I am. I have been trying for years but its just not meant to be.
I am not really religious. I consider myself spiritual. I have tried to find communities, but part of why I am where I am is because I have trouble making friends and I seem to make people uncomfortable. I have had friends tell me that I’m too weird and/or difficult to be friends with and they stop being my friend. I always feel like an outcast wherever I am. I am following the twitch and joined the discord. But I feel like its just another established community that I dont belong in. Im just too different and awkward. It really scares me to be social but I am trying. I feel like I always say the wrong thing and just end up hating myself more.
I dont think I know how to message you directly, im an idiot, but thank you.
And now I feel guilty for being so depressing.

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You need to move out asap. Wait until you obtain a new job unless the toxicity becomes dangerous. You should never be sorry about being depressed. Being depressed is a state even though it is often times connected to being sad. No one can control depression. It is like how the sun rises & the moon follows. It is something that is not easy to control. I do not understand by being weird since it is a really vague word. I understood everything else you’ve said.
Learn to accept yourself. If you reject yourself then how can you expect others to accept you? “Learn to date yourself” was advice I learned awhile back. This helped to leviate a lot of the bad feelings I’ve had towards myself. It also made me learn new things about myself that was hidden because of all the baggage I carried with me.
You are worth it. You just need to learn your worth. Nobody can truly tell you your worth. Only you can determine it. This is why you’re so stressed out. This worth you are trying to get from others and they can’t validate it. I suggest taking time to focus on yourself. Determine your worth and then confide in others (in real life). That is basically what I personally did.

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MarshmallowM… The main mission in life is to discover pure happiness… You will not find it in toxic situations… Your duty to fully understand what was just written to you! -Kara … I was SmadshedNintendo but forgot my password… HOLD FAST!!!

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You do belong with us, in some way we are all outcasts. I’m 15, I still have like some kinda emo fringe thing going on and way too many piercings to fit in with any other 15 yr old. It’s nog about learning to fit in what’s the point in that? Personally I could never imagine myself any different from me now. Be true to you. Follow your heart. No body else can do you!

No one is too different and I strongly believe it’s what makes us different that brings this community together. I totally get the fear of being social I myself also deal with social anxiety but I try to put myself in those situations I find uncomfortable and scary so that I can grow from them.

I’m so sorry your relationship hasn’t worked out, I can’t imagine how hard that must be. Try to move out as soon as you can, save up some money, try anything. The best thing you can do is to get away from the thing causing you pain.

I know you said you aren’t religious but maybe think about it. Perhaps that could be something that might benefit you?

Please please please don’t apologise for being depressed or depressing we all have our struggles and I am honestly so thankful that you are opening up to me right now. It really means a lot to me.

If you want to, please don’t feel pressured to; you can message me by clicking on my name where I commented and it should come up with my profile. There is a button that says message on it, click it then you can message me. You don’t have to by the way but im happy to help if you want to.

You are beautiful, strong and amazing, don’t forget that.

Hold fast,
Luna :heart: