I hate myself so much

I hate myself so much. I LOVE the personality I have when I’m with my boyfriend, it’s so cute and I’m so happy. But then when I get home, my brain makes me try to go back to my old personality that I hate and it keeps pissing me off. It’s messing with my feelings as well. I’m getting so frustrated and upset. I hate everything right now. Everyone is thanking me for being here for him in such a tough time and I’m so happy to be here for him too as his girlfriend. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. So much. He’s opened up to me so much. I’m stressing out because I don’t want to let this go. I hate the old me. I hate it. I love who I am with him. It’s making me so angry. I want to be there for him till the very end. Why is this happening?? I want to cry so bad. I know I make no sense. HE NEEDS ME!! I NEED HIM! Why is this happening??? I’m fighting this so hard because I want to stay with him and marry him. I want a future with him so bad. I hate that I’m feeling this way. I’m about to have a mental breakdown.

First of all, know that your boyfriend loves you and sees worth within you. You are what he sees. I am so glad that you have this relationship with him. Please know that you are worth so much and that you are probably looking at yourself too closely. Its like when you look at a painting and you are only focussing on the red; you are only going to see the red. When you take a step back however you can see a beautiful painting that is exactly how the artist intended it to be. Your boyfriend probably sees the painting. You are probably only seeing the red. Please try and take a step back and think about the good things you have going for yourself too. I know its hard, but you can do it. I have faith in you.

It’s messing with my feelings for him and it’s killing me. I don’t want to go back to the old me. Like it’s really killing me. And it sucks because he won’t be home for another maybe 5-7 months so I can only see him like twice a week for like a hour and a half and can only talk to him on the phone for like 15 minutes like 2-3 times a week. I keep saying God please let me be here for him until the end and I keep feeling like he forcing me away and it’s KILLING ME. I can’t leave, I don’t want to.

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That must be really hard. You don’t have to go back to the old you if you don’t want to. If you put forth the effort I promise you can change for who you want to be. Just don’t beat yourself up. You got this.

Well make an outline of what is different when you’re with your love and when you’re not with him. What do you think about when you’re with him and what you think about when you’re alone.
It will shed a huge spotlight on the issues you’re having.
A method that you could use is when you’re alone picture him right there with you.