Back to heartsupport

I hate myself, why is my life doing this to me I'm only 13

I don’t know why I’m alive, I spend each day of my life regretting not committing suicide, I just sit there and cry in my room each night. I don’t remember a single day that i did not repeat the word “worthless” to myself over and over. I hide it from my friends, but i only tell my close friends, yet i never get any support from anybody. I have more friends now than ever but I just keep feeling more lonely by the minute. I try to escape my life because apparently I’m stupid and ugly. I just can’t find a way to escape. Every opportunity I ever had to escape and feel joy was torn apart. I don’t know what to do and I am always feeling so trapped. My parents took me to therapy but decided to to take me there anymore and i have no idea why. I just feel like a waste because of what everybody around me says. My mother say I’m lazy, dad says I’m gay, my 3 sisters say I’m a stupid fat worthless piece of crap. Classmates say I’m a fat pig with no future. They think it does not hurt me but it really does. They said this to me so much that now i believe them. My life has been nothing but pain since 2012. I’ve been bullied for half of my life and nobody cares. My mother even said she would kill herself because I failed my test. If all i do is hurt people then why the fuck am i alive. I don’t have any reason to live anymore. I’m nothing but a waste of oxygen food and water. I consume too much food and that is why I’m fat. I cant help but eat all the time. Now I’m the class weirdo, the family failure, and nobody has ever found me useful in their lives. I don’t remember the last time anybody said “I love you” to me. I’ve been trying to turn myself into a soulless zombie so i don’t feel any emotion but nothing seems to work. I don’t remember what feeling safe is like so I just try my best to hide from all reality from as long as possible. I really want to curl up into a ball and disappear forever but every time i try my brain reminds me I’m too much of a fat coward to.Sorry for wasting your time for you to read this, I just don’t want anybody to feel the same way I do.

2 Likes

@NaJtS,

Hey friend,

Thank you for being here. I promise you that you don’t waste the time of anyone. You’ve been brave enough to share all of this. Your voice matters. :heart:

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been told so many awful things… None of them are true. What your family and classmates said to you are not loving words. It’s abuse. And it hurts. I wish you never had to hear that kind of thing. You don’t deserve any of it.

Friend, you are not a waste of oxygen, food or water. And you don’t hurt others. From what you shared, you are hurt by those who are supposed to show some love and let you see that you are cared for.

What your mother said, regardless of what motivated her to say that, just seems to be a way to make you feel guilty. A parent should never say that to their children. I’ve been there with my own mom, I’ve been through similar situations and I’m sorry you had to hear that from your mom. Please don’t forget that those two things are not related: her life and her actions are not conditioned by any test or achievement in your life. Your mom seems to have some serious issues, struggles of her own. And despite what she said, you are not responsible of her own difficulties. This is not your responsability. She is certainly hurting already for saying that kind of thing. But it’s not because of you.

You’re a person, you are unique, you have worth no matter what others told you, no matter what you achieve or not. You are not worthless, friend. But you are surrounded by people who make you feel like you’re nothing. Which isn’t fair nor true.

I know it’s hard to keep some distance, especially if you’ve been told that kind of thing everyday. It’s hard not to believe in what they say to you. But what they say is only hateful and certainly the result of their own struggles. You are not what they say. You are so much more. Hang on to this, as much as possible.

I don’t know you but I am glad you’re existing. I am glad you are here. You have a family right here in this community.

You matter. Your life matters. If you ever need to talk, here or privately, don’t hesitate to do so. I am proud of you for being here despite all of this, to keep fighting. Also if one day you don’t feel safe with yourself, please don’t hesitate to call a crisis line:

You are loved. This truth goes beyond everything. :heart:

2 Likes

Hello @Micro,
I would like to start off by saying thank you for all of that. I really appreciate it. Your words have honestly given me hope. This might just be the first time anybody showed any sign that they care about me for years. I will take your advice to heart. I have felt so much pain lately but the first sentence of your message made me feel so much better. thank you so much.

3 Likes

@NaJtS

Anytime, friend. You are not alone, okay? :heart:

I understand that it’s hard to take some breaths when you are hurting and when you’re being told so many harmful words. It won’t be like this forever. And I hope you’ll find the support you need to go through this, whether it’s here in this community, with your friends and all the people who care about you and respect you.

Just so you know, this community has a Discord server. If you ever want to join us, you can use that link: https://discord.gg/Ye7y8D - My nickname there is Microsmos#1923. Feel free to send me a message if you ever need to talk, vent or just rest when things are getting difficult. I may not be able to change all of this, but I’m willing to listen and encourage you as much as I can. :heart:

1 Like

I tried to respond to this earlier but for whatever reason my mobile phone did not like it, so I had to wait till I got on the PC.

I’m sorry that you have had to face so much hurt and isolation. That so many people that you’d think would be more supportive, have left you feeling anything but. That sucks. As Micro said, you are none of these awful things that you have been told. People say things, and it never feels good, but it doesn’t make any of those things true. Nor does it hold any influence over your actual worth and value.

Know that despite the things that have been said here, you matter. How you feel matters. Your experiences matter. I know all too well that need to just zombify yourself. I lived that way for so long. I felt like I had to turn myself off in order to push through all of the pain, hurt and hardship that was coming at me. I felt like I was being pulled emotionally in so many directions. It was hard to know how to bare it all.

I’ve struggled with binge eating when stressed and depressed. There have been moments in my life where all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. That doesn’t make you a weirdo. Nor does it make you unlovable. You are a human being who has faced a lot of hardship. It’s very common for us to latch onto these things to help us cope and stay afloat. I’ve been there.

I’m sorry that you have been left feeling unsafe in your feelings and around your family and friends. I encourage you to use the information that @Micro has linked there. As well as join our Heart Support discord. There are a lot of good people to connect to. You don’t have to be alone in this. Were all here to support one another.

We’re all family here.

hugs

2 Likes

@NaJtS - please hang in there friend. It sounds like you are going through a horribly rough time. I am so sorry for all this pain you are in.

Please know you are valuable. If you were in therapy and your parents stopped taking you without even telling you why - no wonder you feel like you’ve hit the floor. That’s a terrible thing to do to a person.

Please know you are not all those horrible things your family is saying about you. I too grew up in a family with a TON of verbal abuse. I still struggle with the mean things that were said - but I have come to know that those things aren’t “me”. Please take it from me - a stranger yes but someone who feels your pain through your words and hopes the best for you - that you are not the horrible things people say about you.

Many of us here are struggling and in various stages of putting ourselves together. Please know you are not in this alone.

Please hang in there. You are among friends.

2 Likes

It sounds like you have alot of toxic people in your life. I know it’s hard since your family is a part of it but maybe you can choose people to be around that support and care for you. I really think counseling would help improve your self-esteem since you would be letting out your emotions and be given coping skills.
Maybe your school counselor can give some input. But in the mean time don’t let the words of those who bully you impact you. It is not true what they are saying so therefore it does not matter. If someone said to you that you were a “car” would it matter? It wouldn’t. Because it’s not true. Don’t let the haters bring you down.

2 Likes