So I recently started accepting myself as Lesbian, as opposed to asexual. I recently when through weight loss surgery, and I feel a bit more confident now, and I’ve also been able to accept myself as Lesbian.
Prior to this acceptance, I had been trying to keep others out of my life (mainly men) so that I would avoid getting hurt by them. I was bullied, physically and mentally abused by my peers in my teen years, due to my weight, and the fact that I was an easy target for them.
I’ve made steady progress on forgiving those who had done this to me in the past, and I’m trying to move on and find someone that will love me.
I recently decided to sign up for Bumble, since it allowed me to choose who I wanted to chat to as long as I felt comfortable. Only an hour into the app being installed on my phone, and I was matched with a lovely woman. We chatted for a couple of days, and we really seemed to have the same things in common. I decided yesterday to just put myself out there and ask her out on a date.
She said sure, and we now have plans for a coffee date on Sunday.
The only issue is, is that I’VE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE WITH A WOMAN BEFORE. And the other thing that’s kind of daunting for me, is that she’s Polyamory and I don’t know if I’m into that sort of thing. I’ve never even had…well you know…with one person, let alone multiple beings.
Yes I’ve been on a “conventional” date with a man, which was how I assumed I was asexual since I didn’t feel anything towards him when I kissed him for the first time, despite the fact that I felt emotionally connected to him.
I haven’t been out on a date in at least 8 YEARS! I’m freaking the fuck out. I feel like she’ll get one look at me and reject me. I keep saying to myself, “why even try, she’s going to see how much of a mess you really are, and ghost you”. The amount of “what if’s” I’m dealing with in my head right now, it’s intense.
What if she doesn’t like me?
What if she doesn’t like the way I look, or dress?
What if she realizes that I don’t have a steady income and stops talking to me because of financial stability, or rather lack there of on my end?
What if I go off on a rant about my love for reptiles too long, and I make her bored to be around me?
Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll be fine, and it’s just a date. But I’ve gone through so much shit in terms of my past abuse and my general distrust of people doesn’t help the anxiety I’m having over this.
I somehow feel like I’m not worthy of someone’s love. And the whole Poly thing kind of makes me more worried that if she gets bored of me, then she’ll just go move on to the “other girlfriend”.
So here I am, 4am on a Friday night, scared shitless, and not able to sleep. I wanted to try and come here to let my emotions out instead of bottling them, since I tend to do that often and it’s not healthy for me one bit.
Congrats on the date that is awesome. Dates can be anxiety producing but can fun as well. If you have concerns it is okay to set the pace. Don’t do anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. If something makes you uncomfortable speak up straight away. The what ifs are normal to think about on a date but the good thing about the first date is that the other person is also nervous and more than likely thinking the same things that you are. Talk to her about the concerns that you have and if you do not see yourself going out with her again that is okay. Best of luck to you on your date let us know how it goes.
Thank you so much for the reply. I was having a full on meltdown last night.
How are you holding up? How did the date go?
Well it was awkward as hell. The the conversation was great and we had many things in common. But the one thing that made me a bit concerned was when she had mentioned that she had a Husband.
Now I have no issues with someone who is Poly, but I wasn’t too into the idea of having a third person in the whole situation. But I will say that it verified to myself that I am in-fact Lesbian and I’m no longer questioning my sexuality as much as I did. But the one thing that kind of dashed my desire for her in a sexual way. Thank you for checking up on me I greatly respect it and I feel good knowing that someone cared enough to check on me.
If you have a concern and are not comfortable with having a third person involved that is okay and if being with her confirmed your sexuality that is totally okay there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Keep hanging in there and know that we are here for anything and everything.