I never knew that I had a need to be needed until my mom passed away. Suddenly I felt like I’ll never be needed again. I didn’t realize that this actually started years ago. Whenever I had friends that would choose to spend time with someone else then I would start to distance myself. Eventually just giving up completely on the friendship. That’s the main reason I have very few friends. I can’t ever seem to keep relationships because I don’t know how to not feel useless if someone doesn’t need me to be around.
This cake to a head today when I’m pretty sure I lost the closest and dearest friend I’ve ever had. A friend that I can’t even describe how much they meant to me. I tried everything I could imagine to compromise and still in the end, it fell apart. They were not willing to compromise and neither was I. I did everything in my power to compromise. But yet again, it fell apart right in front of me.
I hesitate to enter new relationships because of how I am. How my kindness and compassion can quickly turn into overbearing. Sometimes when I sense it I bail. I choose to not let this person get hurt by me. Will I ever change, or find a way to compromise? That I don’t know. What I do know is I’ve hurt a lot of people and in turn hurt myself and I can’t keep doing that.