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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to The Grudge by Tool
I have a very old grudge that I’m not ready to let go of as much as I want to. Every now and then it bubbles out and hurts before I get it back under control and get on with life. I think I hold it so tight because there is no catharsis in real life. In art it builds towards this relief. Life doesn’t always give you the grand final act where everything comes to a neat emotional close. Sometimes someone hurts you and all there is are apologies and to move on…
Also for the longest time it gave me a reason NOT to do the hard work and improve myself. That didn’t help either
Yes, sometimes holding to our grudges is a way to not actively seek closure, to keep some sense of control over something we didn’t have any control over in th efirst place. It feels like a way, counterproductive but powerful, to bring an illusion of freedom at the moment. It makes us feel empowered somehow. Then the perspective of letting go of our grudges is naturally scary… it forces us to ask ourselves what life is going to look like beyond it. Who are we going to be too.
When something or someone hurt you so deeply that it has turned your world upside down, you are somehow forced to reinvent yourself… and it’s hard to welcome change with open arms, especially when it’s mingled with grief. On one side, you have to feel it all, process what you’ve lost and the pain you feel… but on the other side you can’t let it be a destination. It’s hard to find the right balance, the right timing, the right definition of what could feel like closure to you personally, especially when you didn’t want to even have to ask yourself those questions in the first place, when you keep on feeling like it shouldn’t be like this.
Somehow, I relate to what you describe through the lens of having experienced abuse from my parents. It has shaped so much in my life and who I am that I just have a hard time of letting go of the fact that I was their victim and long for apologies that will never come. Even with apologies, I’m not sure I’d be able to let go of the grudge, for the appearant nothingness there seems to be beyond it as awfully scary. But on the other side I experience how life-consuming it can be to hold to the same grudges, and how much it forces us to stay stuck in the same place over and over. It doesn’t provide room for growth, nor for actual healing. But it’s also a necessary step in the process - to recognize the pain, the injustice, the wrongdoings against you. Such a harduous journey. A really challenging path to walk on.
My heart goes out to you as you navigate this duality and the complexity of it.