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Belongs to: Therapist and Vocalist react to One By Metallica
i have always felt this was a metaphor for my childhood being the 5th of 6th children i felt i was an afterthought in my family and retreated into my thoughts and feelings and kept everyone at arms length . now at my age i have suffered some tremendous heartbreak as the 3 closest people in my life all recently passed . i am now having those same feelings as my youth . somehow i’ve always been able to persevere and put on a facade of happiness.
I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time in your life right now. I hope that you can find some relief to it with time. Feel free to share more if you ever want/need.
It’s definitely special when you are one of the last children who were born in your family. If there is an important difference of age between your siblings and you it must add even more doubt and fear in your mind regarding this idea of being an afterthought. I’ve been myself the last of the family to be born and there’s a six years difference between my sister and I. For a long time, a part of me has felt like I had to be unexpected or unwanted somehow. It’s difficult when you are the little one trying to find their way in the midst of people who are much older than you. It is for sure pretty isolating and having this kind of feeling at a young age can really stick to you as you grow up.
I imagine that, somehow, retreating into yourown thoughts and feelings was really a way to protect yourself and to feel safe. When you make sure that you keep people away from you, you are guaranteeing that you’re not going to be hurt unexpectedly. It’s definitely something that feels like maintaining some kind of control by not having to worry about what other people could do to you. It really makes sense that this has been a way for you to cope and survive as you grew up, and keeps somehow being a survival mechanism as an adult. The perspective of not being wanted, of not belonging, of potentially being abandoned at some point is absolutely heartbreaking and scary.
It makes sense that losing this three people has also been such a major heartbreak and loss for you. It is the kind of grief that can really reactivate the wounds that we’ve experienced when we were younger, especially when it feels like we didn’t heal from this pain or found a sense of closure yet. Somehow, it is the type of event that forces you to reconsider the ways you’ve been coping before because as much as it was adapted to things you couldn’t control in the past, you also realize that it may not be something that would serve you in the person moment.
You don’t deserve to feel like you should put on a facade of happiness or that you have to push through regardless of how you feel at a given time. It’s okay to not be okay, even if saying this probably sounds cheesy somehow. You are allowed to be sad and to say it. You’re allowed to feel heartbroken without feeling like you have to hide it, and for that I am very grateful that you’ve chosen to open up here.
My friend, you belong in this world and you matter so very much. You really do. Whether or not people stay in your life, you are not defined by them and your worth remains unshaken by these circumstances. I see you, and I’m sending plenty of virtual hugs your way today.
