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Belongs to: Therapist Comes Undone by Korn
I have been struggling so much lately with an empty feeling in my stomach. I have strong feelings for a girl that calls me her best friend and is dating another guy. She talks to me about her ex-boyfriend (that’s still in her life) and she tells me about how happy she is with this new guy, but I am going to end up being replaced by him. Me and this girl talk on the phone for hours EVERYDAY. She told me before her and this other dude started dating that she couldn’t lose me and that’s why it’s best if we just stay best friends. But don’t you want your significant other to be your best friend? It’s too late for me now. I’m just stuck in my head with all these feelings, alone, while she is kissing and hugging a different guy. It seriously hurts me. She says all these things like no matter what il always be her best friend and il never lose her, but I’m going to end up losing her because of the relationship she is in and me feeling sick to my stomach from all the things she tells me about him. I don’t know what to do. Seems like either way I lose. Thank you for reading.
Thank you for taking the time to share and be vulnerable with your situation and your feelings.
I know in varying degrees nearly everyone has had some kind of feelings for someone and it wasn’t fully reciprocated and it does very much hurt.
I want you to know that you aren’t alone here and that your feelings are valid.
It can be very delicate and tricky navigating relationships/friendships and it can feel like one small wrong move can cause irreparable fractures.
But does this mean we have to sit in uncomfortableness and not protect our own hearts?
My personal approach is that I have to protect my heart no matter how hard and painful it gets, because I know that I may end up having feelings of spite towards the other person. I would rather protect my heart than end up exploding and causing the friendship to end in bad terms OR to implode and hold all this hurt in and not allowing healing in.
At the end of the day, what do you want for yourself? Do you want to open a conversation to say “hey, I am struggling with my feelings and at the moment can’t be too involved with hearing about your relationship?”
Or do you want to open a conversation that looks like “hey, I think my feelings are too heavy to allow myself to be in this friendship right now”
I’m sure there are various other alternative to explore too, but it is okay to allow yourself to think about what you need through this.
You’re in love with her and stuck in this unrequited love situation. It’s okay to feel sad, jealous, and confused. Let her know how her constant talk about her boyfriends and her desire to stay “just friends” is affecting you. You can say something like “It really hurts my feelings to hear about your dating life when I have deeper feelings for you.” If talking doesn’t help and these conversations are just intensifying your pain, it might be healthy to take some space from this friendship for a while. This will give you time to heal and process your emotions. Invest your time and energy into things that make you happy and people who make you feel good. Pursue hobbies, hang out with supportive friends, or try something new. Stepping back from this friendship could open doors to meeting someone who reciprocates your feelings.
Here’s the thing: true friendship shouldn’t cause this much pain. A good friend would respect your feelings and avoid constantly talking about their romantic life in a way that hurts you.
It might feel scary to take a step back, but it could be the healthiest option for you in the long run. This will allow you to heal and open yourself up to the possibility of finding a love that is mutual.
Remember, you deserve to be happy and in a relationship where your feelings are reciprocated.
Hi Friend, Thank you so very much for your post. I am so very sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, it is very sad when a friendship seemingly evolves one way only to then turn round and slap you in the face with the “lets be friends forever” line whilst expecting you to switch off your feelings long enough to be an agony aunt for their new relationship. Yes ive been there too. The sad thing about it is that you keep doing it because the fear of being without that said friend is too upsetting not to.
I would like to let you know that making a choice about what is healthy for you is the best thing you can do, if you are tired of this then its time to walk away and yes it will be tough at the start but eventually you will feel a huge weight lift from your shoulders that you have been carrying. Of course you do not have to do that, this is your life and choice but no one deserves to be in a friendship that makes them feel the way you explained. It is not fair and not right.
I think you deserve better, I know you deserve better. We are here for you no matter what. Much Love Lisa. x
Hey friend - Gosh, this is such a brutal situation to face. I’m really sorry that you’ve been in such a heartbreaking position. It’s so hard to have feelings for someone and ware a reality where those feelings are not reciprocated the same way. This person seems to genuinely care about you, but that’s just not enough, and under such circumstances it makes sense to feel so conflicted in your heart.
Somehow, it feels like something supposed to be positive and bring you joy - this connection, this relationship - becomes a source of continuous pain that you’d be trapped with. It’s reactivated over and over whenever you see her with him or hear about him. It moves you back to the type of connection you don’t have together, and that is so painful to deal with.
Of course I don’t know her or you personally, and would never dare to impose any advice on you, especially as this is your own story. But I just want to send some love your way and a friendly reminder that you deserve to embrace and nurture connections in your life that would feel good to you, that would be made of respect and genuine love - relationships where you would be heard and understood in any shape and form. Sometimes, relationships force us to be pushed into tiny corners where we don’t want to be, and reflect on who we are, what we want, and what can be done to prevent more hurt from happening. Could it be from a different/more open communication on the way you feel, or setting boundaries or a type of distance on the other side - there is no doubt that it feels like losing either way. I hope with all my heart that you will find peace through this, hopefully with the help of this person, in a way that will be meaningful to the both of you. You have all our support and love here.
It must be hard to speak about other guys constantly and even more frustrating to have these feelings that you feel you can’t communicate at this point. I understand that you feel an emptiness in your stomach and I’ve been there wishing for something outside of myself to change and fill that void.
What I found best for that empty feeling is to listen to it and set boundaries with your friend so you don’t have to suffer in silence listening to stories that rob you of your peace. You can and will find that love you feel fulfilled and held by. Take good care of yourself and listen to your gut feeling indicating what makes you uncomfortable. I like to think that when you come down from that place of feeling empty, you can see your peripheral vision more clearly and hey maybe there’s a girl you didn’t notice who was experiencing this exact thing about you? What I mean to say is that this doesn’t have to be an entirely sad experience though I understand in the moment it’s monumental.
Thank you for sharing what you have been going through with us. I’m sorry to hear about the current dynamic in your friendship right now. I have been through similar situations so I can resonate and understand how you might be feeling.
There was a time that I had liked a close friend, that did not see me as romantic partner. Situations like this can be so painful to endure, and so confusing because we don’t want to lose the person (our friend) but at the same time we know that the way things are is not good for us and our mental & emotional well being. For myself I found that I had to choose my well being over my friendship. I had to accept the reality of the friendship and how much it was taking a toll on me and realize that it was a not a situation that I should be putting myself through. It is a constant and daily heartache. Once I distanced myself and created boundaries I found that though in the beginning it was very hard, and felt like a massive loss, and that I made a mistake, though I missed the person, in the long run, my well being improved, my confidence improved, my self-love improved, and I was eventually able to move on and find someone to give my romantic love to that was able to reciprocate those feelings.
All of that said, reflecting on the situation, think about what it is that you want? What are things/options for you to be able to heal and improve your wellbeing? What conversations are you comfortable having with your friend? Etc. Whenever we are in confusing and difficult relational situations, focusing in on ourself can help to provide a nice guide on what to do and how to approach the situation.
Though it is not intentional, this friendship is causing you a lot of pain. And you 1) deserve to have friendships where you feel comfortable, at peace, ease, and at home; 2) deserve to have an experience of reciprocated love.
Wow you guys! Thank you so much for all this love. This has been such a positive experience for me today. I can’t thank you all enough. I will be working on making this situation better for myself. I appreciate each and every one of you.
