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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Alice in Chains Nutshell
I have coded on the table and died already from addiction. 3 years clean now, but the depression and suicide still reside fully, exactly the same amount. I do not want to be here, I am in the way. I cause problems for people, and I offer no solutions to my own issues that no one around me has any idea about. If they read this they wouldn’t even believe I wrote it. I am very good at pretending to keep people happy. I am only here for the single reason of that. I dont want to hurt people anymore than I have, and I think fully dying from suicide would just make it worse. SO I endure. But I do not wish to be here any longer than necessary. You can recover from drugs, Its very hard to recover from yourself clean - or sober. I hope everyone else stays alive. You are important. You probably dont wonder if you are mentally handicapped at all times in life. It blows my mind that people can own a house, have kids, etc and be okay. I can keep my car payments and rent. Everything else, nope. I went to more college than the people I work for, but I dropped out because I lost the only reason I ever cared. Her…
Just her. Im not blaming her for what happened, I know it’s my fault. But still losing her from my own mistakes and faults in addiction, I take full blame and that adds to my less than full desire to be alive at all. I hurt her, not physically, but mentally with how I acted in my drunk and stupidness, I know she probably has problems trusting people now. And it’s my fault. I never intended to hurt anyone, and I think for doing so, whether meaning to or not, is good enough reason to exit stage left. I dont deserve to have children and enjoy those moments. I would give anything and everything to reverse time and take it back and fix it. But I can’t. And I am so so so regretful for what I did with drinking and lying.