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I have constant pain and i don’t even know why. Im scared all the time. I feel the weight on my chest. Im surrounded by friends but im all alone. I have anger in me.
Hi there,
As I can understand, from being scared all the time, it makes me think that you have a lot of anxiety that you carry around and it burdens you down. Having anxiety can make you feel so hurt and empty at the same time, or like there is something that it’s tightening you from your chest to the point of literal hurting, and maybe also waking up in the morning with this constant fear. It’s so hard to live in this awful condition where we can’t choose how to feel even if we really want to change it. And if there it adds the conditions of depression, it makes it double harder to deal with it, it’s a constant fight and it can get so confusing and tiring.
It might happen that others don’t understand and it brings us even more down, like we don’t fit in and there is something wrong with us, even if we are surrounded by friends we still get this feeling, this loneliness that takes over and we are deafen to what they say, but maybe we don’t resonate with those people anymore and that’s why we can feel lonely around them. When we feel disconnected or misunderstood by others we get frustrated and it can gather a lot of anger inside us, because we know and feel that something just doesn’t fit, we need to be somewhere else. There are periods of time when we don’t know why we are like that, why we are feeling so much pain, we need to find the root of it, what is causing to feel all that. It is not easy due to the fact that there can be a lot of situations and we don’t have control over them , but it is possible to find it and to try to resolve it, to heal it.
I used to be in constant fear, waking up instantly with this crippling fear in my stomach, alleviating during the day but sometimes appearing when I was not expecting it, even harder tightening my chest to the point of feeling like I don’t have enough air. All because I was in an environment that I was not fitting it. I was in first and second year of high school, but studying something that was draining my soul and I was always stressed and worried, not having free time for my hobbies, not wanting to continue anymore to study all those that I was struggling so much, but also to scared to actually change the high school where I could have chosen other classes to focus on. To scared that it will get worse, to scared that nothing will change and it’s just me that I am not functioning right. Not having friends in the beginning, and then when I made two I was afraid to open up to them, because I felt like they won’t understand, and what would be the point anyway, because I didn’t even know how to explain it myself. Feeling so much anger at times and calming myself with heavy music because they would scream what I wanted to scream. I can say that music has helped me a lot, but also it took me a lot of time to understand some things and to try to change some situations. It was not easy,a lot of tears and internal pain, but I found some peace while discovering what I want to do and deciding that I will go into another direction, also starting therapy helped me a lot, because I felt understood and it made me get to some conclusions on why I was feeling like that.
I know it’s not easy also to connect with people but maybe we need some time to understand ourselves better and to reconnect in a way with them, we can’t pour out from and empty cup, but at the same time it’s important to not isolate ourselves, because it can help from time to time to have someone to just have a normal conversation, to take away from our thoughts.
I really hope that you will manage to find the peace and the cure for this constant pain you carry, it’s not easy but you can get better, just don’t give up. Hold fast!