What a strange thing to write a journal.
Throwing it out there. It’s going to be out there just for the sake of being out there really. I don’t expect anyone to read this and frankly no one should. But I have to let it out there. Out there somewhere, just somewhere.
You see I was just told: I can’t work with you I don’t feel comfortable.
By a therapist who specialty is “PTSD” and “Anxiety” when she barely asked any questions and turned me down, the very first 5 minutes when I tell her: I have panic attacks at night. And has the audacity to say: I don’t have emotional maturity.
I rated her 10 stars and wrote a polite comment, if that isn’t maturity then I don’t know what it. There is one thing thought, she is right, I have a sense of: entitlement… like a kid, an immaturity I guess. I can blame the absent religious father or the alcoholic mother or the backstabbing sleeping with my boyfriend best friend of 10 years/loved like a sister. Or I can move on… Move on to a therapist who calls me emotionally immature. And then write her a 10 star review. Wow.
But I learned something, I really did so in a way it was helpful and it boils down to this
- Keep your thoughts to yourself, you can’t trust people you actually know with your feelings or anything you feel. Let it out in someplace out there. There’s less drama.
- Learn to mind your own business. Even and mostly, with the people you love. No matter how much in the dump they are as soon as you try to help them. You try to take that gallon of wine away from your mom and you got your father upset because : we don’t disrespect parents even when their choking on their vomit on the floor.
- Always show empathy, people love empathy. Don’t ask for it in return. Too much trouble.
- Don’t trust people. Love them, enjoy being with them and hold their hand. Never feel like you can count on them when you need a hand to hold.
5.Therapist? No. Three experiences : One just ditched me, one showed up drunk and the other who actually had quality was way too expensive…
- Don’t complain too much. Complain just enough for someone to feel like their super special or else they’ll get anxious and then stop before you are in the self pity zone.
- Worked as a nurse. Worked as a botanist. Work currently in tourism. Doesn’t matter where you look on this planet the world is Ugly. Capital U. Don’t expect goodness in people. If there is; its nice to be surprised by it but don’t rely on the idea of it coming around the second time.
- Age really is a number.
- Asking for help makes you feel worthless… Anyone who helps actually help 50% the other 50% of their help make you feel worse.
- Giving love. Giving smiles and kindness and expecting it to return to you; is a sign of emotional immaturity. Community and the world is long gone pal, no one owes you anything. And you not giving anything; is a sign of selfishness.
- Be angry on your own time, no one cares if your upset that the ocean is filled with dirt. Or that your upset that someone else got assaulted. You wanna hold a hand for the ones who need? Do it, but don’t expect them to help you with it, and be very afraid of being dragged down about it.
Yes. I expected, I guess. I expected so much from people because I thought if ever I gave enough of my soul, someone might give me a : hey hope you have a good day. Or an “I love you” from my own father… or you know maybe this year he can actually remember my birthdate and not call me two weeks later. That would be a perk.
You know like wishing you good luck or best of health. You know something nice. Yeah, silly girl. She was right absolutely right, emotionally immature. Because technically she has a point; I am the one letting them harm me. I am letting this happen to me. Letting it affect me… Funny thing is when I asked: so I should let my mother pick herself up from the floor after she passed out? Because I won’t let it happen to me to have to deal with her problems… She goes: Its your values… SO does that mean I let her on the floor passed out because its not good for my own happiness and mean I have awful values? Or pick her up because its the right thing to do and then be called: emotionally immature because I’m selfish…???
Well I don’t know. Like I don’t know many things. I really don’t. And the world doesn’t know either. It really doesn’t. Really not.
If you are reading this and for some insane, impressive and impossible reason you managed to get this far… well I have one thing to tell you.
I hope you, wherever you are, will take care of yourself with love and all the tenderness you deserve. I hope you fling out the rest of the world. I hope you do things you love. I hope you learn to let no one hurt you. But most of all, learn to rely on yourself. Because at the end of the day like the old saying says: you really do have only yourself. And only yourself can take care of yourself.
I guess that’s all I have.