I have given up. Rightfully so

[Verona2900]

What a strange thing to write a journal.
Throwing it out there. It’s going to be out there just for the sake of being out there really. I don’t expect anyone to read this and frankly no one should. But I have to let it out there. Out there somewhere, just somewhere.

You see I was just told: I can’t work with you I don’t feel comfortable.
By a therapist who specialty is “PTSD” and “Anxiety” when she barely asked any questions and turned me down, the very first 5 minutes when I tell her: I have panic attacks at night. And has the audacity to say: I don’t have emotional maturity.
I rated her 10 stars and wrote a polite comment, if that isn’t maturity then I don’t know what it. There is one thing thought, she is right, I have a sense of: entitlement… like a kid, an immaturity I guess. I can blame the absent religious father or the alcoholic mother or the backstabbing sleeping with my boyfriend best friend of 10 years/loved like a sister. Or I can move on… Move on to a therapist who calls me emotionally immature. And then write her a 10 star review. Wow.
But I learned something, I really did so in a way it was helpful and it boils down to this

1. Keep your thoughts to yourself, you can’t trust people you actually know with your feelings or anything you feel. Let it out in someplace out there. There’s less drama.
2. Learn to mind your own business. Even and mostly, with the people you love. No matter how much in the dump they are as soon as you try to help them. You try to take that gallon of wine away from your mom and you got your father upset because : we don’t disrespect parents even when their choking on their vomit on the floor.
3. Always show empathy, people love empathy. Don’t ask for it in return. Too much trouble.
4. Don’t trust people. Love them, enjoy being with them and hold their hand. Never feel like you can count on them when you need a hand to hold.
   5.Therapist? No. Three experiences : One just ditched me, one showed up drunk and the other who actually had quality was way too expensive…
5. Don’t complain too much. Complain just enough for someone to feel like their super special or else they’ll get anxious and then stop before you are in the self pity zone.
6. Worked as a nurse. Worked as a botanist. Work currently in tourism. Doesn’t matter where you look on this planet the world is Ugly. Capital U. Don’t expect goodness in people. If there is; its nice to be surprised by it but don’t rely on the idea of it coming around the second time.
7. Age really is a number.
8. Asking for help makes you feel worthless… Anyone who helps actually help 50% the other 50% of their help make you feel worse.
9. Giving love. Giving smiles and kindness and expecting it to return to you; is a sign of emotional immaturity. Community and the world is long gone pal, no one owes you anything. And you not giving anything; is a sign of selfishness.
10. Be angry on your own time, no one cares if your upset that the ocean is filled with dirt. Or that your upset that someone else got assaulted. You wanna hold a hand for the ones who need? Do it, but don’t expect them to help you with it, and be very afraid of being dragged down about it.

Yes. I expected, I guess. I expected so much from people because I thought if ever I gave enough of my soul, someone might give me a : hey hope you have a good day. Or an “I love you” from my own father… or you know maybe this year he can actually remember my birthdate and not call me two weeks later. That would be a perk.
You know like wishing you good luck or best of health. You know something nice. Yeah, silly girl. She was right absolutely right, emotionally immature. Because technically she has a point; I am the one letting them harm me. I am letting this happen to me. Letting it affect me… Funny thing is when I asked: so I should let my mother pick herself up from the floor after she passed out? Because I won’t let it happen to me to have to deal with her problems… She goes: Its your values… SO does that mean I let her on the floor passed out because its not good for my own happiness and mean I have awful values? Or pick her up because its the right thing to do and then be called: emotionally immature because I’m selfish…???
Well I don’t know. Like I don’t know many things. I really don’t. And the world doesn’t know either. It really doesn’t. Really not.

If you are reading this and for some insane, impressive and impossible reason you managed to get this far… well I have one thing to tell you.

I hope you, wherever you are, will take care of yourself with love and all the tenderness you deserve. I hope you fling out the rest of the world. I hope you do things you love. I hope you learn to let no one hurt you. But most of all, learn to rely on yourself. Because at the end of the day like the old saying says: you really do have only yourself. And only yourself can take care of yourself.

I guess that’s all I have.

[bbrandon3]

Hey @Verona2900, welcome to Heart Support! I hope that this can be a place where you feel welcomed and loved and able to throw it out there as you say. I hope that this will be a community that you continue to be a part of. Really glad that you are here. Thank you so much for sharing because that takes so much strength and vulnerability.

Just wanted to let you know that I read your post and I am so sorry to hear about all of the things that you have went through and are going through. It sounds like life has dealt you some bad hands. I am sorry friend. You do not deserve that. I know for me, I had a really good experience with therapy, so I know that there are good people out there which makes me sad to hear that there are therapists out there that you have experienced. This community has also been a form of therapy for me. Although it doesn’t replace a professional therapist, I have learned a lot just with sharing with different people here who have had similar experiences. I hope that you can also have a positive experience here. Feel free to reach out to me directly if you ever would like to talk more.

I also expect a lot from people and I think that I expect them to treat me how I treat them, so it can be really hurtful when that’s not the case.

Thank you for spreading love towards the end of your post. I wish the same things for you and want the best for you. I know I am some stranger on the internet, but I really do wish you all of the best. I agree that the world can be very ugly, but also think that it has its beautiful moments. I hope that you get to experience more of those.

You are loved and you are not alone

[Wings]

Wow, both of you are are really nice people!

It sounds like your therapist has a much bigger problem with her own immaturity that you have with yours. You know, it takes a decent level of maturity to recognize that in some ways your immature. Maturation is a process, and we can be very mature in some ways while being immature in others. For example, a person may be a very compassionate listener, and able to provide wise counsel, and still throw a huge tantrum over a close call in traffic.

You mentioned a sense of entitlement, but not what you feel entitled to. I’d be interested in knowing what it is that you feel that you deserve.

People are often disappointing, especially if we have high expectations from them. Truly, if you have a relationship or friendship with a decent person, you will still be disappointed sometimes. That’s because were all human, and have our flaws. Some people have bigger flaws than others. Some people are impossible to live with. Some will lift your spirits one day, and betray you the next.

Once in a while, you come across a person that you can keep loving, even when they do things that piss you off.

You can blame those who hurt you for your current emotional state, but only you can guide your own thoughts toward healing.

Don’t regret having empathy and don’t expect any in return. A lot of people don’t have the capacity to reciprocate. Some people will express empathy and compassion toward you, and there’s a good chance they won’t be the same people that you empathized with.

Everyone needs help with something. If needing help diminishes a person’s worth, then everyone is useless, but you know that’s not how it is. Asking for help makes you a valued asset, as it provides an opportunity for someone else to find meaning in helping you. If you asked the wrong person, it won’t work out that way. Still, give yourself kudos for having the courage to ask.

It sounds like you have some messed up parents. I think I can relate. I had to live with the chronically depressed alcoholic father, and a bipolar schizophrenic mom who also had borderline personality disorder. It sounds like you’re in a no-win situation with your parents. Sometimes the only thing you can do is to love them from a distance.

[Verona2900]

Thank you for the nice words, I appreciate it. We’ll see what the future holds!

[Verona2900]

Thanks! I’m very sorry to hear about your parents, from what I have seen they are the pillar of many good things… and bad things as well when it comes to people. As for entitled, well the most recent example I can give you is that after so many years of being alive, I would feel like it’s my fathers responsibility to remember that I am allergic to strawberries and not offer me a strawberry cake at my birthday and then get mad when I refuse it. Like its kind of his " paternal duty" to know what might kill me. Especially since I have been allergic since birth and well, my mother and me have repeated it several times. I feel like i am entitled that he doesn’t get mad in front of everyone when I refuse it and he’s supposed to know. I don’t expect sorrys from people, that would be ridiculous in this world. But I do expect them to understand when I refuse something that can kill me. Which makes me entitled and selfish and emotionally immature according to this world.
But who knows I could be wrong, he might know and be actually trying to kill me. I don’t get surprised anymore.

[Vader]

It’ll get better, the pain will slowly decrease. I’m sorry for you feeling that way yet its normal and to be expected

[Wings]

I think rather than entitlement, you are having a reasonable expectation of your parents to know basic information about you, such as allergies. The modern perception of entitlement is when someone expects something to be handed to them that they could actually earn instead. That certainly doesn’t describe your situation

Alcohol really messes up the brain. Sometimes my dad could not remember my name. When I was hungry, he bought beer instead of feeding me.

It doesn’t happen to everyone, but some, like my dad actually developed an alcohol related dementia. Alcoholics are not in their right minds when they are drunk.

Your therapist who is in need of therapy, probably views emotional detachment as evidence of maturity. That’s not how it works. It’s hard not to care about your parents, regardless of how messed up they are. What is needed though, is sufficient acceptance of their condition, so that you can survive emotionally.

I think sooner or later you will encounter one or more people who are worthy of your love and compassion. Like you, they will have a history of sharing love that was not reciprocated.

When you reach a point that you can love others without regret, even when knowing they will not love you back, you will be a strong person indeed.

[Meridian_Flowers]

Hello @Verona2900 I have no idea if I am replying to this correctly, but I hope you will see this. I simply wanted to say that I understand, and that I admire your courage for sharing this. May the sun shine brightly to guide your path when it gets dark, and may you always have the strength to stand tall. You are not alone, and I truly hear you.