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Belongs to: Therapist analyzes Su!cIde by Ren
I have lost 4 friends to suicide and the guilt is so tough to live with and thought about IiT many times. One friend was drunk at a party and I gave him a ride home and and hid his car keys from him and left and latter he shot himself in front of his family and neighbors
I’m sorry for lost of four friends from suicide. If I was in your situation, I would be sad and guilty for not being a good friend. It’s okay to grief as long you can. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You did the best to support your friends during their good and bad days.
Hey, I’m really sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. Losing friends to suicide is incredibly painful, and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it’s been for you. Not only losing one friend and being forced to compose with their absence is heartbreak, but the fact that you’ve been through this journey over and over as you have lost four close friends to suicide must feel absolutely unreal at times. Each loss leaves a unique impact on you and makes you feel like a part of yourself is taken away until there’s almost nothing left. My heart goes out to you, my friend.
Feeling like you could have done something different, especially in that situation with your friend at the party, is completely understandable given the circumstances. When we lose someone we love to suicide, we can’t help looking back and try to rewrite the story in our mind, thinking of all the what if’s, and how maybe things could have been different. If only we said something or did something - thinking about it, we hope that maybe it would have make a difference. After losing friends to suicide over the years, I’ve experienced this spiral of guilt just like you, and it’s hard to reason ourselves through it. Still… it’s so important to hear it from others too:
it was not your fault. The decisions they made, you could not prevent them. Even when we see the red flags, even when we are present, we are not at fault for what happened. On the contrary, you did what you could friend. You gave him a ride home, you’ve shown that you cared about them, you were present. That makes a world of difference, and your friend knew without a doubt that you were here and cared about their well-being. Unfortunately, thoughts of suicide - and pain itself - blur our perception during those moments. Even if we know that we are loved, even if we know rationally that there are people around us to reach out to, it feels close to impossible to do it. It’s no one’s fault really. You are not to blame.
If you ever want to talk more about how you’re feeling or just need someone to listen, we are here, friend. You’re not alone. 