I have always been the person to help another person through their struggles. To take their problems and make them mine, to fix people. I have never battled with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, or anything like that. I just shrug it off and don’t care because the thing that would make me happy and not worry about my problems, were my friends. I had a friend group that manly consisted of 4 people and I trusted them and I could come to them and tell them stuff and feel better. But for the past year, things started to go down hill. You see, the main friend of the group, Gillian has always been a pessimist. But I got worst. I am a Christian and she is not and she just started being more hateful towards christians. She would say awful things about them and hate on them for no reason. I never did anything about it thought about it because I wanted to believe that she was a good person that stilled care for people. Slowly it got worse she started hating the world and saying awful things more and more. She cared less about school. She started becoming more and more hatful of herself. And there is so much more to her story. Then there is Isaac. Isaac was a great guy to hang out with. He was nice, laid back and just all around a cool dude. Then he stated changing. Started to become a jerk. Lately our relationship has gotten better, but idk. Then there is Bennie. He was a nice guy to hang around for a while. Then he started becoming a jerk as well. A few weeks ago he stopped being friends with Gillian because he said that her pessimistic views were getting to him and started making him a jerk. He then told me that he doesn’t was friends. Because I guess friends hurt him. And Claire, she didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing happened her she just, left the group I guess. There is so much about this situation it’s hard to put it all into words. Sorry if none of it is making sense. Anyway in 7th grade I met this one guys named Kallen. He was the popular jock that everyone wanted to be friends with so I just never bothered to be friends with him. He was simply just a guy that I would say hi too and that’s really it. Then this last year in 8th grade I started to become better friends with him. We got to know each other more and we hung out a bit more. I still was committed to my original friend group but we chatted a bit more. I got to get to know his friend group better which consisted of Tristan and Ashlyn whom I already knew pretty well. We started hanging a bit more and we went all went to the park and hung out a few times. The 8th grade went on this school trip thing to Klamath Falls to learn and explore things on the Modoc War. On the way back from the trip we sat next to each other and I asked him “If you could, would you become more popular than you already are, stay at where you are, or become less popular.” He immediately answered with “less popular.” I asked him why and he said that he was struggling with the same thing I was. All of his friends (other than Ashlyn and Tristan), his friend Group was falling apart. They were all becoming arrogant jerks he said and he said it just sucked. He said the only guy friends he really had was me and two other people. And I told him I was kinda going through the same thing. And we kinda connected on that aspect. Because before, I saw 0 brokenness or problems with him. He was always nice and great to talk too. I felt like I can finally find a true friend. Someone who won’t be a jerk, judge me and always be there by my side. But, I realized something. Him, Tristan, I and 45 other students in the 8th grade went on a trip to the east coast. He, and Tristan hung with this guy that I was never that found of. And when I tried to talk to him and hang, I was just ignored. When I tried to inquire something, nobody acknowledged my existence. The only way I could talk to them was if it were just us three and even then that never happened he would just always talk to Tristan and her with him. I asked him if that one guy they hung with was a chill guy to hang with or not and he said yes. I never liked him because he had always been a jerk to people I cared about and he could care less about any thing. I guess I saw him in a different light than Kallen did. I examined the way they behaved and acted and I realized I could never be good friends with them, with who I am. They wouldn’t really like me. I would have to put on a fake persona in order to get them to recognize me. And that moment I also realized. I. Have. No. Friends. Sure I have people to talk to, but I don’t have a friend. Not even one. I am alone. I have no one to vent to, no one to smile when I see. I have no one. I guess the only real friend is my Youth Pastor, Bray. I wish I could have a friend. But I guess that’s how the world works. The only way you can find a friend and to be accepted in this world, is to be the hating pessimist. I have always been the loving optimist. Idk if anyone is going to read this. But if someone does, do me a favor and please pray for me. And I am sorry if all this doesn’t make sense. My mind is going a million miles per hour as I am writing this and there is so much to say. Every thing is so complex this entire situation that is. Thank you to anyone who is willing to sit through this loooooonngg thing and read it. I means a lot to me. I just hope I can find a good friend. And a good friend soon. Thank you
Wow. Sounds like your group of friends have really gone through a lot. It’s hard because as time goes on and life changes, so do people. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. And it sucks when it’s in our own social groups.
I’ve gone through this many times in my life. I had a few groups of friends that I had to just eventually dissociate with either because of toxicity, unhealthy behavior or something I just didn’t want to be involved in.
It’s a hard process to go through. But it’s best to hang out with people who bring you up, support you, bring good into your life, encourage you and don’t make you feel like you have edit yourself or walk on egg shells.
Even without all of the deeper details, everything you said makes sense. I’m sorry that things have left you distant from friendships that at one point we’re important
One thing I have learned in life is that, as we grow and get older, relationships will come and go. Sometimes we will find the rare gem that will stick with us but relationships for a variety of reasons will come and go. Sometimes it’s because people move, sometimes people get married and have kids, some people get busy with college or jobs. Some people have mental health issues and don’t know how to be social and sometimes people make poor choices and change for the worse causing strain in a relationship. And some of these people you will stay connected with through social media and talk in passing. Others you will never talk again. And like I said, sometimes you’ll find that rare gem that sticks around.
We grow as we go through our different relationships. We learn about who we are, who we want to be. How we want our relationships to be. We learn where we need to Better ourselves in our relationships and also what we need and what we expect in our relationships. As a whole hopefully, even when it’s hard or hurts, you will gain strength and knowledge and become better for it as you go through them.
I’m sorry your circle of friends fell apart. But I hope you will find new friends who lift you up. Things can get better.
I struggle to find friends too. I’m often different than a lot of people and don’t like being involved in things everyone else does. I’m gentle hearted. Don’t like drama and don’t like hanging around negativity or gossipers. It can be hard to find good people but they are out there
So much love to you my friend
Thank you so much! I appreciate the feed back!