I hear you friend. Maybe when you were writing those words, it didn’t feel as if you were doing justice to the pain you’ve been feeling for years now. Although I can assure you that your pain is heard and felt here.
What you’ve been through goes beyond words, and I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you to navigate through grief while also dealing with all these physical issues. It’s like receiving bad news after bad news, leaving you wondering what is going to be the next slap on your face. It’s hard to feel hopeful and foresee a positive future when it feels like your present is overtaken by so much struggle and pain that have yet to be externalized, expressed, coped with.
Losing someone you love to suicide and ont having the possibility to be present at their funerals must have felt so devastating. I’m so sorry, friend. I know how much funerals are not something we ever want to be present for, but it certainly does help the ones who are still living to say goobye and learn to live with the pain of losing someone they love. It’s hard when it feels like this possibility has been lost. It leaves you with this added sense of having no closure and not knowing where to find it now that the person is gone.
Feeling depressed and sad is completely understandable with everything you’re going through. The depth of your pain, both inside and out, is something that’s hard to put into words. It’s like a wound that never fully heals, constantly aching and reminding you of all the loss and struggles you’ve faced. You’ve been without a doubt so very strong for surviging through it and just doing your best to keep one foot in front of another. It may not feel like fully walking everyday, but you are standing up for yourself, for the very breath in your lungs - by your presence, your openness here, your willingness to share your story too.
You’ve been carrying so much, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and lost right now, friend. I promise you this is not meant to be a destination or a place to be stuck in. It might feel like this chapter of your life is incredibly long and you’re so eagerly waiting for a new light, a positive change, a transformation somehow. You will get through this, friend. There’s so much more resource, beauty and value in you than you might imagine - one that transcends the pain you’ve been carrying, and goes beyond the limitations that your physical health might add into your life.
Sending many hugs your way. 
-Marie-Anne, Heartsupport Staff