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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Search By NF
I have this thing in my head that always says that i will never make it in live so i can just make it easier by jumping of a brigde, etc… I am always trying to get rid of it, but it always comes back.
Yea, this voice is one that tends to resist to our efforts in pushing it away. It’s so hard when you somehow realize that you reach of point of having to compose with it, hoping somehow that it would disappear one day. On one hand it’s there for a reason - it says something about your pain, your wounds, but on the other side it’s like having an unwanted guest. Picture your mind like a home, it’s like having this nasty person coming in without warning you, criticizing the environment, the decoration, you… leaving you feeling bad about yourself and your life. Then it points you towards a “solution” - ending it all, and tries to convince you that it’s the best way forward.
I’ve been familiar with this voice myself, for quite a long time now. Some seasons of life, it’s more muted. Other times it’s more present again. OVer the years though, I’ve tried to look at it beyond what it is saying. I try to see it for the pain it reveals, even if it’s expressing it in a way that doesn’t serve me. When it’s more present, it’s usually because I’m struggling more, or something triggered me, or a difficult event just happened and make me feel like losing hope or questioning every life decision. It’s hard to accept that it’s there when you only want for it to disappear and to start fully embracing life. To ask myself “what’s behind this voice, and why is it present now?”, is something that helps me deal with it personally. To try, instead of rejecting it, to be curious about what it’s trying to say - with the wrong words and vocabulary. Because you absolutely don’t deserve to disappear. But your pain deserves acknowledgement, support, healing.
You matter so very much, friend. I hope you keep holding on and maybe expand your support network, as much as you need. It’s so important - and brave - to talk about your experience with these thoughts, especially as it usually remains unseen. So thankful you’re here with us today.
-Marie-Anne, Heartsupport Staff