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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Alice in Chains Nutshell
I have treatment resistant depression and this is what it feels like…
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Yea… depression is a real beast. An unwanted shadow that keeps following you wherever you go. Just yesterday, I told my therapist that the overwhelm I was feeling was exactly as if I was carrying someone on my back while walking, working, doing daily chores. It’s freaking heavy, and feels very fitting for how the ghost of depression can pressure us over and over. It’s so hard to feel this constant heaviness both during bad and relatively good days. To feel numb to joy or to feeling alive, while hitting rock bottom feels, on the contrary, very real and so close all the time. It’s this sensation that it just never ends - when you think it got worse, you are then hit with another wave of struggle making you wonder how on earth it keeps going deeper.
I’m sorry, friend, that this has been a part of your own life experiences. I can only imagine how defeating it must be to have on top of it a depression that resists to treatments. In our world, medications and therapy appear to be the golden ticket when it comes to healing. So being confronted to the fact that meds might not be of use to you must feel so disheartening, if not isolating too. Makes you wonder: “why me?”. The agony and exhaustion that depression creates is so present, and it’s almost as if the world around you was only telling you to endure and suffer silently in order to get a sense of what life can be.
So freaking proud of you for commenting here and sharing about your struggles… having carrying c-ptsd for most of my life, and likely forced to work on it for the rest of it, my heart goes out to you. Sincerely. There’s something about chronic and life-long struggles like these that can really push us into a rabbit whole of despair and helplessness. Just making us wonder who we are - or who we could be - without these layers of pain and numbness intertwined. Some days it’s easy to refocus on the simple things that matter most… but most days the big picture and questions unanswered are pretty overwhelming.
If anything, you are not alone in what feels like a very isolated place. You are so much more and have so much more potential than what this depression could try to convince you of. There is a fierce force of life in you, even if it might feel muted. 
-Marie-Anne
Hi, thank you for sharing! Depression is a very scary thing to deal with and it can be challenging too. Just know that you’re not alone and it will get better with time. You will get through this!
Hi! I’m so sorry you are going through this… I didn’t even knew there was treatment resistant depression 
, it must be very difficult to deal with that. But please don’t feel hopeless, there’s always new studies, new meds, who knows, maybe they found a way to beat it… In the meanwhile try to keep close with a friend or relative, someone you can trust to keep an eye on you, to be there if you need to talk or take a walk or just be around in silence. Don’t let yourself alone. If you don’t feel confortable to talk about how you feel with noone, feel free to write it here! I always find easier to write than to speak… I struggle a lot in therapy, but I know that it will end to help me expressing myself.
Just one more thing. Music really connect us, it bring us together in the good and in the hard times. Someone who knows and loves the same music will probably understand better what you are feeling and why you have such a connection to that song. Don’t feel afraid to speak up. I promise there’s always someone to listen. Stay safe
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