Loneliness is surely a tough beast to tame, yet it’s also interesting how it can make us feel empowered at times. It’s the whole difference between loneliness and solitude - the quality of your experience, the intention you set into it, the level of comfort (or discomfort) when you sit down with yourself, are all components that can make being alone this either fulfilling or completely heart-shattering experience.
The way you describe these times you spend in your car screaming your lungs empty… gosh I resonate so much with it. This deep sensation that you are navigating the uneasiness of being on your own, both the freedom it gives and the fears it creates at the same time… In a world full of people, being alone can seem to be a safe option but also one that pushes you away from the ones around you. Being there but also not is a powerful survival strategy, while you crave for being seen without the risk of being hurt. It makes even more sense to feel this dichotomy given that you had this painful experience with your ex. You’ve learned to trust them, to share your heart with them. Being hurt in return makes you just want to hide away, crawl back in and remove any possibility to be that close to someone again… as at least it removes the risk of being hurt too. But then it feels like a punishment to yourself because it isolates you even more. It removes the possibility of love and genuine affection to be a part of your life… which feels like a neverending cycle where you just can’t win. And that’s deeply unfair.
I am in a long-term relationship with someone, and can only imagine how it would be - how I would be - if we had to break up one day. Sometimes my mind wanders and thinks about this awful scenario (anxious bean here!), and I can feel the depth of the loneliness it would create already. The difficulty of even thinking about getting back on my feet and accepting to be an integral part of this world again, of other people’s lives. My heart goes out to you, truly, as you’ve been navigating this singular experience. To me, over the years, the loneliness has hit the most when I was hurting because of past traumas and no one would understand how it feels. It felt like I wanted to be known truly but was also constantly afraid of letting anyone in. I was already too vulnerable. So times of silence were so dense and heavy… It’s incredible how much gravity that sense of nothingness can bring to one’s heart.
Somehow though, this experience changed as I learned to be myself more unapologetically with anyone I would interact to. As I learn to know my boundaries and to respect them. As I learned to see the life within me, and how much even when I was physically alone, I wasn’t really. There’s an ally within us that we often underestimate and overlook… ourselves. From what it’s worth from a stranger like me, the way you describe all of this makes me think that you truly are a wonderful ally to yourself. You know when you tried to cope in ways that were unhealthy, and how it affected you - you didn’t enable it nor denied it. You name things that are difficult to even acknowledge in the first place when the first thing we want is to run away from pain. You have a strong amount of self-awareness, self-understanding, and I hope that you can pair it more and more with self-compassion. You have been through a relationship that broke your heart - yet you made it through. You survived, even if at times you leaned towards self-destruction. You have been holding on to life, to this beautiful flame inside of you that is only asking to shine again.
I hope with all my heart that, with time, compassion and maybe even external support, you will trade the experience of loneliness for solitude. Something that doesn’t have to be endured, but is a pleasant experience for you to recharge, gather your strengths and feel whole again, whenever you decide to show up and give a try to trusting others again. The broken pieces that were left are still so very full of life my friend, and I believe in you in painting a beautiful picture with it again. You set the pace - you, with your resilience, with your thoughtfulness, with your unique voice, with your full story. 
-Micro