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Belongs to: Pearl Jam's Black does such a beautiful job
I hurt her so much, but I was blind at the time, nowadays I suffer a lot knowing that I made her cry so much, she was always a girl with a childlike spirit, always a sweet person, I lost her, and that hurts in my soul, I can’t sleep at night, I wanted to go back in time and live it all over again, but with the mind I have today, I was so happy with her, I only realize this now that I lost her
The guilt and anger we feel at our past self is hard to let go of. The “what-ifs” and feeling like we only realized what we had when it was gone is a hard burden to carry.
I went through a breakup about 2 years ago that left me feeling angry at myself and unable to move past it for a really long time. I kept trying to push it down, but it never seemed to leave me. I felt like there was this cloud hanging over me and I couldn’t shake it away.
It is so easy to push down or to ruminate on our emotions. To feel them and have to take the next step to break the spiral is scary and challenging. I remember avoiding talking about it with him and pushing him away because I didn’t want to think about it and the idea of closure scared me. As much as I didn’t want to, I talked with him and processed everything that I pushed down. It hurt, but it was the only thing that I can directly point to and say helped me heal.
Our thought patterns can be so hard to break, and oftentimes they run deeper than the surface. When I feel like I’m in a mental rut, I try to jot down the thoughts and work backwards until I find the deep-rooted reason that I can work through or an action I need to take.
Guilt is so painful, my friend, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this burden. Know that it is in the past, and you have and are currently changing. The past will always be the past, but it will always be behind you. When I look back at things that I feel I made a mistake on, I try to look at them neutrally. Not as a bad or good thing, but something that happens and I will move on past. I am glad that you have been able to get yourself to the mental place you are in today. Keep pushing forward my friend, this will not feel this heavy forever <3
It sounds like you are feeling regret while reminiscing about your relationship. In hindsight, who she is cast in a golden hue. You remember her childlike spirit and sweetness and miss how you felt with her. You think back to that happiness and wish you could feel that way again. It is totally understandable to be holding your relationship up in that light. I hear how you are feeling guilt over how you hurt her and how you made her cry. Those feelings of hurting someone you care about would be so heavy to carry.
You say it hurts in your soul how you lost her. I image losing someone who represents an angelic and loving presence would feel like losing light and love itself. It could feel like being incapable of love once that image of love is lost. If she is light, and you lost the light, now you are only in darkness. That would be a place of incredible despair. It sets you up as the one who hurt her and pushed her away and the one to blame for losing your love and light.
What is the light is not lost to you?
What if all she represents with innocence is not gone for good?
While you are in this suffering of missing her and holding
What if you are just as capable of love?
What if the lessons you learned will actually help you find and maintain healthy love again?
What if you can use this heartbreak and disappointment to find joy again?
All things are possible.
Your partner represented love to you, but she does not contain all love- she was a reflection of it that was a beautiful gift to you while you had her in your life. Being able to know her shows you that such love exists. If it existed in her, it can exist again. You are able to extend that same love to yourself and find it. While you are carrying this guilt about how you showed up in that relationship, you are learning and you are growing. We are so proud of you here at HeartSupport for opening up in such an authentic way!
