I keep screwing up friendships. The one person I thought would always be for me hates me, and for good reason. I’m stupid, worthless, and not a valuable person in the slightest. All I wanted was to just have a friend, and that’s got misinterpreted, and now I have no one. I can’t keep a relationship. I fail as a musician, as a person, as a father…I’m a complete failure. I’m even failing at killing myself. I don’t know what else to do. Suicide hotline was busy. Even they don’t want to speak to me. Why is it so hard to just vanish? Everyone would be happy if I didn’t exist, but I don’t know how to go about ending my life existence. I hate the way I am. I hate having a big heart. I hate that I care about people. I hate me, period. I just don’t want to feel anymore…I don’t want to feel anything. God seems to have thrown me away also. I have nothing…
It looks like there’s a lot’s going on right now, but I’m sure we can do some things to make it better. It helps me to type everything out as clearly and honestly as I can, then I know where to go from there. If that sounds like it’ll help you, try it. It can be on here, or just to yourself if that’s more comfortable.
I’m sure you’re not a failure Ken! Things get hard and I bet you’re genuinely trying to make things work out. I know those negative feelings are so strong right now that it sounds stupid to imagine they could end, but they will and you will be okay.
You mentioned that the suicide hotline was busy. Are you in danger? If you’re feeling like hurting yourself, please call again or let me know where you’re from so I can look up some more resources for you. I promise everything will be okay, we’ve just got to get through this hard bit. People care about you and are glad you’re around.
You seem to be feeling as I do. It’s the curse of depression. Fatigue, lack of motivation n support, self hatred. Not understood, criticized by everyone including ourselves. Instinct to live is a jerk because living is prolonged death really. I’m not going to say you aren’t any of those things because you know better than I do. If you are, then accept it. Lower your own expectations. Stop trying to change or fix it. Just be that for a moment. Then once you’ve lowered your expectations and those around you… you can start taking steps to be what you want. That’s what I’m doing. Idk if it works yet but… It’s the resistance that holds us under water. Trying not to be what we are. Trying not to be tired depressed unmotivated and bad parents. But we are sick n that’s all we can be right now. So actually allowing a break may unclog the mind. Saying I can’t do any of this anymore… and stop. Really stop. Rest. Then add back things that you can do slowly.
