I don’t feel good. I kinda hate myself, I kinda just wanna go to sleep and not wake up. I’m not sure what’s making me feel really suicidal but I wish I could just shoot myself upside the head. I’m always making my family mad at me. Today my mom saw my new cuts, on my thighs and hand, and she took away my razor blade. And now I’m just having really bad suicidal thoughts and I can’t do anything about it. I just stopped writing for a second because I got distracted and I almost tried killing myself I guess, I got up and went to my room for a second to think about how I could do it but I kinda snapped out of it and sat back down to finish writing. It’s scary to think that I almost tried shit, and before I did I told my boyfriend that I loved him twice. And after I snapped out of it I came back and looked at our messages for a second and I started burning up from guilt. Like what if I killed myself just then, “I love you” would’ve been the last thing I said. Not like that’s a bad thing to say but still just last words, in general, aren’t good. I just wish I didn’t cause problems anymore.
Hello @brokenglass . Why do you hate yourself? No one is perfect. No one is as put together and at peace with themselves as they seem. You are enough. You don’t have to be anything but what you are. Believe me, I understand making your family mad at you. I know that feeling. You DO have worth. You’re not messing everything up. You’re not a problem. You have as much of a right to exist as anyone else. You’re fine just the way you are. Your body isn’t paper; don’t cut it. You are amazing! Your brain can process 60 bits of information! You have love for someone! Out of tens of thousands of other humans on this planet, you have a totally unique tongue print (ok that sounds a tad gross). My point is, you are enough. You are more than you think.
Don’t give up.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I know that it feels scary and never-ending. Like the pain you feel now will last as long as you do, but that’s not the case. I know it’s hard to believe right now but their is joy for you and if you chose to take your own life you will never experience that joy.
I have been in your position before, where I felt like there was nothing I could do to find happiness and that the world would be better off without me. I know it feels like you’re constantly treading water and don’t know where to turn. I encourage you to think about what has kept you alive so far. What things bring you joy? It sounds like your boyfriend does? What else? What little moments can you look to and hold onto to help pull you through this.
Sending you love my sweet friend,
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