So, August 2nd will mark 1 year since I got clean from prescription drugs… 1 year has been my goal from the very start of my recovery, and I’m so glad I’ve finally made it… The thing is, I feel as though I’ve slightly cheated it. I’ve relapsed in self-harm multiple times throughout the year. Including yesterday when I harmed worse than I ever have.
I’m living in a pretty abusive home, which, I am actively looking to move out of and yesterday there was a lot going on. My mum was having issues with my dad as per usual, and she vented at me about it like she always does. Thing was, I was exhausted after having worked all morning and dealing with my dad just shouting at me on the way to work because I wasn’t doing enough.
A few hours later, there was something said by another person that I just couldn’t handle. I don’t have much in the way of emotional support around me physically. I rely heavily on this community - and the people I have close relationships have their own families and friends to care for which means they’re not always around. I’m so incredibly grateful for these people, because they do their best day in and day out to be there for me when they can. The thing was, I was reminded that the people around me just abuse me, not support me, and that I don’t have that person I can call on whenever I need to just talk or get away. I cut because I remembered that the blades have always been there for me and because I felt horrendous for crying and needed that to stop. The more I cut, the better I felt, so I carried on until I couldn’t anymore. For the whole day after that I could barely move my upper arm. I’ve never cut that bad before, but, for the first time in a long time it really did help… I just felt incredibly guilty a few hours later.
I’m scared that the relief is going to overpower the guilt and I’ll get back into the cycle of doing it over and over…
Kayla