I don’t even know where to start. I went to a doctor for anxiety issues about five months ago. The medication I was put on put me in the hospital and triggered major underlying mental health issues. Since then I’ve been in the hospital numerous times and tried to take my own life. I was in a bad car accident and was robbed on the same day. My job essentially went no contact with me until I quit. I found another job but it’s a major pay cut from what I was making a year ago. My girlfriend tells me that I’m doing enough but we can’t afford anything.
All I’ve ever wanted to do with my life was make music but I have to much anxiety to even practice because I’m afraid I’m making too much noise.
I try to reach out to people but I always seem to be the one trying to keep in contact with people.
Nothing I try to do ever seems to work out.
Sometimes I think I just want to be left alone forever so I don’t have to try to pretend to be happy or okay.
Hi RustBucket, Welcome to Heartsupport, Thank you so much for posting in this community.
Good heavens you have been through the ringer haven’t you? I am so sorry you have had so many struggles and want to thank you so much for finding the courage to come here and write this all down to a bunch of strangers.
It is a dreadful feeling to feel useless, to feel like you honestly have to purpose at all, you cannot do anything right, say anything right or be of any use to anyone.
I am sure when you went to the doctor 5 months ago you figured that they would give you some medication and a little while later you would start to feel better?? I am sorry that was not the case, it is heartbreaking to know that the medication that was meant to help only made everything worse which led to you attempting to end your life, none of that of course was down to you, it was the was the reaction of the medication, that can happen to anyone, it was not because it was you. MH medication can be so hard to match with individuals, it took many attempts for me to find ones that worked when I first started on them, I too recall some awful side effects, I am sorry that happened to you, I don’t wish that on anyone, however once you find once that work and things do start to improve you can finally put that in the back of your mind and begin to move forward.
Both the accident and robbery must have been very frightening? Again, I am sorry you went through that, even the smallest trauma can leave you troubled for a while. I here you say you are struggling for money but if you get the chance to get any help for what you have suffered in recent months with meds, hospital, car accidents and robbery, I feel it would be a massive benefit to talk to someone to get things clear in your head. You mention making music, you may find a way in therapy that can include music, link the passion you have with the need for help that you require.
Friend, I do understand that feeling of wanting to be left alone. I choose to spend 95% of my time alone to try to stop anxiety and stress in my life – it doesn’t work. It sounds like you have a lovely girl by your side, that is your ticket to happiness if you love her. Lean on her and allow her to lean on you. Be there for one another. I wish you well. x
Hi RustBucket,
Welcome to HeartSupport! Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. I’m sorry to hear about all that you have been going through. It does seem like life has been piling on relentlessly for you. I can understand it must feel overwhelming to manage everything that is going on. You have had to undergo numerous changes and adjustments simultaneously. I’m sorry to hear about what happened when you sought help from a doctor. It took a lot of courage for you to seek help, so it is a shame that the prescribed meds had such an adverse effect and impact.
Additionally, the way your previous place of work responded and treated you was highly unprofessional and is evidence of a toxic work culture/environment. I’m glad that you were able to find somewhere new to work, despite the cut to earnings.
I’m also glad that you have such a supportive and loving girlfriend by your side. Friend, if she says you are doing enough, then to her and for her, you are doing enough. There are many ways to provide for a partner in a relationship, financially is just one of them. So though you currently may not be able to provide the way you used to financially, if you are still providing her with all of her other needs, emotionally, etc. then you are still providing for her.
On another note, I get how frustrating it can be to always be the one having to reach out. Every single person has a lot going on in life, yourself included, so it should not always have to be you. Have you ever discussed how you feel about this with friends. I found for myself sometimes that my friends did not realize that this was even happening, and during this conversation they were really able to put my mind at ease by expressing just how much they value and appreciate when I do reach out and how much they enjoy talking with me. After this conversation I even began to notice efforts of them making the first move and reaching out first. All of this to say that sometimes people aren’t aware of their own behaviour, or lack thereof, and are unaware that their actions (or lack thereof) are hurting us.
As far as the music goes, do you write music or are you interested in more of the beats or production side of music. Writing music is something that you can quietly, and it could be a good start. As for the production side, there are many tools out there on the internet now that can be used to practice and you would be able to use them with headphones. I have a couple friends that use websites and apps and stuff to work on their music. Lastly, as far as practicing out loud, I’m not sure what your living situation is, but if you live with others, maybe a discussion with them about scheduling time (like an hour or so a couple times a week) where you can practice could be a nice compromise. That way you have everyone’s approval and understanding and it could maybe reduce the anxiety you feel about the noise.
I’m sorry you feel as though you have to pretend to be okay, and that you have to keep your feelings and emotions in. That can be very tiring and draining for sure. I hope that you are able to find an outlet or resource where you can release and open up about how you really feel, and that you can find those who will listen. Until then, know that this platform is always open to you if you would like to share, vent, or have a release. I wish you the best and hope that things will start to turn around for you soon. 
Good morning Rustbucket,
I’m very sorry to hear about the unfortunate things that have happened in your life.
I know it’s hard to listen and accept things sometimes as I suffer from depression and anxiety I know well that when your wife says that you are doing enough, just sit with it for a moment and appreciate the acknowledgement.
As my wife has supported me she would often tell me that I am enough, that she appreciates the things I do.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, allow a little space for you and then you can work on growing that space.
It’s easy to feel useless when the conversation in your head has you at wits end.
And if you are having a bad da, then so be it.
Sometimes doing nothing is doing something.
Thank you for sharing