From [HAYAOKARO_]: I just left a sports award thing for school, which, given the choice I would not have gone. On the way out my two coaches asked if I was okay, to which I said I was, very clearly, I am not. I’m waiting for a therapist and currently battling issues of which have not been resolved (past trauma involving my biological deadbeat father featuring regrets from the past). I have the urge to analyze things and give myself some help, and I also want to cry. I’m tired as hell and feel unmotivated to do things, however, I have been able to get a few things done.
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It’s good to know you’re still getting things done, even while having difficult feelings. Having a therapist help you process your feelings will probably help. As far as things that happened in the past, part of the process is accepting that fact that some things or especially people won’t change. Then the next step is to recognize and appreciate your autonomy and freedom from the past. The mind often likes to ruminate over things that are unjust, but once you’re aware of this predisposition, it becomes easier to shift away from those thoughts.
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From [HAYAOKARO_]: I’m also still blaming myself for shit I did in the past
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I think there’s a difference between blaming and accepting responsibility. Blaming sounds like a repeated mental statement, “I did wrong, I did wrong, I did wrong…” Accepting responsibility takes the form of “I did wrong, now what can I do to make it better. What can I do to keep it from happening again?”
Continuous self blame is like perpetual punishment. It also convinces your mind that you cannot change. Once you accept that you’ve done something wrong, it changes you. When that happens, you are no longer the person you were. When you are stuck in a self blaming, self demoralizing loop of thoughts, it’s really hard to make positive change. Besides, it’s too easy to be unfair towards others if you are unfair towards yourself.
Perhaps what I’m telling you sounds a little bit too abstract, but think about it anyway. Maybe talk to your therapist about these concepts.
From [HAYAOKARO_]: I mean, I’ve told myself things along the lines of: “You did x, when you should’ve done y. You were being stupid and now we can’t fix it.”
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From [HAYAOKARO_]: Then I tell myself to shut up but that doesn’t work
From [HAYAOKARO_]: Not that this is a bad thing, nor a good thing, but I feel in a similar spot I was in my freshman year before I met one of the most helpful therapists I found
From [HAYAOKARO_]: On top of that, I don’t know what I want in life
From [HAYAOKARO_]: I mean, career and hobby wise I do - It’s that I feel “lost” in a sense