Hey there. I just need to get this out, and I don’t have a lot of IRL friends. And if I did, I can’t share this with them. I don’t share this with anyone. At any rate, maybe it will help others not feel as alone as I do.
My shame is my birthday and my birthday is soon. This time of year sucks. I thought I was doing ok this year. Some years it roars in- like when I turned 30 and spent the day sobbing. But this year, it’s like a low rumble, a whisper, an echo. It’s almost like my my shame is an old ex-friend and we’re not trying to avoid each other in Walmart anymore, we just pass, make quick eye contact, and go about our business.
This year my shame is 39. I don’t remember when it showed up. I think it was 26. 26 seems to stick out for no particular reason.
My shame shows up everywhere. On the cereal aisle in a mom with a new baby, it’s there. On my taxes in my filing status- it’s there. On doctors forms, in commercials, in songs I’ve heard hundreds of times, in passing comments from colleagues…and probably most painfully…in questions from my students my shame is there.
This year, I turn 39 years old. I have never been in love, or had someone love me. I have never been kissed. I’ve never experienced any kind of intimacy, anything from sex to taking care of someone when they have the flu. It’s my greatest shame. I am pathetic.
I grew up super evangelical with some twisted version of Christianity (“God will send you someone!” “Just pray about it.”) with parents who were either paranoid about safety (Mom: “You need to be able to take care of yourself cause men are bad and will hurt you.”) or stoic and emotionally unavailable (Dad). [Btw- my parents celebrated their 45 year anniversary last year.] I’m not blaming my upbringing per-se , but clearly it has impacted my choices.
And here’s the kicker: It’s all my fault.
I’m a wall builder. A master mason if you will. I build walls. People can’t hurt me if they can’t get to me. I’m fiercely independent- I will not ask for help. I’m a homebody. And by the time I realize it, I was in my 30s. Now, it’s too late.
Most people have no idea what it feels like to not be wanted. They go from partner to partner like no big deal. They complain about their significant other. They take it for granted, cause they think it’s something that everyone has. But not everyone does.
Not everyone gets a happily ever after. Sky Dad doesn’t send you a magical prince to share your life with.
So that’s it. I’m a freak. My shame whispers a million times “you’re not good enough” “you’re going to die alone” “how pathetic”. And I carry it with me 24/7. Sometimes it’s quiet. Sometimes I’ll be having a nice day, and it will hit me like a truck. I hate going to Walmart. I hate seeing couples. Jealously is the wrong word. It just makes me feel like crap. It’s a constant reminder. Like emotional diarrhea. It’s caused me to have anxiety and depression, or at least be a contributing factor.
This year, it feels a little lighter. It seems that my shame is settling in my soul. I think that means I’ve finally start to give up hope. I feel like that’s a win. If I can stop hoping, and just accept it is what it is, I think I will finally be free. “Hope plays a wicked game with the mind.” I’m proud of how far I have come.
If this story resonates with you, please know that you’re not alone. I feel alone too. But I know I can’t be the only one who deals with this. I mean statistically speaking, right?
I don’t want advice on how to meet people. I don’t want encouragement to keep getting out there or not giving up hope. You have no idea how empty my soul is. At this point, it wouldn’t even be fair to be in a relationship with someone cause I’m basically a shell of who I used to be. But if you do have someone, don’t take them for granted.
