When I make new friends they end up either like this, way older with too much on their hands, or victims being pursued by the same thing and you end up being threatened by their stalker. The closest I get to making a genuine new friend it’s always hard to talk to them and I never know what to say because I’m afraid of saying something stupid. I say something stupid regardless and then struggle on finding something to entertain them.
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It can also be misinterpreted by people, especially if they have some type of mental disorder.
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Overt body language can be faked, but I don’t believe micro expressions can be. It is true, that a person can make an effort to approximate things like the appearance of confidence or sincerity, yet it doesn’t take long for the act to become transparent. Faking confidence is highly forgivable, and just as smiling when sad can make you feel a little bit better, faking confidence can actually instill a bit more of it. Faking sincerity is far more insidious, and those who are sociopathic are pretty good at doing it.
A person who fakes confidence can be of good character, but a person who fakes sincerity cannot be. In my experience, I have never met anyone, including sociopaths, whose fake sincerity had me believing it for more than a couple of weeks. That’s because such people believe themselves to be more clever than they actually are, and time exposes inconsistencies in their act.
People who act confident can with enough practice develop true confidence. Insincere people don’t have the same kind of motivation, therefore faking sincerity doesn’t lead to sincerity.
Even while acknowledging that you might be projecting a victim’s image, you can adopt a mindset such as, “I may be a victim, but there is no way in hell I will let you get under my skin again.” You can have absolute knowledge that you don’t have to let these people hurt you anymore. With such commitment to self protection, would be victimizers most likely will sense the strength that you have developed.
Remember, you have good intentions and integrity at your core. No one has a right to attack that. Don’t let other people or circumstances change who you are. Sooner or later, you will encounter decent, openhearted people, people like those you have met here, but physically present.
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You shouldn’t need to “entertain” people to become friends with them. Sure, a sense of humour and jokiness help a lot, but you don’t need that all of the time
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No kidding. Whether it’s a mental disorder or a brought up fucked up way of thinking from enviroment, it can either be hard to read someone’s body language at all, or people misinterpret it because of an unconscious way of thinking they have. I know I tend to take all body language seriously and use it as my main way of knowing if I have permission to get closer or keep my distance, judge if they’re going to be an ass or not, and whether they may have some mental disorders and I need to go a bit easier with them or help them out with things. And I’ve noticed other people always sexualize any action I have in body language and assume odd shit about me which I absolutely hate because they’re pretty much projecting their unconscious constant sexual way of thinking onto me. Idk if you have had people sexualize ever single innocent thing you do but it really makes me want to tear a limb off of them. Like for one fucking second can you be a genuine human being and not a grown up 8 year old still going through puberty and discovering your sexuality?
Damnit I went on another rant lmao
Makes sense, but tbh it’s hard for me sometimes to see through things, that’s only when I’m attached to someone though. It’s like you want to beleive they can be good because you love them but they just take advantage of that to wrap you around their finger more and make you think you’re right. They’ll use what you care about most, they’ll never care for you, but they’ll make you think they do, and it’s hard to tell if it’s genuine. You never know if that’s true or not. Sometimes it feels very true, but other times when you see their genuine side, or they act opposite, you can’t tell. You can’t tell if they secretly care or they’re incapable of caring and only know how to act the part.
I do struggle a bit with not letting people get under my skin though in terms of anger. I havent physically harmed someone from anger in a long time, but if someone does get under my skin I usually think about what I would do to them for a while without acting upon it. Maybe that’s better than how I acted in the past but I honestly feel like controlling it has done more harm to me than good. I also find it most annoying when if someone hurts you they don’t get in touble, but when you hurt them you get in trouble. That’s something big I loathe about society. The bad always get away with it. Is there any way to fix it though? No, this world’s timeline is the bad one, so everything was bound to be twisted from the beginning.
I may have good intentions and integrity, but good intentions and integrity is what gets you killed. I’ll continue to choose to stay that way though, because it’s the right way to live and what’s most true to me, but I don’t want to just give up my anger and “forgive” others. I would like to work on my stragety more.
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Agreed, but that seems to be the only thing that makes someone connect with you. I have a hard time conversing with people or any social interaction, so people usually only connect with me on their own terms and then I get alot more comfortable. You usually have to entertain someone if you don’t want them to get bored of you and leave you.
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We can be very wrong in our perceptions of people and be so far off from what that person’s truth is. Just because we ‘think’ we know, doesn’t mean we do.
Can you give me an example?
There have been people in my life who have, but not everyone and not always. I’m at an age now where that stuff doesn’t bother me and if I do have a prob with someone for doing it, I tell them. I don’t let it eat me away and I don’t let it effect how I feel about my self. I’m very open and comfortable with my sexuality, if I want to wear something sexy, I will.
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It wasn’t until I was 20 years old before I got a clue that any form of sincerity other than hostility actually existed. I felt as though “love” was a word used for emotional leverage, and nothing more. For that reason, it wasn’t easy for me to discern who was or wasn’t honest and sincere. It sounds like your environment, past or present, has led you to have similar difficulty deciding who to trust. It becomes even more complicated when someone is sincere in the moment, but later loses that warm, fuzzy feeling, and regresses towards self interest that excludes consideration for others. In short, sometimes people truly care in the moment, then forget about it later on.
That’s simply a way of processing thoughts and feelings. It’s better to acknowledge them than to suppress them. Suppressed feelings can lead to emotional volatility. Actually, not controlling overt expressions of anger will do much more harm than good. Sometimes you will be in a situation where you simply can’t do or say anything without getting into trouble. Sometimes, when I’m really upset about something or someone, I take a nice long walk. There is something about walking and thinking that helps me calm down.
I once left a note for someone which said “being who you are is punishment for the things you do.” The guy had a screaming meltdown, and I thought we were going to end up fighting. Instead, after a lot of arguing, we started to get along. Anyway, we may not see immediate consequences when someone does something bad, but bad behavior has a way of catching up to a person. While working hospice, I’ve seen several people struggling with their past almost until their final moments.
Yeah, that happens a lot, but it’s okay to allow the consequences of our actions establish lines that we will no longer cross. In other words, maybe getting in trouble is a good thing, because it will keep us from doing things we shouldn’t.
Maybe, but living without those attributes is even greater suffering, and it will affect those around you as well. It’s better to be at peace with yourself. Occasionally, your example will inspire others.
Do you feel that being forgiving will make you more vulnerable? What advantage do you feel that your anger provides? How do you define forgiveness? I could write a short book or a long essay on forgiveness. Maybe someday I will.
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I have quite a few examples, I tried to list them but listing them just makes me uncomfortable. The best I can describe is they make sexual comments after I do something totally normal.
It just makes me feel like I can’t do things or wear things because Its always going to be sexualized.
I don’t exactly let it eat me away, but it’s what usually starts all the creepy situations.
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I love this idea! But I’m sure it would require alot of research.
Being forgiving is dangerous. It’s a decision that you can’t just throw at someone, you have to really think about it, you have to be careful. If you make the wrong decision you will jsut get hurt again so yes, sometimes forgiveness is a terrible idea. You can forget but you don’t have to forgive.
Anger creates fear, and fear provides control and power, it’s needed for one to protect themselves. It also makes you feel good. And the most important: it gives you motivation. And motivation, for me at least, is really hard to come by.
Forgiveness is a very important concept for me, but in the opposite way.
Forgiveness is just the act of One party rationally and maturely acknowledging what they’ve done wrong, regretting it, and genuinely wanting to change. They will go through with it not only for the reconciliation, but for their own growth. And afterwards the other party can forgive, and slowly start to trust them again and agree to let them back into their life. But, only if they choose to do so. You don’t have to forgive someone. Not forgiving someone can be the more healthy option. It doesnt make you “weak” and “reactive” it means you’re acknowledging someone did something fucked up, and you have the valid right not to forgive that. And logically, if it’s something serious, you can’t always just forgive someone. It just isn’t humanly possible most of the time. Sometimes it’s a matter of working through it and struggling with it for as long as the trauma sets, until you finally find a way to cope, and eventually face it and heal. And, usually, people like this have already forgiven enough and not having to forgive anymore is the realization that sets them on the right path to heal.
Forgiveness is important to me, because it is a very serious concept that people can misunderstand very easily. It’s a lot more about forgetting if I’m tbh though.
In most dangerous situations, forgiveness does nothing and only hurts the person more. Because the abuser will never forgive, but the victim will, which is very unhealthy. Plus, forgiveness might encourage the perpetrator to beleive that it is not a big deal nor their fault, and hurt people again, saying to that next person “this isn’t my fault I didn’t do anything wrong.” Because the previous person taught them that “Forgiveness = oh then I can just do it again and it won’t be my fault.” Which encourages the cycle of abuse even more.
Also, not forgiving someone can be important for them to grow as a person. In not being forgiven, they may look upon their actions and want to change- hopefully for themselves. It helps them learn what’s right and wrong.
If I’m to be honest forgiveness is what has hurt me most. It’s been high on the list of the most regrettable and stupid decisions I’ve ever made, because it only made things way worse and more dangerous.
I was already raised to forgive people and accept people unconditionally, but in doing that it caused alot more damage than I expected. One may think that forgiving and accepting someone is a good thing, but a sociopath, or a generally abusive person, you’re basically digging yourself a hole to bring you to their level.
That sounds very difficult to go through, I have a hard time descerning so I’ve learned to just pick not sincere from the start until proven otherwise. I can’t really tell if the ability or action of discerning something is a logical or emotional participation. I’m sure it’s both but it’s a bit difficult.
I actually was too easy of trusting when I was a kid, which is probably why all this happened to me. It was a bit opposite for me as when I was little I didn’t think anyone was capable of doing something bad, I thought everyone was good and being bad was never an option. My mom didn’t raise me to understand the reality of the world or how it worked. So I grew up to be pretty fucking stupid. Tbh, I blame her alot for that, and religion. She raised me to be a naive and happy little shit, so when I got older I was preyed upon by those who already knew how fucked the world is and had affected them. I think that’s now why it’s so difficult for me to discern things nowadays, so I really do have no choice but to be wary.
I hate when they’re sincere in the moment and then just suddenly change. I honestly can’t stand people like that anymore, they always do that. There’s no point in being around people who can’t decide who they want to be and how they want to act.
I really would like to talk to people again, make a friend, but it’s just… I’m scared. I’m terrified. For me, making connections is important and you’re supposed to take alot of care of it. Like a flower. You have to know what it needs to live, how much or little sunlight, how much or often it needs water. What helps it grow more and what may kill it. To me they are fragile and delicate things, and they need to taken care of properly and carefully. You can’t just abandon it or it will die. You can’t give it too much attention or it will wilt. You have to know what ways it may grow and why type of plant it is. And most of all- you can’t be bad at it. It’s just, so much work. And in the end you truly don’t know if what you’re growing is going to be toxic and poisonous or fruitful and beautiful. I can’t just make connections so easily.
I’m just tired of the same thing happening to me over and over.
Idk… I mean think about what I’ve told you. This narcy disgusting little fucking bitch did those things to animals, groomed me and other people, and now he’s working in veterinary, and his only excuse was “I don’t want to be considered a rapist, I’m just a naturally horny person”. Do you really think people like this get what comes to them in this world? There is no god in this world, and if there was it abandoned us. The only way we can fix this is if we take the job into our own hands. And fuck the police at this point, jfc. Justice system doesn’t do shit half the time all they care about is kids smoking weed. Takes people more than 14 cases of fucking CPS just to save them. And the court cases are just a fucking joke, they always let the criminal go lightly with just a slap on the wrist and the victim accused of making shit up. And by then the kid is already too fucked up to be saved anymore. If people just did their fucking job… Then the world wouldn’t be this way anymore. Some people don’t realize how important their job is, and that the fate of the world- and entire lives- rests on their shoulders.
Question on hospice, what type exactly? Psych wards or health hospitals? I’ve been wanting to just join some sort of community program to help people as a job or just a volunteer, but I don’t exactly know where I’d go to do that or what they’re even called. I wouldn’t like working at a psych ward but it would be nice to help people out at a hospital or helping out the poor, or the environment. I don’t exactly know what to do as a job so for now I would like to help people, I just don’t know how I would even start.
No. I get what you’re saying but the issue is the wrong people are always getting in trouble.
I mean, I try, but instead it leads to more bad.
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I don’t believe in forgiveness. It makes whatever was done to you ok and it’s not. It’s about making the other person feel better.
You know there are people who actually struggle with this? It’s actually a symptom of borderline personality disorder that I struggle with myself. Is there no point in being around me?
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Not at all.
I’m not taking about that, I’m talking about the actions of the abuser itself, and being tired of them not being able to decide if they want to continously treat someone like shit with no remorse or be kind and acknowledge the kindness given to them. You would want to encourage the good side of them but after a while it’s up to them if they want to treat others with positive sincerity. And if they continue to just be emotionally draining to be around, then why put up with it? I’m not talking someone who is struggling but truly means well and actually tries. Plus sometimes you just can’t take being around the toxicity for so long because it’s dangerous for you health so you have no choice but to cut them off. For example, I had spent years being this man’s friend, and tolerating it. I remember one time he told me that sometimes he truly feels good and normal and like himself again, and then suddenly the next day something will overtake him and he becomes what he called “a psychotic socoipath”. And as I had dealt with it over and over again for years, I came to decide that his switches in personality was something I didn’t have to tolerate. I could choose to decide that, “You know what? I’m done.” And whether it was a mental disorder of his, or an excuse for me to tolerate his actions, I didn’t have to deal with it if I didn’t want to anymore. And you can only tolerate someone for so long when they are deeply damaging you to a point where you question to own sanity. And it is also a reason you don’t have to forgive anymore.
Agreed, forgiveness in the way most people teach it, is not about healing, it about fortifying toxic friendships or abusive situations. And the way it should be used, is to fortify normal relationships and situations. There’s a huge limit to it that people don’t realize. And that is extremely dangerous and unhealthy to encourage after you reach that limit. It may help sometimes with minor situations or with yourself if you’ve done something, but if the situation is more severe, it is usually not an option. There are way too many ethics that go into forgiveness that make such a big difference that people don’t realize.
What I think people don’t understand about forgiveness in severe situations is that it has a lot more play on mercy than personal healing. (And this is only if it’s with the other person.) When you forgive someone for something small, you care about them and it’s usually not a big deal. But when it’s severe, and you choose to forgive, you are showing mercy, and not everyone deserves mercy.
When it’s the one who is being shown mercy, or forgiving themselves, it’s because they’ve acknowledged, sympathized with those they hurt, regretted, and changed. And that is the only genuine type of forgiveness to the self, and also why it cannot work properly if this party does not participate in the ritual of forgiveness.
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I’m not sure I get what you’re saying. They are abusers and prob not capable of doing that.
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What exactly do you not understand? Maybe I misstyped or I don’t understand it correctly?
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Are you talking about them making a choice to get therapy and work out why they are abusers than learning to acknowledge the kindness given to them? I don’t think most people who abuse can just decide on their own. There is a reason they are the way they are.
Also, when I said above that I didn’t believe in forgiveness I was referring to those who cause trauma in our lives, not like forgiving a friend for something. Of course I would do that.
ps my mind is very foggy today, so I’m sorry if I’m just not getting it lol
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No, I know they can’t decide on their own. They usually are incapable of seeing it differently, it was more so about them deciding if they want to be kind or abusive to someone. Eventually you will realize they can’t change and that’s why you have to leave. Which is annoying to have to go through all that mental damage as a kid only to figure that out years later.
Yea I know that, but friends can also cause trauma. In my situation this guy was my friend. Was explaining the difference in example of someone forgiving your average friend who did something mild or forgiving an abusive friend or person who did something horrible and you could never forget or take that experience away.
Ah I see, well, I could also be wrong but I have yet to know
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I get it now and yes I agree. I was married for almost 18yrs to an abusive man (I use the term “man” loosely).
Yeah, that’s what I meant too.
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I have seen it happen many times. I can’t say that every bad deed gets punished. But what happens when a bad person decides to become good? It gets complicated. Regardless of who does or does not get punished, hanging on to increasing amounts of anger is, in a sense punishing yourself for the wrongdoing of others. Anger is stressful, and it can potentially impair judgment.
When it comes to evil people, who present evidence that they are not likely to change, “forgiveness” should only be in the form of not letting them prey upon your mind, occupy your thoughts, or hurt you again. Forgiveness does not mean returning to a state of vulnerability.
Even people who are pretty much okay, but occasionally are rude or thoughtless, can be forgiven, while at the same time asserting your requirement that they respect you. Forgiveness isn’t just a warm and fuzzy, wishy-washy thing. It’s a demonstration of strength. Sometimes, the most forgiving and compassionate thing you can do is to not let someone get away with shit.
My goal with forgiveness is to focus on preventing further injury and promoting healing. It may involve taking action against one person in order to protect another. I have no problem forgiving an evil person once they have been neutralized and can no longer cause harm. In that case, forgiveness removes the emotional connection to that person, along with its associated pain.
How does that happen?
My experience at the psych hospital was separate from my hospice time. I did home health hospice care, which meant providing comfort measures, medication management, and coordinating care with the doctors. We do have an inpatient hospice facility, and volunteers spend time with the patients, talking to them, reading to them, or sometimes just being there with them. Volunteers also go to patient’s homes and do the same things, but often by staying with the patient, the caregiver can go out and do some shopping or take care of business.
It was a very intense emotional experience, but after attending a death, I felt as though the Universe was giving me a cosmic hug.
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