Thank you both for the kind repsonses, as well as everyone else who took time out of their day to give their idea on things. The drawing is nice, I see you draw on stream alot and it’s always nice to watch.
It’s hard to open up about stuff like this, because it can change what people think of me. I’ve found just being stuck around people like this other people avoid you because they think you’re lying or you’re too crazy. So it was always easier talking to adults. But even for some of those it was too much for them. I also don’t like talking about it because it brings up my fears again. Although for now I am working on desensitizing myself again, running into these people brings up alot of bad memories and fears.
I don’t exactly know if I have a victim mentality, I’d like to know if that is true. Sometimes I question if my emotions are just an overreaction or if I’m reacting how a normal person should because my fear overtakes me and I wonder if I’m crazy or a normal person would be this afraid. Being around them for so many years you kinda don’t know what’s normal anymore either so when you’re around normal people it’s refreshing, yet, short-lived. I question a bit if I should have talked about this, I question the point and the worth. But that may just be me questioning my value again. I’m questioning alot right now. Is being vulnerable bad? Is there a way to control it? When I block my emotions I’m no longer me, but I’m also more prone to danger, because I’m not fearing anything and I don’t see a point in caring. But if I let my emotions in, I’m always afraid, because I realize everything from all these years and it all comes crashing in at once. And sometimes I can’t control blocking or letting in my emotions. These days it’s harder and harder to make that choice. Sometimes I’m happy, but it’s only when I feel safe, and alone. I don’t understand if I’m overthinking it or not, I don’t know if this is trauma or ptsd or just stupid memories I’m making a big deal out of, but when I look back to those horrible people, I know the first thing they’d say to me after they did something fucked up, “You’re overreacting, it’s not a big deal, calm the fuck down.” And so I would. I would never open up about this to anyone. It’d be way too much of a burden on them. Or they’d just blame me.
The more I think about it, maybe they targeted me because I had no one. They knew I was just a dumb lonely kid with no friends and didnt know what it was like to be around people at all. So they knew they could manipulate my way of thinking way easier. I also beleive this because that mans next victim was someone just like me, it was honestly unnerving how alike we were. And no I couldn’t help them, because they were not completley like me, they were also pretty fucked up in the head and also hurt me. It honestly was almost as if they were mocking me.
When you’re always alone you’re also vulnerable. And it also makes you codependent, because when you do get someone in your life, you don’t want them to leave. You don’t want to be alone again. But you don’t want bad things to happen again, so when you’re confronted with a new possible connection, you get used to detaching yourself from relationships more and more, and eventually learn to not try and connect with them at all. And when you want to connect with them even more, you do the opposite and avoid more so because you know it’s not worth the risk. You think about what it would have been like to choose that route and become their friend, but that’s all you do. You’re not allowed to get close, ever.
Idk, maybe I am becoming too sensitive, or maybe I’m becoming normal? I was used to being hated because I thought bluntness was the most genuine interaction someone could ever have with you, so I was content, but then I learned there are people out there that actually treat you with kindness and mean it, and they actually like being around you. And I learned I wasn’t just able to be hated, so I didn’t want to be hated anymore. But I also fear it, it’s scary being around nice people sometimes. It’s scary being around people at all. You never know if they are faking their kindness. Plus people never trust eachother, so why trust them back?
I don’t… Understand emotions… Is it dumb to open up about this? Should I not talk so much about myself? Idk… But that’s what this place is for, but is that selfish?
With how people become this way, I have no clue other than what you listed, there’s probably many reasons but the best thing I could say is people are becoming stupid. Other than that I don’t even want to think about it. The last thing I can share with you is my fear that this crazy shit is becoming more and more “normal” to people. It’s the whole reason I was sourrounded by so many of them. There was an infestation of crazy people like this in my school. you didn’t even have to talk to them and they’d make it their mission to be around you. I don’t know exactly why people are becoming more and more insane, but as each new generation is made, I feel those people will be even worse. I think I was the only person who saw this, and the only other person who probably noticed, was paranoid of me. I don’t blame them though, you have to make yourself seem scary to get people to stop fucking with you. But it only made the more normal people leave me alone.
I really don’t even want to think about these people anymore and I’m not even talking about just the zoophiles. Whether they get themselves into trouble or not one day, I really just, I’m so tired of thinking about why these people could be this way. I hate talking about all of this, but it’s important. I’ve studied them, and the only thing I’ve learned is how to spot them, where you usually spot them, the types that exist, what else interests them etc. I’ve studied enough that I know how to locate and lure creeps in now if I ever wanted to, and that’s not a fun thing to know. I could probably help get them arrested that way. With my bad luck they will literally walk into my life willingly and tell me every messed up thing they’ve ever done. Why? Idfk. I really need to learn to keep a voice recorder on me at all times. But alot of them did have traumas. The one thing I remember all of them seeing in me though, that made them swarm me, was that I was “Innocent”, “Sweet”, and “Lonley”. And… I don’t want to have to let go of my innocent and wholesome energy around people just to get rid of a bunch of crazies. Plus even if I did, a different swarm of crazies liked the other side of me and that side is not comfortable. Being wholesome is who I am when I’m happy and comfortable being myself, it’s how I want to be. So. I have to avoid people.
I’m sorry this last bit got so negative, and sorry this is so long. I really hate talking about that last part, I really isn’t nice to acknowledge what I know. The more I delved into it though I realized there was more to it that hit me. Like how it’s affected me. For now though, I… Need to stop talking so much.
