I just want out

[Hiraeth]

Well, I’m back. I was doing well for a little while there but I’m not doing so great now. If you’re wondering, I don’t have a therapist. I know I need one. I know I need to be medicated. But some silly part of me doesn’t want to be medicated, like in the back of my mind, I have this small hope that if I could just change my life from what it is now, then maybe I won’t need to be medicated.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to live this life anymore. I don’t see myself ever actually committing suicide, but I find myself hoping every night when I go to sleep that I don’t wake up the next day. There is so much rattling inside my brain all the time, day and night. I have flashbacks and nightmares from past trauma. I’m in a marriage with someone who has proven time, and time again, that they are never going to change, or grow up, or even have the same goals as me, or any goals at all for that matter. For 10 years, I’ve asked him to get a better paying job, rather than minimum wage. For 10 years, I’ve asked him to switch to dayshift so we can at least be on the same schedule. But for 10 long years, my request has been denied, ignored, and I’ve slept alone for the entirety of our marriage. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my nightmares, with no end in sight.

I had dreams in my life once. I always thought that I would have a farm, because I love animals, especially horses. I had hoped that I would one day own a horse or two, maybe more! I always thought that maybe I could give riding lessons to those that share my love for horses. But those days are long gone, with no money to even afford rent, we have no savings to be able to buy a piece of property. So I said goodbye to that dream.

I love to travel and see the world. I love my camera and photography as a hobby. I found my love for photography through my anxiety and my overwhelming depression. Any time I’m feeling these things I go to nature to feel at peace and to be healed. But it’s only a temporary fix, because once I walk through that door, everything comes crashing down again. More often than not lately I find myself broke, unable to afford to travel, alone without a companion to travel with, and now it’s winter and unfortunately, it’s too cold for me to be outside. I don’t do well with the cold and it’s not enjoyable for me anymore now that it’s in the 20s and below. Without my release, and without any change in sight or light at the end of the tunnel, I trudge through my days just praying for death.

I make the majority of the money in our household. My husband doesn’t seem to care that most of the bills are my responsibility, and most of my money goes to the bills and groceries. It’s like he doesn’t even care that I am stressed, struggling financially, or anything of the sort. It’s like he doesn’t care at all. He spends the majority of his days playing video games, even when he is working. I 100% believe that the only reason that he has not switched jobs is because he is addicted to video games - who is going to give up a job that they can literally sit and play video games all night long and get paid for it?

My job? I fucking hate it. I’m not helping people. I’m not passionate about what I do. All I do is make money for a big corporation and I don’t see a penny of it. They haven’t given out raises or a decent bonus in all of the years that I’ve been there. And when Covid happened, and the supply chain shortages happened, the job went from mundane to absolute fucking hell. How am I supposed to deal with all of this stress? Not only do I have a husband who is not pulling his weight whatsoever, who I don’t even have a relationship with anymore, and then do a job where I literally get bitched out all day long because of the supply chain shortage issues.

To put it simply, I hate my life. I hate the life that I have created for myself. I feel like I was hindered by my trauma, and while running from my past, I took refuge in a hovel with the only human that had shown me any decency whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship used to be OK, but the issues that I’ve stated here have been present the entire time, and they have eroded and absolutely obliterated any sense of the word “OK.” We are not ok. I’ve tried to communicate so many times. But my words go unheard. The last time we had this discussion, it ended up a fight and it is probably the last time that I will ever bring it up again. Because quite simply, I’ve given up trying. If he is not going to listen, or try, neither am I.

I know what I need. I need to get a divorce. I need to switch jobs. I need a therapist, that’s not gonna cost me an arm and a leg when I can’t even pay my own goddamn bills to begin with. I’m $5000 in debt right now and I don’t know if I can ever get out of it. My only escape is abusing edibles and alcohol. And lately I can’t even function because I just want to be high.

I called off work today because I couldn’t deal with another fucking day of misery. And who knows, I might even call off tomorrow too.

I’m spiraling. I know that I’m only hurting myself. But at this point, I don’t even care. What’s a little more debt? What’s a little more alcohol? Why even bother eating? When your life has been nothing but a painful, stagnant nightmare, what’s the fucking point of living.

[ManekiNeko]

@Hiraeth

If you’re wondering, I don’t have a therapist. I know I need one. I know I need to be medicated. But some silly part of me doesn’t want to be medicated, like in the back of my mind, I have this small hope that if I could just change my life from what it is now, then maybe I won’t need to be medicated.

Firstly welcome back! I’m glad you decided to reach out. You’ve acknowledged you need some help, and that’s a great step. It’s of course all in your time, friend. As far as medication, of course I cannot advise you directly about it, but it could be something that once you do talk to someone that might ease your concerns. Some people are on it short term, some long term and some not at all, but I think it’s good to talk to a professional about that because medication isn’t always the first choice.

@Hiraeth

I don’t see myself ever actually committing suicide, but I find myself hoping every night when I go to sleep that I don’t wake up the next day.

I empathise deeply with this feeling. I’ve had those long months of crying myself to sleep and wishing I would just sleep and that would be it.
It can’t help the situation if things have been hard in your marriage. I’m sure there’s a lot of frustration and probably at some stage apathy.
Has he communicated to you his reasoning for no change of job or not going on the same schedule as you? Does he know how you’re feeling, or if you’ve tried to tell him, how does he react?
Maybe having a couples session with a therapist could be helpful. And I understand you’ve already stated that you’re aware of needing to see one, so I don’t want to hammer on the subject too much.

@Hiraeth

I love to travel and see the world. I love my camera and photography as a hobby. I found my love for photography through my anxiety and my overwhelming depression. Any time I’m feeling these things I go to nature to feel at peace and to be healed. But it’s only a temporary fix, because once I walk through that door, everything comes crashing down again. More often than not lately I find myself broke, unable to afford to travel, alone without a companion to travel with,

I’m actually so so glad to hear that you have this passion. Of course it’s a temporary fix, but it’s still something that has helped ground and centre you. Is there a lot of nature around where you live or do you live in a busier or city type area? I do admit that moving back to rural area was something. I thought I didn’t want, but now can fully appreciate how it’s helped my mental health. And maybe all these things need to be said to your husband, of course I’m not assuming you haven’t tried, just that he needs to understand what you’re going through right now and what things could help you at this moment.

@Hiraeth

He spends the majority of his days playing video games, even when he is working. I 100% believe that the only reason that he has not switched jobs is because he is addicted to video games - who is going to give up a job that they can literally sit and play video games all night long and get paid for it?

Video games in themselves are a bad hobby to have, but when they start to become addictive and come between relationships and dictate your work hours ect, it’s tricky. So part of his job is to play video games? He’s probably very happy he gets to do something he loves and get paid for it, but hasn’t realised the implications it’s having on you and your relationship. Does he take breaks? Go out and exercise or walk or anything or is it just fully immersed in the game? What’s his actual working hours like? Sounds like he needs to give himself some boundaries perhaps, like between these set hours he’s working, and when he’s not he needs to switch it all off and spend time in the world around him and with you. It’s a big conversation he needs to hear. You deserve to be heard, and while he enjoys his game time and work, he needs to be aware of the pressure it’s putting on you. Not just mentally but financially.

@Hiraeth

They haven’t given out raises or a decent bonus in all of the years that I’ve been there. And when Covid happened, and the supply chain shortages happened, the job went from mundane to absolute fucking hell. How am I supposed to deal with all of this stress? Not only do I have a husband who is not pulling his weight whatsoever, who I don’t even have a relationship with anymore, and then do a job where I literally get bitched out all day long because of the supply chain shortage issues.

Does this company have a union? Sometimes we give and give and give of ourselves and we realise that some work places are happy to allow us to do that. I know it’s probably not realistic for you to cut back since you’ve stated that you’re stressed about finances, but I know for myself saying no and leaving on time has been something my mental health has really needed. I was doing all the doubles, picking up shifts ect, and then I stopped and thought… why? Why am I killing myself here? If I ran myself into the ground, they’d just find someone else to do it. It takes a team to keep a place running. And as for the rudeness of people… ahhh I could seriously throw a fit the way people treat people in hospitality and retail. It’s never okay. People have such a huge sense of entitlement.

@Hiraeth

We are not ok. I’ve tried to communicate so many times. But my words go unheard. The last time we had this discussion, it ended up a fight and it is probably the last time that I will ever bring it up again. Because quite simply, I’ve given up trying. If he is not going to listen, or try, neither am I.

Well that answers my previous question about talking to him. Which is why I think a couples therapist session would hopefully be helpful. Sometimes that mediation and other person brings a different insight. We can get complacent to the needs of the people we spend so much time with, and sometimes someone else saying “no, actually, you’re going about this wrong and you actually do need to listen” snaps them out of it.
This isn’t something you created for yourself. You would have never had the intention of this, please be kind to yourself. It takes two people in a relationship so there’s a shared dynamic. You’ve tried to communicate and it wasn’t heard and met with the response and action you needed. That is not your fault.

@Hiraeth

I’m spiraling. I know that I’m only hurting myself. But at this point, I don’t even care. What’s a little more debt? What’s a little more alcohol? Why even bother eating? When your life has been nothing but a painful, stagnant nightmare, what’s the fucking point of living.

I’m not fully sure how different places handle debt and the resources that are available, and I’m hoping someone else here might be able to share some with you. What I do know is that this place you’re in now isn’t meant to be your home. It’s not the vision you fully had for yourself, and it’s a horrible place to be in. You still have dreams and aspirations and passions, you are fully allowed to have those and strive for them. I do hope you reach out to find the help you deserve. Because you do deserve it. Your worth every effort and help there is to give. We care. X

[Wings]

@Hiraeth

I have this small hope that if I could just change my life from what it is now, then maybe I won’t need to be medicated.

That may be true, but it sounds like you may need medication in order to find the emotional balance necessary in order for you to make changes.

@Hiraeth

I’m in a marriage with someone who has proven time, and time again, that they are never going to change, or grow up,

Been there, done that for 18 years. I came to the realization that my mental health would not survive without making a change. It sounds like he is “coasting,” and feels no need to change as long as he can continue to exist in his comfortable rut. If there is any hope for a change in your relationship, it will be as a result of him not being able to continue in his current rut.

If you make most of the money, he needs you more than you need him. What do you think might happen if you were to separate from him for a month? Sometimes couples need to be apart for a while in order to reawaken appreciation and willingness to nurture each other.

It sounds like you are surrounded by reasons to be unhappy. If you can find a way to make at least one circumstance more tolerable, perhaps the rest of them will be a little less painful.

I think it helps to have a plan, even if it takes a long time for it to be accomplished. I know your money is tight, but if you can manage to squirrel away a few dollars from each check, eventually, you will have enough to get away for a while, or if it seems right, to start a new life.

Your husband is like a lot of guys, seeing no reason to grow up until he faces the loss of a good person like you. After that happens, he may end up being a decent mate for someone else. Still, he might wake up before he has to lose you. You might as well be open to that possibility.

I hope you can find a better employment situation. Just like in a relationship, employers don’t often appreciate good employees until they’re gone.

I’m kind of afraid to tell you how frighteningly down and depressed I was before I decided to get a divorce. Then I was an emotional wreck for months after. I swore I would never be in another relationship. A a few years later, I met my current wife. We’ve been very happy together for the past 30 years.

There was a time when I saw no possible way that my life could change. Then it did.