I have been struggling with depression for about 5 months at this point. It has been a journey filled with ups and downs. As a singer, performance is a part of who I am. But depression has made it very difficult to perform as of late…the closest thing to it was a recorded recital for my degree. I recently graduated with my BA in Commercial Performance. This week has been a mess…my mood tanked hard. And to make matters worse…I can’t bring myself to take the meds my psych gave me (12.5 mg of Luvox. I had bad experiences with Zoloft and Lexapro when I had really bad anxiety about 2 years ago). I am already of Buspar so…I am really concerned about SS. I don’t know what to do anymore…I just want to be happy. Not just some of the time. I want to go back to the days where I didn’t have a care in the world…I just want to lead worship and perform again…and get my MM in Music Ed…I just want to be me again…
Hey friend,
Welcome to Heartsupport! I’m really glad you found this community and felt comfortable enough to share what you’re dealing with. There’s a lot of us here who have a lot of experience dealing with this things and want you to know that you’re not along and that we’re here to hear you.
I’m not sure how much you researched about HS before coming to this forum, but this organization was founded by the lead singer of the band, August Burns Red. He realized that his and the band’s performance helped a lot of people deal with depression, anxiety, SS, and so on. in a sense, he felt like he was called to build a community to bring support to the broader community. I’ll continue this later.
Depression can be a true life force drainer that makes doing even the things we’re most passionate about taxing, and burdensome. Even painful.
When you’re expected to perform not only on the stage, but also the classroom, it can compound the negative feedback we go thorugh, making it feel impossible to even enjoy the simple things or even do the simple things. Like getting out of bed, keeping up on our hygiene, etc.
For years I struggled with depression and axiety. I still do to a degree, but it’s been much more managable and occurs much less freuquently.
Firstly, it’s extremely important to have this kind of conversation in detail with your mental healthcare provider, and if you don’t already have one, to speak to your therapists about a lot of these things. If you haven’t already taken this route or something similar, it’s common for colleges and universities to provide either free or very cheap mental health resources for students.
That said, I wanted to share some of thing really important things I learned about my depression and anxiety that I hope can give you a different perspective on things. A proverbial lantern in the dark.
Don’t chase happiness.
I hear you when you say that you just want to be happy. I’ve said the exact same thing. A lot. However, don’t pursue happiness. Don’t chase it. Purue purpose, pursue fulfillment, pursue being in service to others. happiness is an effect to a cause.
Understand what the cause of your depression and axiety is.
A lot of people, including health care professionals, treat depression and anxiety as cause. However, it is an effect of another cause. Sometimes it can be purely neurochemical due to imbalances, but often times it’s not treated properly in the sense of discovering and understanding that cause. It can sometimes be painful to discover the cause(s), however, it enables you to work through what ever that may be so as to give you the mental fortidude to thrive despite that cause. Often, if you do this you can “transmute” that cause into a positive one.
In a different sense of understanding anxiety is that it exists as something positive. A part of our evolutionary development to keep us alive in the presence of a threat. It activates our fight, flight, or hide response. In the ancient plains humans once roamed, this helped us survive. The thing is, is that today our fight, or hide response is continuelly activated, tricking our brain into survival mode. Too much for too long can have detrimental effects on our mental and physical health. It’s imortant to hunt down that proverbeal monster and conquer it. To be the master of your own mind, to rule your enviornment.
If you work with a therapist through these kind of things they will have a tremendous portfolio of tools to help acheive this kind of levity and increase your quality of life, hopefully bringing back that passion for performance that keeps that inner flame light… the flame that lights others’.
Lastly, as a performer it’s even trickier because the best peformances, no matter if it’s spoken word, song and dace, or acting, is an expression of emotion. To convey information that human language can’t exactly put into words that make sense. In fact, I’d argue that the best performances are the emotional ones. That share a human story. Those that we feel in our gut and raise the hairs on the back of our neck.
If you’re familiar with Avatar the last air bender, it’s like bending your emotions and directing them to something positive and something constructive.
I know this was long, but I really do hope this helps.
Again, welcome to the family. Stay strong, I believe in you.
Welcome, Lancer_The_Wolf! I’m so glad that you were able to find this space to share your difficulties. It is difficult to open up, but we are here to listen and encourage.
Depression is a debilitating condition. You can still have your ups and downs, but depression makes the ups not as enjoyable and the downs so much worse. It makes it difficult to the things you want to do like performing. I’m glad that you are working with professionals to treat your depression, but it can be scary to add a new medication when you’re concerned about side effects. It’s no wonder that you want to go back in time when you didn’t have to worry about the medications and just be yourself. Things seemed much simpler then, and it was easier to do the things you enjoy. Depression is a thief of joy, and it can difficult to stop it from taking more from you than it already has.
Seeing that you’re concerned about the new medication, it is important to discuss your concerns with your psychiatrist so that you can have strategies to combat SS. For me, when I started my current medication, one of the side effects that worried me was appetite suppression because I was already skipping meals because I just didn’t want to put the effort to prepare food. Some of the strategies to make sure I get the nutrition I need were to schedule times for meals, having snacks available, and keeping track of my weight. I know that the strategies you need will be different, but your psychiatrist knows what to expect, what to look out for, and what to do with SS.
I hope that your depression doesn’t continue keeping you from performing. One thing I know is that the greatest pieces of art came from those that struggled the most. I dance lindy hop, the OG swing dance from the 30’s which was created by Black dancers in Harlem. Black dancers and Black musicians went through such hardships because of the culture at the time, but they were able to channel their sorrows and frustrations through their art. Artists like Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, Mary Lou Williams, and others created some of America’s greatest performances. They inspired future generations in using their talents in ways that they wouldn’t be able to if they hadn’t had their experiences. The same goes for you. You will have performances that will use your past experiences in creating art that inspires others. You will use your talents to touch others in ways that no one else can.
There is hope to be found in working through this depression.
I believe in you.
Hold Fast.