I keep fantasizing about sh

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Hello everyone, just here to ask a question or seek out advice!!

I’ve been clean for around 6 months now, and ive been fantasizing about it again, but I genuinely cant tell if i want to relapse or not. i think of selfharm and wish i could do it like how someone smokes cigarettes, some places offer smoke breaks because of how normal nicotine addiction is, but people dont treat it the same way as selfharm (which is understandable) but i sorta wish it was? like if it just isnt a big deal and i could cut whenever i want just how someone steps outside and lights a cigarette, maybe whenever they crave it, but maybe 15 times a day. either way i wish i could have sh like that instead of it being a big deal, like it signifies that im actively not doing well, and i wouldnt hurt myself if i was well.

when I do it, it feels exactly how i want it to and also nothing how i want it to. I want all the “good” from it without the bad. Its like I always expect it to turn out different.

Idk how to get over this though, how to clock myself and realize it wont be like how i want, itll never be how i want. I also have no clue why i feel like this or what to call it? Am i aestheticizing my own sh even though i know the reality?? I have no clue. its sort of a new struggle as well. Ive never been one to casually selfharm, i go months or years and then relapse and cold turkey it again after a little while. I wish it was different, like a habit rather than addiction.

I also hear that you should try to recognize why you’re having urges, but i genuinely dont know. I see a pattern in my relapses but all of it is emotional, i dont know how to just find the reason and fix it, yk?

I just feel so tired recently, that mental fatigue where you dont want to get out of bed or move or speak? everything takes so much energy irl. its so much easier to just type, like i can express every positive thing im feeling without having to emote physically or pitch my voice a certain way, if my friend says something funny i can express that it was funny without actually having to change my face or pretend yk?? its so much easier to exist if im not acting out how i feel all of the time.

anyways that rambly bit’s not really relevant! thx for reading this if u made it down this far, appreciate it so much bye bye <3

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hey spencer,

thank you for being here and opening up about your experiences with self-harm and thoughts of relapsing. i want to start by celebrating your 6 months being clean - that is a huge accomplishment that no doubt took so much hard work. through those 6 months, it’s understandable how thoughts of relapse can peek its head back in a bit especially when you lost the immediate memory of the feeling. are there other forms of focusing on sensations like holding ice, listening to loud music, creative venting, among other grounding techniques?

i’m proud of you for noticing trends in your exhaustion, mentally and physically. just thinking while i type here but i wonder if the need for relapse could be connected? i totally hear ya on the ease of written communication since there’s no requirement for verbal or physical emotions to express. i’m cheering you on to find the root cause and possible solutions to this exhaustion because it sounds hard on you. you deserve only the best this world has to offer so please continue to care for yourself and moving forward on your path. i believe in you. hope to hear from you again soon!!

love,
twix

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Hallo Spencer, I am so grateful for your post and to be able to read the way you articulate and express yourself.
Honestly you have an awareness about you that is incredible and you should be very proud of yourself for this.
Your awareness comes with the knowledge that wanting or even needing the release is an emotional response, and you’re aware that SH is a form of addiction. The way you explain it, it does make sense how people self medicate and what is accepted by society, but I also do not wish for people to seek escape in things that harm their bodies.

I think it is a very understandable response that your body feels unenergetic and fatigued. Our bodies exert physical exhaustion to respond to emotional stimuli, so when people think that people who struggle with mental health are lazy or just need to get out and be active, it’s not that easy or simple, and this is why it’s okay to need to rest your body. It’s okay to not feel like you can make a big response to a joke or verbalise what’s going on.

It really sounds like you deserve a moment of self care and peace from the surrounding pressure.
I also want to acknowledge how proud of you I am for those moments you have stopped SH, whether it be for days or months, you are a capable human.
I hope so much you can see your growth and also be proud of where you are

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Hey there Spencer!

Thank you for reaching out. We appreciate you.

You are so in touch with your own emotions and I feel that you know yourself very well. You display such introspection that is very rare. I can tell that you are a very bright person.

Sometimes being very self aware can be a double-edged sword. Obviously ignorance can be bliss. But I do think that in your case, it will allow you to overcome these challenges and take you to a great place.

You may not know why you relapse, but you’re taking the steps to find out. And it’s just a matter of time before you figure it out. I truly believe in you.

That mental fatigue can be so brutal. Please take that time for yourself to recharge. Everyone needs it at some point, it just may look different for everyone.

We’re here for you, please stay strong :heart:

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thank u for ur kind words! I learned about this tipp method recently which i do try to carry out, sometimes i feel just a bit too tired to get up and make the effort to get physical stimuli such as ice, but i do have a marker next to my bed now, so i can draw on my arms and stuff!! I do think the urges are just linked to my poor mental health atm, i know its temporary and that itll get better soon.

ty!!

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I think your wording “but I also do not wish for people to seek escape in things that harm their bodies.” really snapped my head back into place. I never really consider it as something that’s physically impacting and injuring my body. makes it a lot more real, i think.

Thank you for the kind words!

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Spence, it’s been wonderful to hear from you again! I have such a soft spot in my heart for you.
I know that you have been working through a lot and I remember you were struggling to connect with the therapist you had been seeing, is this something that’s still on going? As in, do you have support from someone, or are you struggling a bit on your own at the moment?

I’m just really glad that you thought of this space and that you felt safe to share what’s going on.

I just want to echo the thoughts that you deserve to feel extremely proud of yourself for what you have achieved. It is more than understandable to feel emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. It’s a valid feeling, Spence.
All you feel is valid, I have shared those thoughts about being frustrated that some coping mechanisms are seen as ordinary and okay, while others are frowned upon.

I’m happy to hear that recognising that it all can correlate to being seen as a form of harming your body has made sense to you. The reason being that I care about you and the hurt you are feeling.

I’m sorry that I’m the one being rambly! You are a very loved and cared for being. Thank you for being here

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