I keep going in circles with drinking and more addictive things and trying cope with my bipolar disorder and not having any money. I feel like need to leave my life i have but i feel trapped by my fears of starting over. So i just go deeper and deeper into this hole of loneliness and insanity. I want to get better and become the artist i know i can be and leave behind the 20+ years of depression i have. I feel like i need real support but unsure who to trust anymore. @Heartsupportwall
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Hey friend, first and foremost congratulations for having the courage and strength to reach out! That alone in itself is a huge step! The very thought of starting over can automatically induce fear and panic. Many of us that are living in active recovery often do a self inventory on our life. What in our life is working for us? What is working against us? What are things that we do that have a positive effect on our mental health? What things have a negative effect? Then it’s not so much of a start over, but more of recognizing what works for us and what doesn’t, then making modifications to our life to help better ourselves. You’re not alone in this!
@natetriesagain thank you.
@OriginalPoster Joe, it is a sickening cycle to see yourself spiral AROUND the very thing you want most in life. Always within reach but never in hand…it is hard to wake and see yourself in the mirror and believe — this day can be different. You grow callouses on your own perception of yourself, blinding you from the growing doubt and self hatred, trying to hold onto this blissful ignorant perspective of — we can still do this. But every day that passes feels like you’re kidding yourself more and more. Fighting to believe you can change is a daily roller coaster that is nauseating in the end when you see yourself after a relapse, with nothing but escape and shame to show for your day. But still, your true heart fights on. You know you CAN be different, you just know it, damn the evidence, damn the failures…some ember deep in your soul still has hope alive. Bless that part of you man. It is the most true thing about you. I know it is hard to start because — where do you even begin? Who do you tell? Where do you ask for help? It all feels so overwhelming and it is so much easier to just continue as is. But no matter what happens man you have to fight to keep that flame alive. This post was step 1. You did it! You said it. You admitted your struggle. WELL DONE. If you want to take another step, join the heartsupport discord (discord.gg/heartsupport) and ask to join an action group. It is literally about taking your very next step. Fuck perfection. Recovery is always messy. Take this step and see where it goes. Follow that flame, and you’ll see this false self burn down and the true you emerge. It is in there, and you can free him. It is worth the pain to be born again. Fight for the light. You CAN do this.