I don’t know what is happening to me lately. I feel like I’m about to cry all the time. I’m just not happy, but also stuck in the sense that I don’t know how to change to make myself happy. Hopefully I find it along the way as I write this…
I’m in a rut again - a cycle. Drinking because I’m hating my job, hating where I live, hating myself and the way I look, hating that I’m dependent on substances, hating the fact that I can’t communicate with my husband and I’m hating the fact that I want to change things but can’t seem to make a change.
Lets start with the first thing I listed…
#1, My job is stressful. Its mentally exhausting. None of our programs work the way they should, and despite our complaints and customer complaints, no one is working on how to make things work properly or better, so it makes our jobs harder and busier than they’ve ever been before. I was just made a lead last year, and the pay was a significant bump but in my eyes, its not worth the stress that I feel. Literally by the end of the day, I am numb, silent and just sit on the couch like a useless sack of potatoes. I’m so stressed out by the end of the day that I don’t want to do anything, say anything, but my mind is still going a million miles an hour so I turn to substances to ease my mind. I could just quit my job - but where would I go? What would I do? I don’t have a degree, don’t really have any talents or passions that are realistic where I could make a living out of them… I feel a lot of pressure to keep this job because for one, its the best paying job I’ve ever had and I get to work from home permanently - and to be honest, the job itself did not used to be this bad - its just gotten really terrible recently with our programs being utter shit, and the fact that we’re dealing with angry people all day due to supply chain shortages. The other reason I feel pressured to stay is because my husband doesn’t make a lot of money but is unwilling to make a change it seems. He works nights for shit pay and I’m always alone, and now will always be the “breadwinner.” Believe me, we’ve talked about this issue many times… I’ve lost count and I’ve lost every single battle about it. So I’ve given up on him ever changing jobs.
#2, I hate where I live.
I absolutely fucking despise it. Its the place that I ran to to get away from my previous relationship and I haven’t left since. For years I’ve been here, sitting in the same goddamn rooms, in this tiny ass apartment that isn’t big enough for us to have a life here. I barely have enough room to store my cookware, much less to have a place to work from home or even dig into my many crafts and hobbies. Its the cheapest place around here and we still struggle to live/pay rent. Rent has just skyrocketed and there doesn’t seem to be any plateau in sight. No matter what kind of money I’m making now, its not enough to live comfortably. I’ve looked endlessly for another place, an apartment or a house to rent/buy but we just don’t make enough money together to make that change, though I want it more than anything in the world. I’ve always dreamed of a little house on a piece of land where I can spend my days in the barn, caring for a horse or two. Raise a garden and some chickens. Have my very own little homestead where I can feel at peace, away from people, no neighbors, a little slice of heaven just for me. But that dream is almost dead. It seems so far out of reach that I’ve all but given up.
#3, I hate myself.
I think this stems from my previous relationship. Being hated, abused and told that you’re ugly and fat all the time really does a number on a person. I still can’t have my photo taken without cringing or picking out what I hate about my face or my pose or my weight etc. I can’t even take a compliment without thinking that they’re lying. I don’t believe what anyone says - I still just believe what I was told all those years ago.
#4 I hate myself when I’m sober.
But when I’m drunk or high, I’m on cloud 9. I like myself a lot more when I’m under the influence of whatever. But I’m addicted to that feeling of feeling okay. My sober self is anxious and scared, and triggered - timid and shy, and silent, afraid to be myself around others constantly worrying what they’ll think or if they’ll judge me if I say something. But drunk/high me is great. I laugh and sing and dance, carefree and in love with myself. But I always come down from that high the morning after and regret drinking or getting high again. And the anxiety creeps back in and settles in the pit of my stomach until night when I can drink again. Its so stupid that I do this - I was raised in a household that literally did this exact same thing. My stepdad would always get through the day sober, and get crazy drunk every single night. And here I am continuing the damn cycle.
#5 I can’t communicate.
I can’t say what I feel or what I’m thinking. I either clam up and don’t say anything at all, or I get choked up and cry so hard that I can’t even make coherent sentences. But neither of those are effectively communicating what I so badly need to say. Here lately I’ve felt such distance between my husband and I. Since I’m in my own cycle, he seems to be in his own now. We hardly talk anymore, and sometimes I wonder what he really thinks of my drinking habits. Though he does encourage me to take edibles with him most nights. But the problem that I’m really having lately is the lack of attention he shows me now. It’s just very recent and I’m not sure what’s going on with him, but he seems to just sit in front of his computer, playing video games with his friend online, and even though we’re sitting right next to each other, we barely speak. And when he does speak, it’s about his games. We don’t have meaningful conversations here lately, like we used to. Any time I try to steer a conversation towards our goals, or what we should do that weekend, or where would HE like to move to, or where would he work if we did move somewhere else… But he doesn’t seem to have any real goals or wants or needs. Its so bizarre to me that he says that he’s comfortable right here as long as he’s with me. And as sweet as that might sound, I still want him to have goals and to try to achieve something or be a bit more of a go-getter… Maybe that’s wrong of me, and if so, please let me know. But it really bothers me that he doesn’t have any of his own ideas of what he wants our life to be like.
I feel so ignored when he’s in front of those games. I feel so far away from him even though technically we’re sitting within a foot of each other. I’ve told him about how I feel and yet he doesn’t really take me seriously. He just says “i’m right here, what do you want to talk about?” and at that point I just shut down.
Intimacy has been put on hold because it seems like every other time we do get intimate, I have an episode and have to take a breather to calm down. Maybe he’s just given up on me entirely… Maybe I’m not worth talking to or even worth having a marriage with. I know I’m screwed up, so I get why he could feel that way. But I won’t know for sure if he really does feel this way, because he won’t talk to me.
#6 Hate the fact that I can’t make a change to better my life. I’ve thought about pouring all of my alcohol down the drain. But I can’t do it. I could just up and quit my job find another one, move out of state where I can be happy, buy a little farm and live happily ever after, but I have no idea how to do that, nor do I have the means to do that…
I just feel so stuck and I can’t figure out how to change. The tasks just seem so daunting. Not only is the housing market completely insane right now, but we also don’t have any savings to put down as a downpayment. Rent is horrible everywhere I’ve looked. And I could just suck it up and keep this job, so I still have the pay coming in and then try to move to a bigger place instead so I could at least have an office, but I’m just so worried about not having enough money if we do that. Seriously we would barely be scraping by if we were to move to a 2 bedroom. Rent is ridiculous. I hate that there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight or any light at the end of the tunnel so I just feel like I’m never going to be able to better my life as long as it continues this way. I really don’t know how people live nowadays. If my husband could find a better job with better pay and better hours I think it would do us some good and some options could open up for us, but it just seems like nothing is ever going to change. Is this really my life? This is not how I thought my life would end up.