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I know I use anger for protection and it has been scaring me lately. Sometimes I think I may go to far… Also it seems like people don’t take me seriously until I lose my cool. Example, I ask them not to treat me this way, multiple times calmly and nothing changes until I get so fed up and flip out… This not the person I want to be, and know that nobody likes that kind of person,. I think should should set clear boundaries about how I want to be treated and if they don’t respect that then probably don’t respect me or really care one way or the other so I think I should just drop those people right away instead of waiting for them to get me so upset that I lose my cool and then I become the bad guy when they were the ones upsetting me not respecting my do ctors. Still very hard when I get in these situations I still get angry but sooner or later I reflect on what happened and realize I could have handled it better.
It sounds like you are a very approachable person, and others are inclined to take advantage of your good nature.
Have you watched family dynamics where a parent will warn a child only for that child to ignore them, then warn that child again a bit louder, and the child continues to ignore. The process repeats a few more times until finally the parent freaks out and roars. Then the child calmly decides that it’s time to pay attention?
It’s not unusual for the family pet to behave very much like that child.
What has happened is that the parent has trained the child to ignore instructions until they are screamed at him.
Similarly in your case, people have been “trained” to pay no attention to you until you lose your cool. If this has been an ongoing thing between you and those around you for a while, it’s probably only fair to warn them that you will be handling their “offenses” differently, and after calmly asking, if you are ignored, you will take action to prevent a recurrence of that particular behavior. I think in most cases that means having nothing else to do with the offender, at least until they apologize and behave differently.
Another way that works, but I wouldn’t recommend, is to skip the calm asking and go directly to yelling. My ex-wife was pretty good at that. That approach doesn’t work very well in the workplace unless you are a tyrannical boss.
Losing your cool is not good for your body or your mind. It seems unavoidable at times, but it can be pretty rare once you “train” people to respect you without the yelling.
Yes, it’s really hard when someone has a way to get under your sking. Especially if at first the issue was initiated on their end, making you the victim of their behavior/disrespect. It becomes a vicious cycle of triggers and reactions. You react, then you become the bad person to the people you’re interacting with. Then the initial issue is forgotten and overwhadowed by how you responded. Which only increases this feeling of injustice within… the situation is reversed, you feel trapped, and it creates even more frustration.
There is something very wrong in what you expressed here: to define boundaries with people, and identify whether or not a healthy relationship is possible with them. It’s hreally hard to navigate at first the implementation of relational boundaries, but it is very helpful to give YOU space and peace of mind. You absolutely deserve to cultivate relationships that bring the best out of you, and not ones that would constantly trigger more vulnerable parts of your heart. Relationships are made of two people after all, and it’s really fair to try to distinguish what belongs to you from what belongs to the other person. Oftentimes, when we react to situations rather than respond, it is because we care very much - sometimes too much, to the point of forgetting that there are things that are not our responsibiliy. At the end of the day, what matters is that you are okay with who you are and the way you’ve handled or communicated things. It’s very humbling to see that you acknowledge this work in progress, and that you already name some of the things you could consider to improve the situation. You got this, friend. I believe in you.