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Belongs to: Therapist want to be Happy. By NF
I know that exact feeling. Having MH issues for most of my life i havent a clue how to be Happy, its not normal for me.
I enjoy being happy but i also know that when i am its not right and i somehow feel bad for feeling happy. Puts me straight back into my MH
Damn, this is so very relatable to me personally. This sensation that happiness really is a vague concept on the paper, and once you do feel happiness it just seems profoundly odd and uncomfortable. Like it simply doesn’t feel right. It shouldn’t belong there or you don’t belong in this emotional state. It’s almost as if you were given candies and you know you are expected to like the taste because you see everyone around liking it, but to you it just feels odd and uncomfortable, somehow undeserved.
To be honest, I think it truly makes sense to feel the way you do, especially if you’ve been struggling with your mental health for a significant time, and especially if that was the case as you grew up. Somehow, what we learn and experience when we are young or through repeated experiences becomes a reference, even if it goes against our own well-being. I personally grew up in an abusive environment, and it’s only now as a grown adult that I truly acknowledge how much happiness, safety and comfort feel unfamiliar and unsafe somehow. It feels like oddities in the midst of my daily life, and I usually try as I can to avoid it or dismiss it as soon as it appears. It sounds strange to put it that way, but what is objectively good and healthy feels bad, and vice versa - what calls me within to sabotage myself feels like home and where I belong.
It’s like the standards that most people experience and describe are just reversed, and it’s certainly challenging to unlearn what’s been learn. To explore how much happiness is a valid experience, and not something to push away from us. It’s challenging to also give yourself grace in this process because none of this would mean that you’d be weird or broken. It’s just a reflection of your story, of what you’ve learned, of how you’ve learned to process emotions. When happiness seems to have been so distant and rare at first, it becomes unfamiliar somehow. It’s a vicious cycle for sure.
Something amazing in your post is that despite this cycle at play, you are AWARE of it. That speaks so much of your personal growth already - how much you are able to put yourself in a place where you can have perspective over the way you feel and over the things you’ve experienced. You are not just living these emotions - you are also seeing them at play and understanding how it effects you. You are both the agent and the observer of these unique experiences.
From there, there is hope to unlearn what’s been learned, and to replace it by a new narrative that will feel right at some point. Little by little, it may be like reversing the weight on a balance. With renewed experiences of happiness from which you’ll have this inner dialogue inside of “this feels wrong!”, to experiencing firsthand that nothing bad happens, that it is not unsafe, and maybe at some point that it feels good too!
@@HeartSupport Thank you for responding to me, wasn’t expecting to receive a response, let alone a one with the amount of thought put into it.
It’s nice to know you understand what I tried to express, even though I wish you never had/have to go through it yourself.
I am 35yrs old, diagnosed with Anxiety n depression from 12yrs old.
Self sabotage is a huge part of my life, I make awesome freinds and lose them due to my own head which is a continuous battle to get over as I struggle when I upset others.
I’ve tried reading books to try and change how I think but I’ve found my MH has really effected my memory and I struggle with focusing on books.
Never ending cycle but I have my Wife, she is the only reason I am still here, I could never end it and know how much I would put her through.