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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to The Tale of Jenny and Screech by Ren
I know that i am doing everything wrong then.
17:15
I was growing up extremely violent. to the point i was in state-care (KJF/Kinderheim für alle Deutschen) from 8 years old, cause my mother couldnt physically hold me back anymore to stop my violent outbursts. i learned to deal with it. I just bury it deep inside of myself cause the ‘care’ i recieved was, generously described, utterly gabrage. Sentences i absolutely cant stand anymore, to the point that they are triggers for violence for me are “Calm down!”, “Be the better man”, “Think of the Consequences”, Just swallow it".
Like, What do you think i am doing basically the entire time?! It takes a monumental amount of stress and little inconvieniences to get me voilent at this point in time. If i was like i was at 10, i would’ve caved your head in a long time ago, so let me have my outburst on my breaking point. The repressed violence HAS to come out at some point.
I know it is not a ‘healthy’ coping mechanism, but at least i dont hurt people anymore but myself when i punch trees and/or Walls. And no, nothing else seems to help. The ‘help’ i was getting as a child, was an absurd amount of sedativa to control me, like 25 pills per day absurd.
Funny side effects, i can eat medications like tic-tacs without it affecting me in any meaningfull way (i was driving a forklift just fine on 64mg morphium [4 pills]), i need half a bottle hard liquoer in under half an hour to feel a buzz, and i am emotionally dead inside except little outbursts of emotions which rarely last more than 2 or 3 minutes (Yes, it killed all empathy i had too).
The only way i can induce emotion inside of myself which isnt rage and anger, is through music.
And Rens songs hit so damn hard for me. I was legit crying at this songs.
Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and I’m really sorry that the “care” you received growing up failed to provide the support and understanding you needed. I can see how hearing phrases like “calm down” and “be the better man” would be incredibly triggering, especially when you’ve been struggling with these emotions for so long.
It’s understandable that, after dealing with violence in your childhood and being heavily medicated, you developed coping mechanisms that don’t always feel healthy but seem to be all that you have. Punching walls or trees to release your repressed anger is one of those ways you’ve found to avoid hurting others, and I recognize the effort you’ve put into managing those emotions.
It makes sense that music would resonate so deeply with you and provide a release for the emotions you rarely feel otherwise. Sometimes, music has a way of breaking through barriers and bringing emotions to the surface, even if it’s just for a short while. It’s meaningful that you’ve found something like Ren’s songs to connect with on such a deep level.
I’m sorry that the support you received as a child was so lacking, and that you’ve been left with these scars. You deserve care and understanding, and I hope you continue to find some solace in music. Even if it’s hard to feel emotions beyond rage and anger, finding these small moments that let you connect with something more gentle can be a step toward healing.
Please be gentle with yourself as you continue on this journey, and remember that your efforts to manage your emotions matter. You’re doing the best you can, and that counts for a lot.