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I know this is long, but please read


#1

I have wanted to post on this forum before and after some events have unfolded today, I think it’s time that I do. I first want to say you probably don’t know who I am, and I wouldn’t blame you. I watch HeartSupoort fairly often and think that what they do is truly inspiring, but I’m an extreme lurker. But I guess I won’t be anymore. So hi, I’m Emily and my life is literally out of control.
So, let me first give some background on everything leading up to today. My parents got divorced about a year ago, which wasn’t an incredibly huge surprise to me, and I decided to live with my mom while my little brother wanted to stay with my dad. My mom and I moved into an apartment not far down the road from where my dad lives so she could still see her son, and everything was pretty okay. Of course it would take some adjusting, but I felt hopeful.
Flashforward to a few months ago where my mom meets a guy online. She’s completely swooning over him, I don’t really have any problems with it and then they decide to meet. He’s from Florida and he took a bus all the way from there to Texas, where we are. Which was harmless enough, he seemed like a decent guy, but that didn’t last very long.
For this, I’m just gonna call him “J”. So J starts to stay with my mom and I for a little while, which wasn’t very expected but my mom didn’t have a problem with it. And after he stays with us for a little while it turns out J has quite the drinking problem. Him and my mom would go out to bars some weekends just because they were still kinda in the “honeymoon” phase and wanted to have fun together. But when out J would get really drunk and when he was drunk he was quite aggressive, he didn’t get physical or anything he was just insanely rude. And get this, when he would get drunk he would sleepwalk, I’m not kidding. He seemed totally coherent and would look you in the eye, but he was completely out of it. And when sleepwalking, he was still really aggressive. One morning, he was sleepwalking and actually tried to leave the apartment and after that incident my mom wanted him gone.
What does J do before he has to leave? He takes my moms car and wants to go visit some friends before he goes, which is understandable. But then he decided to go out drinking with them and my mom was not happy. Then eventually at one point during the night she completely stops hearing from him. He won’t respond to texts or phone calls and my mom starts to go through all types of scenarios that could’ve happened. I stayed up all night with her since she was a nervous wreck. It wasn’t until 7 the next morning that we saw his mugshot on the internet and found out that he had been arrested. She finally gets a call from him from jail and tells my mom that he had wrecked his car, and he got a DWI of course and she was completely livid.
She blocks his calls, gets rid of all of his stuff that was left at our apartment, deal with all the insurance stuff and I think we’ll go about our lives as normal while he stays in jail, that didn’t happen.
One night she gets a call from one of his friends, and guess who it is? It’s J. He got himself out and he was so angry at my mom when she said that she had gotten rid of all of his stuff and threaten to sue her or getting rid of his property, which is a totally insane thing to say to someone after wrecking their car. They decide to meet up and talk about things and I’m hoping that she’ll get rid of him forever, but she doesn’t. They get back together, and stays with us still while I completely despise him.
Now he doesn’t have a job anymore because he wrecked a car and my mom has to pay for all of his stuff, which recently was getting quite taxing. He keeps trying to get odd jobs but he doesn’t make enough to do much of anything.
Now we come to today where my mom calls the insurance company and finds out that they won’t pay the rest she owed on her car that J wrecked. Which means she still owes $6,000 and now has to make 3 car payments. We were barely getting by as it was and now it’ll basically be impossible. She said we’ll have to move from our apartment because we won’t be able to stay here anymore. All of this stuff is just becoming so much to handle, and I just wanted to express everything to people who would be on the outside looking in. Any advice to cope with this situation are welcomed, any opinions are appreciated, and if you actually took the time to read this insanely long post, thank you.


#2

Wow. First off, I just want to say how strong you are for continuing to go on as well as you can with all this going on; it truly is commendable.
Second, I totally understand the whole insurance thing. I was in an accident a week ago tomorrow, and while I wasn’t hurt, dealing with insurance companies is taxing, in more ways than one.
My first bit of advice would be to turn to God and ask for His help. He has been instrumental in keeping me calm and showing me how to deal with my own insurance issues, so He can absolutely help you with yours, if you let Him. If you yourself do not believe, that is fine, but know that asking for prayer from someone who does is something anyone should feel free to do.
Honestly, if I was in your’s and your mother’s situation, I would kick “J” out if he doesn’t get a steady job within the next month. It sounds quick, but if he tries, it really isn’t. I know you said you live in Texas, but I know the fast food places here in the Pacific Northwest are hiring. It probably isn’t a job he wants, but it is a job, and it will help with the bills.
“…if any would not work, neither should he eat” after all. It’s a verse from the Bible, specifically 2 Thessalonians 3:10.
The point is, if he is still living with you (which I gather from your post he is), he should be working for his keep, ESPECIALLY if he is the reason you’re having to pay the insurance in the first place. 10 dollars an hour (or whatever fast food places are paying in Texas) isn’t much, but if he was to work a 6 hour shift, 5 days a week, that’s $300 a week, which should absolutely be put towards the insurance payments. If I were him, I’d get as many shifts as I could.
If he threatens to sue, use it right back on him. After all, he crashed the car. He got arrested. He should be paying the bills, not you or your mother. Legally, it was your mother’s car, but because he wrecked it, he is responsible for the damages.


#3

I just want to say thank you for taking the time to not only read about my situation but also to provide your take on it.
Religion is a very tricky thing for me, I use to go to church a lot with my family when I was younger, but now I haven’t been in years and I’m stuck somewhere between believing and not believing. So I’m not entirely sure where I stand in regards to that.
And yes he is still living with us, but I do agree that he should get a job. He’s put in applications to a few places, which is great and all but I think he could do a lot more and assert himself better. I also agree that he should be responsible for everything he’s done, but knowing him and my mother I doubt she’d actually go through with kicking him out and I doubt that he’ll be doing anything better to contribute anytime soon.
I think it’s really hard for me because I can’t really do anything. This is between her and J mostly, but what they do also effects me too and I think they have a hard time seeing that.


#4

You’re very welcome.
I respect that. It is something the individual has to choose for themselves.
Applications can take weeks to process, and even then there’s no guarantee.
I would suggest getting a job yourself, but I know from experience with people that it would A) put undue stress on you, more than you need, especially right now, and B) if you start working, he is less likely to get a job himself. If you already have a job, maybe try talking to your supervisor about taking extra shifts? I’m not certain how that would work.
I am sorry about the situation. Unfortunately, people rarely realize that what they do affects other people, and in situations like this, it can be extremely negative.
Have you tried talking to your mother about it? I recognize that this is between her and her boyfriend, but you are her daughter. You should come before any boyfriend, and she should be aware, or be made aware, of that. Especially if he isn’t contributing in the manner he should be.


#5

I don’t have a job right now, but I’ve told my mom that I’m willing to get a job to help out, but she says I shouldn’t and should focus on finishing school. Which she does have a point because I do struggle with school, but I’d be willing to do it in order to help.
I’ve told my mom how I feel about the situation and about him, but obviously my opinion on everything has had little to no effect.


#6

I’m sorry, Emmy.
Be careful you don’t overexert yourself, but if it gets to that point, I would say give your mother an ultimatum. At some point, you are all going to have to make some difficult choices: move out of the apartment, he gets a job, she gets a second job, or you get a job. At some point, someone is going to have to make up the difference, and it seems your mother, no disrespect to her, is incapable of making that decision. I don’t know the full situation, but someone is going to have to “be the adult”, and if push-comes-to-shove, that might be you.
I would try talking to your mother again, without J present. If he is in the house at all, there is a chance he could walk in on the conversation. Find a time to get your mother alone, and lay it all out in front of her again. I don’t know how many times you’ve told her, but at some point you or she is going to have to make a decision. What that ends up being is dependent on how the situation devolves/improves.
I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. It feels like I’m not contributing much.


#7

Dude that’s insane. I am so sorry, my heart hurts for you. Its especially hard knowing that you are a kid and that you can’t do a ton about it. I would say to try and talk to your mom about it when he isn’t around. Say that you feel unsafe around him and that you need him out. Hopefully that will work?


#8

Yeah, you’re definitely right about that. Unfortunately, I feel I already am the adult around here so I don’t see that changing. But also fortunately, it’s not too long before I can move out. I turn 18 later this year so, once that point comes hopefully things are better, and if not then it’ll just have to be their problem.
But I’ve already spoken to my mom about it several times, all without him around. I don’t know how the situation will unfold or if things will get better, but I can’t help but feel a little hopeless in the moment.
But don’t be sorry. I just wanted to get out everything and have someone listen to what I had to say. Even though you can’t exactly change the situation, I do feel better having talked about it.


#9

I’ve spoken to her multiple times about it, all times without him around and obviously it hasn’t done much of anything. But I wouldn’t say I feel unsafe around him I just don’t like basically a free loader/bum living with us.


#10

Oh ok. I understand this. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Have you thought of talking to someone from your school? Like a counselor or teacher?


#11

I’m homeschooled. Public school didn’t work out for me, being there caused me so much anxiety. Tried to get into a private school, got denied. So, here I am.


#12

Do you have any adults you trust that you can go to?


#13

No, I wouldn’t really say that I do.


#14

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. Divorce alone is hard to handle, let alone something so intense as J. I lived around alcoholics my entire upbringing and have witnessed the damage that can take place and the extremities. I’ve experienced the difficulties of not being able to get people to go away and suffering the consequences of someone elses actions. But I can’t say something like this has ever happened. How scary and how awful.

I’m so sorry that you and your mom are being dragged through so much crap because of J’s irresponsible decisions. I hope that you will be able to find what you need to get by and resolve all this. So that you and your family can live more comfortably. And I hope that maybe your mom can get a restraining order from J so that he can’t hurt you and your family anymore.

I don’t fully know what to say. But I wanted you to know that I read your story. I hear you. I see you. And I am sending you all of the love that I can. Though I know that won’t make this situation better. Someone cares. <3


#15

You must feel so stuck right now friend. I can’t imagine how much this must hurt. Why don’t you look up the yourlifeyourvoice website and try texting them? There are professionals on there who may be able to help.


#16

Thank you so much, that means a lot! :blush::heart:


#17

Thank you, I’ll look into it :blush:


#18

Yep! Hope it helps! :slight_smile:


#19

I hope so too, it definitely can’t hurt. I sent an email explaining my situation, have to wait and see what happens :slightly_smiling_face: