I literally can't afford to live. (TW: suicide)

It’s been a while since I posted her, but I really don’t know where else to let everything out. This might be a long one.

This year has been probably the worst year of my life and now we’re coming to the end of it, things aren’t looking as if they’re going to get much better.

At the start of the year my dad was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, and although the doctors told us the treatment had cleared it, within less than 3 months, he was told it had come back worse than before. Throughout all of this, the family relationships have broken down to nothing. My mum and sisters are constantly reminding my dad that they wish he was dead - saying that they hope the cancer will kill him. My dad is incredibly abusive, so it’s not like he’s 100% the victim here, the abuse is both ways, and I’m caught in the middle having to pick sides.
I can’t currently distance myself from them because mum is having to cover part of my rent, which leads on to the next thing.

I never thought I would be in a situation where payments are literally being declined and I can’t afford my rent this week. The government were issuing out cost of living payments to those on certain benefits, and I received the first half, but due to receiving my payment on 25th August, instead of 26th August, I won’t be getting the 2nd half which is the one thing that would have got me back into a fairly stable position. I’ve tried appealing it, but no luck - they won’t help me. I’ve already rinsed mum of more money than she has just to be able to cover my bills and food. I’m really stuck with no idea how to get myself that little bit more that I need to get back on my feet… My work lacks in overtime shifts, but even so, the amount I get from the benefit I am on is decided by how much I earn from work every month - doing the math, if I double my hours, I still earn less than I currently am.

Even if I did pick up a 2nd job, all I can do these days is sleep. I’m constantly tired and fatigued, stressed and suicidal and I’ve fallen back into self-harm. Especially this past week after we found one of my housemates dead in flat after overdosing. That whole thing reminded me of my best friend, who we lost in 2020 to an overdose.

I’m so lost and just completely out of hope and faith. I keep praying and praying, and it just seems like things keep getting worse and worse rather than better, and I give up. My suicidal thoughts are becoming more powerful than they ever have, and with my last therapy session happening on Monday, I’m not sure what is going to happen next. Right now, I really feel like there’s a chance I might not see the new year, and that’s fucking terrifying.


Hi Kayla,
thank you for sharing, and being here with us, reaching out to us.
i feel so sorry reading this, that you have to go through this, my toughts are with you. you are so strong.
to pick a side in a family situation is more difficult that we would like. there will always be two sides, in every
situation in life. often one side is trying to get you stick to them or they convince you to do.
let not them, or there opinion decide your decision. think of what is the best for you. YOU matter most.
in times like these, even more then before. i can tell from my experience, when it comes to family issues, give
yourself some space, some time to think of the best outcome for yourself. it is hard, yes, it is difficult, yes.
that comes with life, and life is unfair, life is too often overwhelming, and too often more comes together that we
would like. life is shit sometimes. life is exhausting. life can make us tired of living. life drains out energy.
with the situation with your living situation, is there an option that you could share your living space with someone
close ? or even move to someone ? back to your family ? maybe you can take a look also in our crisis resources,
to find another source of help for you. there are people that would help you i think.
to feel exhausted, depressed and tired these days is completely understandable, i would be like that too.
to feel numb and empty, to feel no motivation, no drive because you don’t see an end to all of this right now.
i also had a rough year, the worst year of my life. i never imagined going through life on medication, living with
therapy and medicine to sleep, to be functionable. no one of us was expecting this of life. no one deserves that
things. please, don’t seek an easy way out of this. not for you, not for your family and friends, not for us, and not
for me. :purple_heart:
what we see often as and end to this, is not an end. to think of an relief of all of that, is not a relief.
it is hell for the people they are around you. it is hell, for the people who love you. you experienced this on your own.
no one of us knows what comes next, what lies ahead of us. what things will happen.
it is like dancing on a wire, with both ends on fire. a narrowed road you stuck in. a cave without light.
but also we witness, what life should be like for all of us. for you.
life can be beautiful, blooming and full of happiness. life is worth living. life is worth being in.
all you have to do is breathe. this is your life. we only have this life. we are in it. you are in it. thank you.
everyone is different, every life is different, full of challenges, for some more, for some less. but in the end, we all,
and you matter. to your loved ones from your family, to your friends, who love you because of you. you matter
to us, you matter to me. we are here, because we want to be here, i am here because i want to be here, for all of
you out there. for you Kayla. words can help, like actions. words can make an impact for people.
you can be an impact. you have one today, to me.
i hope so much that your situations will come to a good ending for you. that you can enjoy life, like you deserve it.
full of all the good things out there. full of joy and happiness, laugh and beauty. you have a strong heart.
you are here, and you reached out. we are all connected to each other, we all have only one life, on one world.
we are all the same. i hope you get the life you see in your dreams. you are loved my friend, you are beautiful.
Lovely greetings, feel hugged. :purple_heart:


From: ManekiNeko

Kayla, I am so sorry. Truely this breaks my heart. Even though your dad wasn’t fully the victim here, I wish your mum could support you and your decisions. No child, no matter how old they are should be forced to pick sides. You’ve seen a lot of devastation in your life and no one should have to deal with that. It’s so shitty that they won’t allow you to receive the extra pay. I understand how it can be to live pay check to pay check. Inflation has been a killer. I wish I could give sound advice on that front, but sadly I’m not sure how it works where you are. I do hope someone here has a better idea of what can be done in that situation. Sometimes here people find it easier to quit all together and get either job searcher allowance or assistance for living. Otherwise they are in similar situations where they amount they earn is dictated on how much support they can receive.
I hate that you’ve had so much loss, it’s something that can haunt for so long. I still think of my friends who have passed, but I try to honour their memory by getting the help they couldn’t. Is there any chance you can continue your therapy or find a subsidised therapy? You deserve a chance to feel free from this burden. I hope that we can support you and encourage you. You are so loved and seen here. You are fully appreciated.


Hi @Kayla

I wanted to check up on you to see how you’re doing and to remind you how much you are loved.

Hope you are ok.