It’s been a while since I posted her, but I really don’t know where else to let everything out. This might be a long one.
This year has been probably the worst year of my life and now we’re coming to the end of it, things aren’t looking as if they’re going to get much better.
At the start of the year my dad was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, and although the doctors told us the treatment had cleared it, within less than 3 months, he was told it had come back worse than before. Throughout all of this, the family relationships have broken down to nothing. My mum and sisters are constantly reminding my dad that they wish he was dead - saying that they hope the cancer will kill him. My dad is incredibly abusive, so it’s not like he’s 100% the victim here, the abuse is both ways, and I’m caught in the middle having to pick sides.
I can’t currently distance myself from them because mum is having to cover part of my rent, which leads on to the next thing.
I never thought I would be in a situation where payments are literally being declined and I can’t afford my rent this week. The government were issuing out cost of living payments to those on certain benefits, and I received the first half, but due to receiving my payment on 25th August, instead of 26th August, I won’t be getting the 2nd half which is the one thing that would have got me back into a fairly stable position. I’ve tried appealing it, but no luck - they won’t help me. I’ve already rinsed mum of more money than she has just to be able to cover my bills and food. I’m really stuck with no idea how to get myself that little bit more that I need to get back on my feet… My work lacks in overtime shifts, but even so, the amount I get from the benefit I am on is decided by how much I earn from work every month - doing the math, if I double my hours, I still earn less than I currently am.
Even if I did pick up a 2nd job, all I can do these days is sleep. I’m constantly tired and fatigued, stressed and suicidal and I’ve fallen back into self-harm. Especially this past week after we found one of my housemates dead in flat after overdosing. That whole thing reminded me of my best friend, who we lost in 2020 to an overdose.
I’m so lost and just completely out of hope and faith. I keep praying and praying, and it just seems like things keep getting worse and worse rather than better, and I give up. My suicidal thoughts are becoming more powerful than they ever have, and with my last therapy session happening on Monday, I’m not sure what is going to happen next. Right now, I really feel like there’s a chance I might not see the new year, and that’s fucking terrifying.