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Belongs to: Therapist want to be Happy. By NF
I lived 23 yrs untreated and when i finally was offered help i was paralyzed by fear that i wouldnt even be myself anymore with the meds and everything. It is true, without my blackhole deep depression i found i couldnt write anymore and that hurt. But even with that part of me gone, i had convinced myself that my sons deserved to know which mom they were getting moment to moment. I also deserved to know who’s voice i was hearing in my head, did i mention my diagnosis? Lol. Ill do that another time if anyone is interested.
The fear that meds will alter who you are or take away who you are is so real. I remember a time of my life I was on antidepressants and felt like my “spark” was gone. That “spark” was bipolar symptoms creating instability and the meds helped me level-out. It can feel complicated to lose both of those parts of who you are-- the spark and the darkness-- but you haven’t lost the core of who you are- a loving and caring mother, artist, and beautiful person. I would love to hear your story and what has brought you here. You and your kids deserve that stability and I’m so proud that you’re taking those steps toward treatment and healing!
I’m so glad you reached out and shared your story! I can totally understand the fear of a new diagnosis and taking meds and having to learn how to move forward feeling differently. Even though you may not be able to write in the same way , you still have your gift, perhaps it’s just a matter of time before you discover your new voice! As a mom of two boys myself, I commend you for bravely seeking help and you should be proud of doing that for your kids! I hope you continue to reach out and be brave and that you will soon find your voice! Perhaps your story is meant to be shared to provide encouragement to others! I’m rooting for you!!
My gosh - what you have shared resonates so very deeply to me. Starting medications and treatment can be the right decision - and you know it when you take it -, but actually taking the action of getting this type of support comes with this huuuuge wave of doubts, question marks and fears. I remember that, when starting antidepressants, it has pushed me into such a rabbit hole of wondering who I am with or without medications, and how to determine who is my “true” self - and therefore are we less ourselves on medications, or is it actually a crutch that helps REVEAL ourselves while we were muted by our struggles before… these are questions that can be awfully scary to ask ourselves. It makes totally sense that this fear has hit you at the time and felt paralyzing. Suddenly the possibility for change becomes real, and as much as healing is something you wanted, it also forced you to consider what you’d be potentially leaving behind. It’s a movement towards a new chapter, but also learning to leave one that you’ve learned to grow familiar with - and ended up somehow to feel comfortable, or at least safe. As you said so well, there’s a process of grief there with realizing that change comes embracing the fact that a part of me will leave your world - for you will explore new pathways and learn to renew yourself.
You did well by seeking support and walking through the fears that were present at the moment. A new version of you will never erase the person you were, nor the memories you have of it - it keeps contributing to the person you are today, and you can be proud of yourself for your own growth!