I lost my motber as a kid she told us she had panc

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I lost my motber as a kid, she told us she had pancreatic cancer & disappeared after dropping me of @ school 1 day–she called 1mo later & claimed she left bc she didn’t want us kids to watch her die, but she never had pancreatic cancer, she made it up to go be w/her hs bf, & that’s when my maternal half-brother became my rock bc he knew how it felt to have our mother disappear, as she did the same thing to me & my sister as she had done to my 2 older half-brothers, she disappeared on them 1 day & got w/my father. So, my brother & I began talking every weekend, he became like my bff when I’d spent my entire childhood only getting to see him like 1x/yr. For months, my brother & I spoke & realized we were exactly alike, minus 1 thing, I got over my mom disappearing but it still tortured him, our mom leaving Chris & Chad, my brothers, to be raised by tbeir alcoholic, abusive father, & I think seeing my mom disappear on me & our sister made his trauma resurface. After months of getting close, hanging out w/my bro @ punk rock concerts, finally feeling like I have brothers that weren’t strangers anymore, Chris tells me over the phone about former attempts of suicide that failed, then he told me he didn’t intend to be around bc he found a way to take his life that’s guaranteed to be successful, &, being a kid, I didn’t know how to respond besides to say, “Oh, you wouldn’t do that to me & our siblings, or Kylie (his gf & my former schoolmate), & it’s not a positive way to get attention, it just hurts ppl when you talk like that,” & exactly 2wk after that phone call, be called his sheriff’s office, told them to come to his address bc there is going to be a dead body that he didn’t want his family to find, then he left the line open while he climbed into the shower w/ his rifle, he put the barrel in his mouth, & he performed the last action he’d do on this earth, he pulled the trigger. Hospital records showed that the sheriff arrived like mins later w/EMTs, my brother, Chris, still had a heart beat but was completely unresponsive, he was essentially brain dead but remained breathing until EMTs showed w/a ventilator–he survived 1.5hr after pulling the trigger, but the hospital couldn’t save him, they were however able to harvest his organs, as he was an organ donor. Losimg my mom would’ve likely killed me, had my brother not become my rock, my bff, then he left me too, & I was then alone, being raised thru puberty & adolescence by my father, a diagnosed schizophrenic man w/severe depression after my mom, his wife of 20yr, faked cancer to go be w/another man. Our losses changed both me & our father. After my brother died, I buried him on my 18th birthday, I began acting out in ways that were unusual for straight edge me whom was a D.A.R.E. role model, an honors student that graduated in the top 11% of my class of nearly 400 students, w/a 3.9gpa, I was accepted into every college that I applied, the military kept hounding me in attempts to recruit me bc I took the ASVAB & scored a 99.5%, I got 1 math problem wrong, & I didn’t care about any of it, I even began messing around on my bf of 4yr, he did everything for me, he was the 1 that got me a driver’s license by taking me for my exam & letting me use his car for the test, he got me health insurance by gathering the paperwork for me & helping me fill it out, he paid for me to go to the Bahamas w/my gf for Spring Break my freshman yr, & that’s when I broke the edge, I tried alcohol my freshman yr @ university, then I began smoking pot, I got w/a hippie dude & wound up leaving my bf of 5yr, I must’ve cheated on him w/10 dudes in that 5yr, if not more, & then I began trying other drugs, like LSD, mdma, mushrooms, nitrous, you name it, & I did so bc, on that last phone call w/my brother, he asked me why I was straight edge & was so judgemental about ppl that drank & tried drugs. My brother convinced me to stop judging ppl for habits & experiences that many have no control over, & then he told me, "Try it, try everything @ least 1x, &, then, if you still feel like drugs & alcohol are evil, that those who use them deserve your ire, then go back on the edge, continue to preach against drugs & alcohol, but don’t judge others from a position of having never tried them & not knowing why ppl enjoy letting lose every now & then. I became best friends w/my freshman dorm mate, she graduated w/me, tho we weren’t really friends in hs, but we realized we were exactly alike & loved the same bands, food, clothes, etc. Her bf was 1 of my 1st childhood friends, I’d known him since I was 8yo, & I got super close to him, David, he became like my 2nd best friend. After we stopped being dorm mates & she moved back in w/her parents, David & I remained friends, we hung out regularly, he became like a substitute brother to me, & then my Dad trsgically died. My dorm mate, Kristi, & David, they were there w/me @ my Dad’s funeral, they got me so stoned otw to tbe cemetary that I finally stopped sobbing & layed by my father’s grave, staring @ a beautiful dbl rainbow over the mtn tops. A hr later, Kristi broke up w/David, I stayed close w/him, but a yr or so later, David went thru a loss, & he couldn’t cope, so he hung himself. David’s mother found my # in his phone & called me, she told me David died, she told me how David would talk about me constantly & would update his family on my well-being bc I’d known his entire family since I was 8yo, she told me that David told her I rescue reptiles, that I have an amazing apt & have settled down, he told them that I was amazing @ rescuing animals & giving them a beautiful home, then she said that David asked her to give me his leopard gecko, Sai Guy. I drove down to David’s house, his mother & aunts were boxing up his possessions, then his mother pointed to the doorway of his bedroom where David had a pull-up bar installed, & his mom goes, “That’s where we found him hanging.” I lost it, I grabbed my new gecko & walked outside to cry, & his mom came out & asked me to please be @ his funeral in a cpl days. It was a packed house, all of our friends from over the yrs were there, & I was the only person that got up to speak @ his funeral, even tho I had nothing prepared, it was like something else forced me to walk up to the podium & speak loving memories of David–he was the 1st boy I ever kissed, as an 8yo, we were all riding to a softball tournament together bc his 1st cousin was on my all-star team w/me, & I sat next to him in the van otw home, & I told the story of how David was repulsed by my kissing his cheek bc he didn’t want girl cooties, then he held my hand the rest of the way home, so I supposed he wasn’t as repulsed as he pretended to be. Lol. Then I lost a few more friends to unintentional suicides, they either took too many sleeping pills or bought herb that was laced w/fetanyl. Loss can be so crippling. I currently don’t even leave my apt, I just don’t care to be close to anyone anymore bc Idk if I could handle losing anymore loved 1s. My only remaining family is my sister & nieces, but I rarely get to see them, & I have a bf I’ve been w/for 7yr, besides them, I don’t speak to anyone anymore. I stay in my apt alone w/my bf, I stopped talking to all other friends & fam, I just don’t think I’d survive another loss, not w/my heart conditions & health issues.


You have had a lot of first hand experience with mental illness and it’s effects on the people around you. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and what you have been through. I read it all, and it seems you are very at terms with all of these things you have experienced, but at the end you express how you are unsure if you could handle any more loss and that it can be so crippling. That you don’t leave your appt. You have your remaining family and your boyfriend, Definitely things to be grateful for, but it seems perhaps you wish you were able to step outside your comfort zone, and risk the pain of loss, but you just can’t seem to do so?

I’m not sure if this will help at all, but the way I have come to terms with the loss of others. Especially due to suicide. Is that I don’t have control over someone else’s loss of the battle with themselves, I only have control of trying to win the battle I am having with my own self. I think that the way I have become strong in risking/enduring knew losses, is by strengthening this idea of self sustained strength and confidence in who I am. I think it is good if you know your limits, and that it is important not to risk your own health in pursuing things that might be unhealthy for you, but part of this personal battle with self could very well be overcoming, and finding new ways, to be okay with loss. So that you are able to risk the expansion of active interpersonal relationships you are interacting in. If more interpersonal relationships are what you want out of life, and there is something in the way preventing that. Then you must try to look at how you can overcome the things preventing you from going after the things that you desire in life. If you are happy with the state of your life, and the people you have in it. Then I think it is fine to continue to live the life you are living, the way you are living it. However, if you want more out of life, and you are preventing yourself from chasing after the things you want more of, due to fear of loss. Then I think that there is a battle with self that needs to be won, in order for you to find the ways that work for you to overcome this fear, and to be okay with loss if it were to happen again. Not sure if any of that helps, but I hope that you are having a good day today, and thank you again for sharing your story. Feel free to share more if you ever want/need. <3

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Man, this is just one heavy blow after another isn’t it?
I can imagine the devastating impact of having believed your mother had cancer and then finding out that it was this horrible lie created to run away.
It screams of this deep betrayal and leaves you feeling like “was I not good enough to be around for?”
It’s such a deep blow to have someone who is meant to love and support you throw such a wounding blow to you.
And then you connect with your brother, you have someone who literally gets it because you both experienced it. You both lived it and have this foundation of understanding. You’re leaning on each other and supporting each other through this hardship and then this sudden next wave of hurt and devastation comes crashing down.

It almost feels like a new level of betrayal. It almost feels like another round of “was I not enough to be around for?”

What your mother and brother went through that led them to the actions they made were never the responsibility of a child. His hurt came deep and it’s so damn hard to watch someone you love feel so deeply hurt and act on that hurt with such finality.

You had nobody to help you fill this hole that a parent is meant to fill. Your father couldn’t fully be that role for you either and so you had to try to fill the hole, but how are you meant to do that in a healthy way when you’ve literally had nobody there to show you and you can’t know how you’re meant to react to this totally new experience?!

It just keeps piling on with more loss and more hurt, more betrayal.

Losing family and friends has been something that I wish we never had to experience, especially when it comes from their own hands, it comes from a deep hurting in their soul.

What I do know is that the love and connection that has passed between you and your brother and you and your friend is something that is real. Pain can be a brutal enemy and I know in my darkest times having family and friends who have been like yourself have meant the world to me. I hope their memories bring you comfort in your hurt.

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