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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to a 45 by Shinedown
I love Shinedown. This episode hit me. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder a decade ago. I’ve been dead for years inside just managing each day. Meds didn’t help. I also found out my T levels are extremely low. Have sleep apnea and feel like a zombie at times. I have been screaming for years Wishing I were dead but I have a family and refuse to go out that way. I am not staring down the barrel of a 45 but having to face the fact that i will be living the rest of my life as a hallow shell of what I used to be.
I read this and there’s definitely some wins here, including figuring out what’s going on, because that can be SUCH a hard step for anyone.
Have you tried talking to your doctor about the T levels (I’m assuming testosterone?) and the sleep apnea. Low quality sleep coupled with low test can have a HUGE impact on your mental health, and I would actually go that route to try and get yourself out of that hallow-ness. Maintaining and improving physical things in your body can definitely help you mentally.
I remember Brent saying that staring down the barrel of a 45 was a way of looking and what the world is throwing at you, and how to overcome it. I know you can overcome it too. It’s just about finding the right direction.
Thank you for sharing and opening up. I’m sorry to hear about how you have been feeling over the years. I know you have been going through a lot and I understand how drained and empty you must feel from it all and for how long it has persisted. I do want to take a moment to recognize and acknowledge your strength and resilience. You have kept pushing and are still pushing through it all, one day at a time. That alone is something to be proud of, because it is not easy and it takes a lot.
I think that though you have tried some methods, such as meds, that have not worked, there is still other resources out there that can be tapped into or tried that could hopefully provide even a bit of relief for how you have been feeling so that you don’t have to continue feeling like a hollow shell. The thing with mental health is that everyone’s experience is different which also means everyone’s journey to mental wellness is different as also. Different resources, methods, and combinations of efforts work for different people. Of course, I’m not sure of everything that you have done or tried throughout the span of time since you were diagnosed, I just want to try and be even a little encouraging that there is still something out there can be of help to how you are feeling. It just might take a little extra time to find it.
Also, like @djstarion mentioned, physical health plays a part in how we feel mentally. And the things you mentioned such as low T levels and lack of sleep can really intensify feelings/symptoms of depression as well. So maybe some physical relief from these things can provide some mental relief as well.
No matter what, I hope you are able to find some relief soon and can slowly begin to reconnect with yourself and who you used to be.
Hang in there, friend. As a fellow buddy with clinical depression, I feel this with you. Just his constant numbness, emptiness and average mood that makes life seem so bland. It’s hard to keep on finding reasons to push through when nothing seems exciting or tasteful anymore.
Sometimes though, we might be hit by a golden nugget of beauty. It may not be a permanent state of joy, also not something fundamentally transformative, but it shows us how much life can be beautiful at times and hide treasures of joy. To me personally, it helps a little bit to intentionally turn down the thoughts that make me reflect on life in general and loses me into deep philosophical questioning. I feel less depressed when I feel alive, and this spark is one I can find - sometimes - by using my five senses and setting an intention to a moment. Could it be the smile of someone I love, the warm sun on my skin during summer evenings, the breeze when I place my hand out of a window while driving, the perfume of my favorite coffee… it’s all small, insignificant things on appearance. But sometimes it can turn out to reveal itself as a beautiful stillness in the midst of chaos, for the time that it lasts.
