there had been an ongoing situation with an ex in the past and it’s still affecting me. i was sexually assaulted by him and he continued harassing me a year later. he would text me and he would make his friends text me as well, he had people come up to me in school and say shit things to me. today i had to talk to a cop in hopes of them calming the situation down. because of that i have been experiences flashbacks and trauma from the things i had to go through. today i texted my now girlfriend and i told her that i was tired and drained from having to relive everything, i told her i felt that it was my fault as to why the situation even began in the first place. after sending her those messages i ended up falling asleep, it was not my intention to but i truly was so drained. she got really worried and she ended up calling the cops to come to my house, i woke up to banging on the door and to a whole bunch of missed calls and text messages. i made her feel scared, i made her feel worried , i can’t help but fear that it was my fault. everything that’s happened has been my fault, i truly have no other words to myself but that im a shit person and i deserve the worst, all ive done is hurt people, i can’t even fully defend myself, i have no friends and i feel so hopeless, it feel so silly writing on here to strangers who don’t give a shit but it’s better than keeping the thoughts in my head.
I can tell you one thing that you probably wont believe me saying “you are not alone in this”.
Believe me when I say that you deserve love and care. You dont deserve to go through this.
In a way, your body is like a vehicle. A vehicle requires fuel in order to function. If the fuel tank runs empty and it stops running, is there really anything wrong with the vehicle?
Humans also require fuel in the form of nutrition, adequate rest and even emotional support. It sounds to me as though your “tank” or reserve of what is essential in order to function, had run empty. Therefore, I don’t believe that you are “horrible” for having drifted off to sleep due to exhaustion.
Yes, she was scared and worried, just as she would be if your vehicle broke down and you were late showing up. You are not horrible if either your vehicle or your body fails to function due to unanticipated circumstances.
I don’t know if this will resonate with you or not, because the circumstances are probably quite different, even though the resulting feelings may be similar. I was molested as a child. I was also raised to believe that whatever bad thing that happened to be, I deserved. As a result, for many years, I reflexively assumed that when bad things happened to me or around me, it was my fault.
Is it possible that you are assuming blame for things beyond your control out of habit, due to previous negative conditioning?
Hey @gh0st_123,
Please know that you are not silly for opening up here. Sometimes, talking to strangers turns out to feel lessi ntimidating than talking to the people we know directly. This is an anonymous and safe place designed especially to have these conversations, so you have done nothing wrong here, on the contrary! It takes a lot of strength and courage to share about things that hurt us while feeling like we shouldn’t reach out in the first place. I’m glad you are here and pushed through these negative thoughts in order to make this post.
The situation you’ve recently experienced with your girlfriend and the cops must have been very stressful, and I imagine how it acted as a kind of emotional trigger to you. It’s not every day that cops knock at the door and just for that there is something intimidating, even if you haven’t done anything wrong. When we experience traumas like the ones you suffered, we are more likely to wish to be invisible to the rest of the world, just because it feels safer that way. Having cops being called on you and being suddenly the focus of others attention can be awfully stressful. If anything, it makes sense really that this experience has been shocking/confusing/emotionally stressful for you.
Of course your girlfriend meant no harm, and it’s amazing that she had this reaction somehow. You know, what it shows in the end is that there is genuine love between you two. You care for each other, for your well-being, for your safety, and that is truly beautiful. On your end, you had the absolute right to rest at the time! You were exhausted and your body needed a good nap. This was a misunderstanding, and thankfully at theend of the day you were okay/nothing bad happened. You know, it’s better to have this kind of intervention happening when nothing is happening, that having no one calling the emergencies in case it seems needed.
I can assure you that you are absolutely not a sh*t person, and not the worst in any way. You haven’t done anything wrong in this case. It’s okay to give yourself some grace here and to be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot of stress my friend and only deserve a good dose of love and care right now. 