For the longest time I’ve had horrible envy, very strong to the point I wish violence on the other person or myself. But it’s definitely gotten worse since I’ve developed disordered eating. I don’t say i have an eating disorder because I don’t, I’m still fat and fail to restrict more often than I’d like to admit. It’s mostly mental where i feel extreme disgust in myself and wish to be as sick as possible and disgustingly thin. I did lose a significant amount of weight in a short period but have since plateaued. I’m in some ED spaces online and this is where I find my obsessive jealousy has gotten worse. Seeing a bunch of people better than me, sicker than me, thinner than me, ruins me. But at the time I can’t stop, I can’t look away or delete my accounts because I’m obsessed with looking. I feel like if I visually consume these people then it’s like a part of me becomes them, it’s the closest to being someone I never can be. To be more specific, there are a number of girls I’ve fallen into deep obsession with. I see their accounts and see they’re perfect in every way and overall better than me. I find myself scrolling through their profiles saving every single one of their pictures and screen recording any videos of themselves they’ve posted. There’s often a lot since in ED spaces it’s common for people to post body checks, pictures and images of their bodies for validation and to show off weight loss. I can spend hours scrolling and saving, glued to my phone. I’ve spend an entire class period in the school bathroom doing just this and much I’d my personal time as well. I have multiple albums of multiple girls in my camera roll with hundreds to thousands of pictures of each girl depending on how much they’ve posted. Sometimes I take screenshots of their text posts as well, if them saying or talking about doing the most simple thing so I can do and say those things too and sort of cosplay as them. Their was even one case while doing this I became incredibly distressed as I stayed up over night scrolling and saving a girls pictures of her whole life. I was So jealous I became suicidal literally in bed shaking with envy as I continued to save every single picture she ever posted. I even ran out of bed and tried to stab myself that same night because of how she made me feel but I didn’t in the end. Another case, one of the girls in one of the ED spaces I was in passed away from bulimia. She was so perfect to the point I didn’t save many of her pictures (my biggest regret) because I actually couldn’t bare to look at them long enough to save (the ones I do save I hardly ever look back at because it hurts but I keep Them because again it makes me feel like a part of me becomes them). I had to mute her account because I never Wanted to see her ever. I remember one day thinking back to her and realizing I hadn’t seen her profile in awhile so I looked it up and no result. I just searched it see if anyone talked about her and came across a post saying she had passed away. I had never felt so much joy and relief in my life. Knowing someone better than me had died and in such as horrible way, I just know she suffered in the end which made me even happier. One less person better than me, good riddance.
Anyway, recently I’ve realized I’ve gotten to projecting my feelings a lot more. The envy doesn’t just make me sad anymore it makes me angry, like how dare they be better than me how dare they flaunt and show it off (even though I would Too) how dare they even exist? I don’t know how common this is but on some social media platforms people have these sites inked to their profiles. Sites where others can send them anonymous messages, usually questions but sometimes just saying things. It’s very common on a certain ED platform and I’m not sure how it became so popular but a lot of people here have it. Ive began abusing these sites however. I’ve found myself often times sending horrible disgusting messages to the people I envy, messages id be horrified by if anyone else had repeated those things. Sometimes just mean comments but sometimes I send death threats or even rape threats. Well less so threats than violent disgusting disturbing scenarios I wish upon them. Hoping they get horribly tortured and killed but with more detail I won’t say here. The rape treats I do feel guilty about and disgusted with myself as it’s a very sensitive topic for me but at the same time I think “they deserve it to be put in their place”. And even though I feel guilty for talking of such a horrible thing and wishing it in others, I still Genuinely hope it all happens and if it did I would rejoice in their suffering. The death and torture related messages I feel no guilt for whatsoever. Since that last girl died I genuinely believe each of these people will too. In fact one of the girls in the ED space I’m in suddenly disappeared. She was incredibly underweight and malnourished, terrible bulimic habits, and recently got covid. She hasn’t posted in over a week when she used to every day. Many people are worried but I hope to god she never comes back. I hope she’s rotting in a morgue waiting to be buried. I hope her family is relieved of their burden because she posted about her parents having to do basic tasks for her even though she was 20 due to her unhealthy condition. I hope no one on our platform hears from her again and people continue to comment on her last post begging for her to be ok until they’re all dead and gone too. There was another girl I was very jealous of who is unfortunately still active and alive. She did claim to be a “high class prostitute” when one anonymous messenger asked her her job. So I sent another anonymous message hoping one of the alleged “rich foreigners” she “works” does some horrible things to her. I won’t go into detail. That may be the only one I don’t regret because if you’re going to brag about being a prostitute and claim your high class while the background of all her body checks displays her crumbling filthy home then I think she deserves to be dumped in a ditch somewhere. Also she was incredibly bitchy and stuck up. That’s another reason I wish harm in them all, their body checks of their thin bodies get tons of likes and they become bitchy stuck up rude horrible nasty people. Grossly huge superiority complexes and they need to be knocked down a notch until they’re six feet under. Overall I dont Really feel bad but I needed To be honest. The more I tyoe Even the less guilty I feel even for what I claimed to be guilty of earlier. They do deserve it they should suffer and god almighty shall strike down. These are all worthless people and each of them will die disgustly and horribly. I don’t care if I burn in hell or any other torturous afterlife because of my feelings and actions as long as they’re there too.
It’s been a few seconds since I finished the rest of this post and suddenly a twinge of guilt and self reflection had set in but it’s nothing new. I go between feeling horrible suicidal tendency inducing guilt and agony over the kind of person I am and equally horrible homicidal tendency inducing hatred and desire to enact the terribke things I wush Upon others. So right now it’s actually not fine with me and I hate myself but later it will be and then later it won’t and will always switch between these 2 and I need To live with that. Thank you for reaidng if you have. Don’t hate me too much if you even care to feel something towards me. I feek sick with myself already