I m glad i found this video this song came out whe

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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Slipknot “Wait And Bleed”
I’ m glad I found this video. This song came out when I was about 16. Now i’ m 39. And I’ m still waiting for someone to save me.
I found someone who tries. My doctor, who i’ ve met six months ago.

She is smart, caring, sweet, funny and (respectfully) gorgeous.
So I fell in love, declared it and she obviously rejected me.

Somehow she still wants to see me every week for as long as she can, often 30-40 minutes.

I have been drunk, and on too many sedatives on multiple occasions, (not ok, but i would never say or do anything inappropriate, except fall over) She once had to call an ambulance because I overdosed and I have cried and begged for help.

She’ s all I got and she can’ t save me but I cherish our time together.
She’ s an angel and I would give my life for her. I wish I never met her because I feel like a real burden to her. She deserves so much better.

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Hi Friend, Thank you for your post.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you are doing your level best to manage that. It is so hard to cope with all the things life throws at you when you are single, put in a partner and you have another whole set of things to work on.
I can certainly understand your want to be saved however the truth is with help, understanding and love you need to save yourself, not only do you not want to be beholden to someone else but not everyone is forever and you do not want to fall apart if those strings are cut, you need to hold yourself up (thats the tough bit) that doesnt mean no one can help it just means you have to be the one to do it.
I am slightly concerned that you will ever find your person whilst you are still with your Dr though, it sounds very slightly inappropriate for her to have kept seeing you knowing how you feel about her and so often. The feelings you have are so deep that there is little hope of meeting and falling for anyone else. Maybe if you were to change to a different doctor you would have a friend in the one you have and the opportunity to get to know new people.
I feel a lot of this might be holding you back and that would be very sad indeed. Whatever you choose to do friend, I truly wish you well and you deserve happiness in your life. Lisa. x

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Thanks for sharing your struggles with us. It sounds as if you are going through a lot. I am so sorry to hear that.
I am wondering if your doctor is like a GP or a doctor specialized in addiction/substance abuse? Does she see you weekly to make sure you are regulating your use of alcohol and/or sedatives or does she give another reason?
I think it would be important to find good help for dealing with the use of alcohol and sedatives. I know that this is not easy. But I am convinced that you are valuable and you matter. You very much deserve to be safe from overdose or addiction. I wish you can find help with that. Hold fast!

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@HeartSupport I share because I need all the support I can get.
I’ m alone in this world.

She’ s a GP. I think she desperately wants to see me quitting drinking.
And smoking.
Also finding hope and purpose.
Live a healthier live…

The sedatives are necessary. I have horrible flashbacks and nightmares.

Thank you for your kind words. They make me feel less lonely.
You’ re a good person.

Sorry for the late response, I just relapsed, downed 4 bottles of works in 4 days. I got injured at home. Have cuts and bruises, my back hurts…
I’ m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

I did not have a drink today and I promise you I will keep trying to not drink again.

Thank you for caring about me.
I care about you too.

Oh by the way, I have autism, adhd, ocd complex ptsd, heliophobia, agoraphobia… and i’ m a Grey asexual, spectrasexual transwoman.

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Hey friend,

There is no doubt that you are doing so much to work on your own healing. What you are doing with changing your drinking habits and seeking support is fundamental and absolutely worth it. If anything, I’m so very proud of you for the way you keep standing up for yourself and for trying.

I hear you and understand in my own way how challenging it can be to try to figure out how to save yourself instead of relying on others for it. Somehow, it’s tempting and reassuring to connect with others in a way that makes us feel seen, especially when they see our most vulnerable sides and acknowledge our pain.

I’ve myself known a share of personal traumas and abuse through my life, and one of the things I’ve often found myself trying to get is someone who could save me from my pain, from my demons, from the injustice I feel within, from myself too. I’ve seen myself, especially when I was younger, getting attached to people in ways that were profound and out of my control, while also knowing it was somewhat unhealthy. This has pushed me further and further into feeling shame for relying on others at times as I didn’t want to be this “clingy” person (I had a bad example of it in my mother growing up). Over time, it has made me a lot more protective of myself and unwilling to connect/rely on others anymore, which isn’t necessarily better. Attachment with others is such a subtle flow to find and embrace, especially when it’s been so affected when you were young.

With feeling the need of someone to save you, it’s like a side of you knows it’s not the solution while at the same time you don’t feel equipped to deal with things yoursellf, because the hurt you’ve been through left you empty and alone in the most profound parts of yourself. Helping and saving yourself is yey another pathway to explore and figure out while you feel an immediate need for comfort that is hard to compose with.

It’s so difficult when there is this part of you that feels the injustice of the things you’ve been through and of the pain you’re carrying - one that recognizes your own vulnerability and heartbreak every single day. One that needs to scream it and for others to see it. While at the same time, facing this difficult reality that if support can come from others, actual healing can only come from within ourselves. It’s hard because there is this wounded, betrayed part inside of you that craves for recognition, reassurance and safety, and you wouldn’t think of yourself as your primary caretaker while you are facing so much pain. If someone saves you, they are somehow deciding for you, taking action for you - they own your pain and you don’t have to deal with it, at least it feels like you can take detours.

I think it takes a lot of courage, strength, vulnerability and humility to recognize these patterns at play and to name them as you did here. It can come with its share of discomfort and is too often misunderstood, or even shamed. Rest assured that how you feel is valid and absolutely understandable, especially in light of the diagnosis you’ve been given and dealing with. Complex PTSD and all the conditions often associated to it force us into such a deep and intense healing journey. I see you and hear how heavy it is for you, but also how much you are trying to find your way through it. You are not a bad person. You are not someone that people shouldn’t know. You are, my friend, worthy of love, care and support. always. :heart:

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@HeartSupport
Hi there Micro.

I currently do not have the mental capacities to remember all of what you said and remember it.
I have brain damage due mostly to 28 years of extreme sports and 10 years of motorcycle riding.
I’ ve had more concussions than the average boxer or NFL player.
:smile:

I’ ll try my best.
Thank you for everything you’ ve said.
It baffles me that ‘random’ strangers online that choose to show me kindness
show me more love and give me more affection than I have ever received from family, partners and friends in real live.

I try really hard and I am not capable of giving up.
I am a fighter. A warrior. Literally. I’ m a military veteran. Armored infantry. 2003-2004.
But also a little child.
A very hurt, traumatized and lonely adult.
A cat, I display cat like behavior.
And I have a ‘dark passenger.’

I don’ t know if i’ m a good person.
But I do know I seek love and affection and want a better, just and kind world.

Your words really hit me like a ton of bricks.
(I once literally hit that after highsiding off of my first bike.) :smile:

Thank you for the love and kindness.
You have never met me.
Maybe my profile pic shows you something, or sends a message.
That’ s a wig by the way.

I do feel shamed. And misunderstood.
And I am mocked and ridicilized on a daily basis.
But not by everyone.

Some people IRL show me love and kindness as well as people like you, online.
That keeps me going.
I just want connections. A shared smile.
Some politeness and sweetness.

Hopefully some day I will find some form of happiness. Ideally with someone else.
And i equally hope that you can get a better, happier and healthier life.
You sound really wounded.

I have no idea what happened to you but it feels dark. I think I want to know.
So I can maybe help you as you are helping me.
You sound amazing and the fact you CHOSE to reach out tells me a lot.
Again, I do not know you and will never meet you. Sadly?

But I understand your message, I will remember it and I shall let it sink In and anchor in my ‘soul’.

Thank you so much.
People like you make me live another day.

To be honest. The local police had to talk me off a bridge two weeks ago. Two months ago the federal road police picked me up because I was hitchhiking to Ukraine along the highway.
But they know me and I have my disabilities registered at the emergency response dispatch. So they treat me like a child every time and are really sweet.
Last time a single female officer showed up and talked to me really kindly. The bridge incident.

Then she took me to the ambulance which took me to the emergency room in the next town as to my request.
I can’t complain.
So many good people treat me right and help me.

Again thank you for your kindness.
I feel like I owe you.
If there is anything I can do for you, i’ m here.

Love, Erika

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@HeartSupport That all makes a lot of sense. You clearly thought this true.

You’ re right.
I know this, and I have known this for a long time.

I just feel I am losing the war against myself. And my health problems get worse. So is the isolation and loneliness.

Every day I go outside is a nightmare, people make fun of me, point and laugh.
I panic when people get close or touch me.
The constant transphobia and genderdysforia hurt so bad.
Most nights I cry myself to sleep.
I also almost never leave the house.

I do not want to switch doctors, she is the best I ever had, she understands me, truly cares and I feel good when i’ m with her.
I will try to keep the relationship more professional. For both our sakes.
I still feel a lot for her (thankfully i’ m Grey asexual), I just desire to cuddle her.
But my feelings were crushed last time I saw her.
She brought up the fact she has a boyfriend. I assumed she was a lesbian, or bi, spectra, omni or pan.

To end on a positive note:

I’ m a warrior, I never give up.
I will keep fighting and there is some hope.
I am planning to set up a crowdfunding action to begin my medical transition, social is complete, I started that when I came out almost a year ago. Since 29th of February the legal part is finished as well…
I’ m officially Erika Nikki, a woman.

So I hope this crowdfunding provides with the means to further transition, which would make me happier than I have ever been.
And I also need it to get out of poverty.
That took everything from me, limits me every day and it prevents me from adapting my life and my home to my many disabilities.

Thank you for your wisdom, advice and kindness.

You have a place in my heart now. X

Oh by the way, I have autism, adhd, ocd complex ptsd, heliophobia, agoraphobia… and i’ m a Grey asexual, spectrasexual transwoman.

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