I’m having a hard time

TW abuse
I posted a couple weeks ago about being abused by a family member and how I was blamed for it. I repeatedly struggle with memories of the different abusive situations that happened. My brother was the family member. He’d do things that ranged from emotional/psychological abuse to physical. There were times were he’d talk down to me and then be nice to other people around us, as a way to spite me I guess. He’d call me names and make fun of me. There are other things but I don’t want to explain them right now. I’m hurt by the abuse but also the fact that I wasn’t protected like I should have been.
I grew up with my mom being a single mom for the most part(except the years she was with my dad and a bf she was with for a couple years) and there are times where I get angry that she didn’t do more to protect me but then I feel guilty for being angry and I remember that she was a single mom and maybe didn’t have the means to but then that begs the question how could things have been made to be different? My mom passed away a couple years ago from cancer. I don’t blame my mom because she wasn’t the one abusing me but it’s so painful to remember the bad incidents of abuse and know that I didn’t know of any other way to go about it. My brother would use anything against me in the future so if I would lash out at him while being abused, he’d hold that against me which is all the more reason why something should’ve been done to not allow him to do that anymore.
It’s extremely difficult when I have these memories and thoughts running through my head. I get to a place of feeling like my life has been ruined and I feel suicidal.
Also please don’t tell me to speak to a therapist as if it’s goin into make everything magically better. I’ve seen a couple therapists and they haven’t been helpful and I doubt I’ll find one that is with the type of insurance and amount of money I make.

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In early childhood, I was molested and abused by both my brother and my first grade teacher. Both my parents were messed up, and I lived in an almost constant state of terror. Therapy wasn’t an option. Lashing out wasn’t an option. I had a hard time too. My parents didn’t protect me, in fact, they were part of my problems. I ended up with PTSD (not a known diagnosis at the time), and the symptoms were mistaken for autism. My parents were told I’d maxed out my learning potential, and keeping me in school was pointless.

A lot of stuff happened, and it was discovered I really did have a decent brain, but I didn’t make the most of it for many years. Eventually, things worked out and I finished college with honors.

I didn’t receive therapy till I was an adult, and it did help. It gave me a place to start toward recovery from the damage caused by my childhood.

Therapy doesn’t make things “magically better.” I’m pretty sure anyone who believes it has helped them in that way, is probably delusional. A decent therapist asks the right questions and is a very good listener. A therapist can’t “fix” you, but can help with self-understanding, and working through a morass of troubling thoughts and emotions.

Maybe you don’t need or can’t have a therapist, although most communities have some kind of free or affordable mental health services. Maybe you just need someone who can listen in a supportive, non-judgmental way.

I spent years feeling alone, scared and hopeless. It’s easy to abandon yourself when feeling abandoned by others. You haven’t received the love, protection and nurturing that every child needs. It isn’t too late for healing. Not everyone will abandon you. Feel loved because you are.

Keep talking to us here, or you can DM me, or arrange for a chat on Discord. Take care, Wings

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Hi Bobohobo,
i am sorry to hear what you have gone through in your life.
Maybe a self help group would be a possibility. Share experience and talk about it helps a lot.
i cant relate to this, but that or a therapist would be the way in my eyes.
for myself it took 3 times, before i found the right one. i have other issues for sure, but the second one
costs me a lot of sleep after my appointment. so to find one where you have a good chemestry with is
difficult. but it is worth the search for it.
We are here for you, we care, thank you for reaching out.
Feel hugged and have a nice day,
Greetings

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From: susieqzz

Everything you have gone through is absolutely awful. I’m so sorry you were not protected and had to deal with these abusive situations by yourself.

I know you said you don’t want to see a therapist but I agree with the above, it’s not a magical fix, it takes lots of work and time to open up and learn coping skills. It even may take a few tries to find the right therapist, that’s just how it happens sometimes.

Aside from one-on-one therapy, are there any outpatient or group therapies you can look into? I feel like it would be really difficult for you to go through sorting out this trauma by yourself. I think some extra support is needed.

We are here for you if you ever need to talk anything else through <3

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hello Friend, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure such abuse and neglect. Trauma like you’ve been thru is pretty hard to work thru on your own. If you don’t want to continue looking for a therapist that you’re compatible with you could join a support group for abuse or do your own research online about abuse and trauma and learn coping skills that way. I learned a lot about my BPD thru watching videos and reading articles online. There are also programs for people that can’t afford mental health care depending on where you live. Learning coping skills is something that is important in order to deal with the thoughts and memories, so I hope that you can find a good source to help you. ~Mystrose

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for this post, I am just so dreadfully sorry that all this happened to you, its heartbreaking that anything like this is ever allowed to happen. I understand that you don’t want to hear this but honestly therapy really is the best option for you (hear me out please) I dont know the financial aspects as Im in the UK but I am led to believe there are options for help and or free therapy in the USA if that is where you are, you just have to look, I know you are unsure because of past experience and I get that, I went to a few therapists before I found one I felt really comfortable with, it can make you feel like you dont want to bother and its all a waste of time but please believe me, when you do find the right one you will realise that it isnt and all will fall in to place and hopefully your life will improve so much. I hope this advice even though it is not what you wanted to hear is of help to you. You are loved. Lisalovesfeathers. x

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It is really difficult to deal with it by myself. I’ll look into my options.

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