i’ve recently graduated from an alternative high school. it’s a small school, it can only hold a maximum of 50 kids. last year i was very alone, i had very few friends as most had just graduated from the year before. it was hard and there were times i wanted to give up but i got through it. i recently started an assessment program to see if i’m eligible for cosmetology school. however, it’s not an alternative school. it’s a normal one. i’m the only one there with stretched ears, dyed hair, and piercings other than standard lobes. i’m the only one with as many scars as i have and people stare. no one talks to me. it’s made me feel really isolated. like i’m an outcast. but that’s not all. my mental health has been on a pretty rapid decline for a while now. i just got out of a relationship and idk how to feel because he said he loved me but the next time i saw him in person he would’nt say a word to me. we ended on good terms and not being able to even get a hello back was pretty hurtful. we didn’t date but we were together for months even if it was unofficial. i feel like i wasn’t good enough for him. i feel like i’m not good enough for anyone, really. i feel like there’s no helping my mental health. therapy doesn’t work for me and neither does medication. my main coping skill at this point is sleep and i do it far more than i should. i sleep to escape any and all feelings bc (as underoath said) it’s easier to dream than to face it awake. i’m in so much pain when i’m awake. i never see my friends anymore bc i live so far from them. pretty soon i’m moving much closer, and by pretty soon i mean we’ll be in my new home by the end of the month. i have a lot of other things to look forward to, as well. i’m going to warped tour, i’m dying my hair in a few days, i’m getting a new piercing thursday, i’m starting a scar coverup sleeve in the beginning of august. these are all things that would normally keep me motivated and want to keep going. but i don’t. it’s just gonna keep getting worse, i know it. idk what to do anymore.
First off I will say I am so proud of you for coming here to talk to us- I know it’s not always easy.
I know that feeling of feeling like everyone is just staring at you- even though it is not for the same reasons. I have had bad anxiety all my life and I just lived with it for so long- I wouldn’t eat lunch at school because I was too anxious and paranoid people were watching me and judging me- which sounds silly, I know, because honestly no one really cared about me in high school and they cared less about how/what I was eating for lunch; I couldn’t eat at class parties because of my anxiety which made me feel even more outcast than if I would have gotten the courage to just get up and socialize and act like everyone else- but overall anxiety just sucks. A lot.
Although we haven’t dealt with the same issues, I see a lot of similarities between us.
I know that it’s hard being diverse in this society with it’s views and depictions of “normal”- but normal isn’t even real- that probably sounds silly, but friend you do you. I know that is WAY easier said than done- but I believe in you and we believe in you. I know that it may not seem like it- but maybe somewhere along the way people will begin to see how awesome you are and grow closer to you. It’s tough- I know, but we all believe in you and we are all here for you no matter what, we love you.
As for the plans you have man that sounds rad! Dye your hair! Get those tats! You do you! You are unique and wonderful in your own ways- don’t let anyone ever change you or take that away from you. You are loved as you are.
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)
@halfdeadsiren thank you for sharing this. I imagine it was extremely difficult but I actually found it pretty interesting to read. Just because you don’t look like you think you need too to fit in somewhere doesn’t mean you won’t. It’s a school bigger than 50 students - people will be more accepting even if it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t want to talk too much about the negative because it sounds like you are already taking steps to overcome them - but medication is something that can take years to get right. I remember speaking to someone in the doctors surgery who was 6 years in and still not on the right medication. It’s trial and error - it’s commitment. As for therapy, there are loads of different types out there - it might just be the ones you’ve tried haven’t been right for you - don’t give up on it.
These things you’re doing in your life - moving houses, scar coverup - they’re all major steps and I’d say focus on them one at a time. Which comes first? Hair dye? Tattoos? Look for them one by One as they come… If you feel like you have something to look forward even after one of them has happened, your motivation may increase because… endorphins. You are taking amazing steps and posting on here was incredibly brave. We are here for you. You can always come here if you ever need a place to talk.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I promise you that you aren’t an outcast. If I saw someone with your style, you’d be the first person I’d want to talk to because I think the edgy style is hella rad. It might also be because you’re new - why people don’t seem to pay as much attention to you. It’s difficult coming into an environment where groups/cliques are already formed.
Quite the opposite, actually - he wasn’t good enough for you. You know him better than I do, but he sounds really immature if he told you that he loved you and then immediately stopped talking to you. Real love consists of joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. It doesn’t sound like he demonstrated any of that toward the end of your time together, and you deserve all of the above.
I’m glad to hear that you’re in counseling and taking medication, but if neither are working for you, I would argue that you need to find a counselor that better suits you (i.e. connects with you better) and perhaps a different cocktail of medication. It took me a while to find my perfect match, so it might take some time for you too. Keep fighting. We believe in you!