I’m not sure where to start. I’ve been struggling with my depression for a vet long time. I stopped living my life msny years ago and just feel like I’m surviving day to day. I’m trying to take care of my mom who is battling cancer. She has chosen to proceed with hospice care at home and I’m her primary caregiver. I want to be at my best so I can give her the best of me but it’s so difficult.
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Hello, friend.
First I just want to tell you that my heart goes out to your for taking care of your mom. I know the pain and heartache and tiredness that goes into caring for a loved one. It’s so difficult but you love them so much but it just hurts. You are going through so much and it’s okay to say that you aren’t okay. You are dealing with a lot and sometimes all you can give feels like not enough. But if all you have to give is so small that still means you are giving everything and I think that shows how much you love and care. I want you to know I’m sending love and light your way. We are always here to listen. Hold fast.
Cassie
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Hey @Starspirit
Welcome to HeartSupport! We are so glad you are here!
I am so sorry to hear about your mom and all the pain that you are going through. I think it is only natural for depression to come up when you have that big weight on your shoulders of your mom going into hospice. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I hope you are finding time throughout this to take care of yourself. It is so important. And what does your support system look like? Do you have friends or family that you can hang out with and talk to?
I also just wanted to say that sometimes, the only thing you can do is take it day by day and there is no shame.
Keep reaching out and I believe you can get through this.
Hold fast. We believe in you.
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Thank you! I just wish I had more to give. I get so frustrated sometimes. The hospice service has been helpful. I stopped living my life a long time ago because of my depression. But now things have become much harder. My mom is my touchstone. I don’t know what I will do without her. I know I’m not the first person to be in a position like this but I don’t know how to live other than taking it day to day.
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Hey @Starspirit,
Thank you so much for being here. My heart goes out to you and I’m sorry for your mom. Cancer is an intense battle and I hope the hospice care gives her some relief. But also, your exhaustion is so understandable, friend. Taking care of a loved one at home can be incredibly draining but also very lonely. What you are doing is so important, but it often remains unseen. It’s really good that you took some time to write all of this. Your voice and your heart are important.
Friend, your mom is very lucky to have you by her side and I have no doubt that you’ve been doing a lot for her. It’s normal to feel like you should do more. There’s a lot of things you can’t control in this situation. But I have no doubt that there is a lot of love and care for your mom, and it’s the best that can be given to her right now. 
There was a time in my family when my grandmother had hospice care at home, and my mom was her primary caregiver. I helped quite often and witnessed and experienced the exhaustion that comes with it. Having a daily schedule, making sure that everything is okay, checking on your loved one everyday, helping them for some daily tasks, trying to keep your head up and be a pillar of strength and joy to someone you love while your heart is breaking, worrying when you’re not with them, being afraid of the next day. In such circumstances, how you feel really makes sense.
Do you receive any help through all of this? Having someone to talk to - even to vent to - can be very precious. The emotions that comes with being a caregiver can be overwhelming, and I know that we’re not always well informed about services that could help us when we face this situation. If not a loved one, a professional could be of a great help (a psychologist, even the doctor who is or was in charge of your mom could be a first step). Finding a group of caregivers can also be very helpful. It helps to feel less alone, to have a safe place where you can let your thoughts out and share what’s on your heart on a regular basis. Sometimes hospitals have informations about those groups in our living area.
In any case, you always have this place right here. You’re not alone, friend. We see you. We hear you. We care about you. If you can, during the day, set a small time for yourself, and just for yourself. In the morning, during the afternoon, at the end of the day. Embrace a bit of silence, of stillness, a short moment to breathe. Cultivating little breaks can be very precious for your mind and your heart. You deserve it now more than ever.
I’m sending lots of love your way.
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I’m sorry you are going through a rough patch. Just wanted to let you know that you are loved by God and this community. Stay strong!
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